Marshall: Wow. You're here and not in stall two.
Ted: Yeah, so?
Marshall: I may have made some wildly inappropriate homoerotic comments to a gentleman wearing your shoes.

Barney: Ted, I challenge you to a picking-up-girls Olympiad.
Ted: Fine.
Barney: There will be 26 events spread out over 11 weeks. We will travel to a neutral city where a panel of international judges...
Ted: Or we could just choose a girl and the first one to seal the deal wins.
Barney: That's good, too.

Barney: Before we start, why don't we jot down a few basic ground rules? [hands Ted a pen]
Ted: OK, great. Rule number one, no eye patches or props of any kind.
[Barney gets up while Ted is writing and approaches a woman at the bar]

Marshall: One time I was with this girl and I tried that model line, and I totally got some over-the-shirt boob action at a Just Say No assembly.
Ted: Just stop. You're bumming everybody out.

[A woman slaps Barney at the bar]
Ted: Rule number two, this bet is for one million dollars.
[Barney returns to the booth]
Barney: I win.
Ted: How?
Barney: Oh, I slept with her, about a year ago, I just forgot.

George: So you're a big kids person, huh?
Robin: Only the biggest ever. I think kids are so great. Especially the little ones. You know, uh, pudgy, can't sit up, don't have teeth yet.
George: You mean babies.
Robin: Yeah, I like that kind.
George: Well, Doug's almost six
Robin: Oh, six is great. You are gonna love six. Six is when they really start to... [Robin nods] I hate kids.
George: Excuse me, what?
Robin: I mean, I don't hate kids. I'm just not a kid person. I mean, yeah, it's cute that their shoes are real little, but beyond that, what's the draw? You must think I'm nuts.
George: What? No no no. So you don't like kids, so what? I'm not looking for a mother for Doug. Why don't we just hold off on you meeting him?
Robin: Yeah, let's take things slow.

Ted: [on the phone] Well, have fun in yoga. [to Barney] She's strengthening her core. That's gonna be good.

Ted: You see this. Game face.
Barney: Whatever, Ted.
Ted: Oh, get this, she plays bass in a reggae band. They're having a show this Friday. How cool is that?
Barney: Oh, does she know that one song? Mm-hm chaka, mm-hm chaka. What's that song called? Oh, right, it's called every reggae song.

Robin: Guess who loves Robin? Kids, kids love Robin. Doug thinks I'm pretty cool.
Lily: Really, that's great. You and George, all thanks to me.
Robin: Yeah, I'm gonna have to break up with him.
Lily: What?
Robin: Well, ot's just getting a little bit too serious with the kid. You know, it's just not what I'm looking for. So, better that I break it off now before he gets too attached. [off Lily's look] What?
Lily: I hate to tell you this but, too late. [shows Robin a picture Doug drew titled 'My New Mommy'] He drew it in class today.
Robin: Oh, crap.

Robin: There's no way that's a picture of me. That woman has on hoop earrings, I don't even own hoop earrings. I have one pair and they're gold. Those are Fruit Loops.
Lily: You are so in denial right now. And you're doing what you always do in relationships. The second you get close to a guy, you wanna bail. Okay, granted, he's six, but the point stands.