Ted: Okay. Now I feel bad about making fun of him for the tool thing. My dad was the one who taught me all that stuff.
Robin: Well, to be fair, everyone has some glaring gap in knowledge. Something really obvious you somehow never learned.
Ted: Okay. But a screwdriver? Come on. I don't have any gaps that fundamental.
Robin: Really? I seem to recall...
[flashback to Ted's classroom:]
Ted: Daniel Burnham was an architect whose ever-shifting style and aesthetic... made him a true architectural "chama-lee-on." And only the most gifted "chama-lee-on"... could've designed classic beaux-arts masterpieces... right alongside sleek, modern flatirons. His name might as well have been Daniel Chama-lee-on.
Betty: Um, Professor? Uh, do you mean "chameleon"?
Ted: Betty, I'm pretty sure it's pronounced "chama-lee-on," so... [all the students shake their heads] Class dismissed. No homework for a while.
[present:]
Ted: Okay. I learned that word by reading it. That's how I've always pronounced it.
Robin: Ted, that wasn't easy. It took a lot of "char-acter" to admit that.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I bought the house we live in now way back before I ever met your mother. It needed a lot of work, but I had a vision for it.
Ted: Vintage rolltop desk here. I haven't decided whether to put the fern on the right or the left side. But, you know, sometimes you just gotta wing it, right? Left side. Oh, and right outside... I want to put up a basketball hoop for the kids. Huh?
Barney: Ted, this is your seduction lounge. Sex swing there. Vibrating Jell-O pit right there. Rotating Vietnamese shame wheel right here. Don't ask. You're not ready. And that basketball hoop? Outdoor stripper pole. We'll just tell the ladies to be careful in the winter. You think a tongue stuck to a frozen pole is bad.

Ted: Okay, Scherbatsky. You want to tussle?
Robin: I'll tussle.
Ted: You want to tussle?
Robin: Let's tussle.
Ted: Marine biologist.
Robin: Please, no.
[flashback to Robin with a guy at MacLaren's:]
Scott: So this really sucks, but I'm gonna be... in the north pole for the next three months.
Robin: Seriously? The north pole? Okay, pal. If you want to break up with me, just tell it to me straight. Don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist.
Scott: Um, I'm gonna be studying the mating habits of...
Robin: Of who? Santa's elves? Rudolph? You know what? I'm going on a trip too, Scott. It, uh, starts in Narnia. It works its way up to Candy Land. And then, hey! Congratulate me. Because I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts! Expelliarmus!
Scott: Robin, the north pole is a real place. You know that, right?
Robin: So, you wanna get pizza later or...
Scott: I think we should break up.
[present:]
Robin: I still think about him in the shower.

Cheryl: J.J.'s a heck of a basketball player.
Barney: Uh, you don't strike me as the athletic type, "Jayj." Dad, check it. [tries to bend a spoon] Triceps. What gym do you go to?
J.J.: Fourth period.
Barney: Sounds like you're having your fourth period. Am I right, Dad?
Jerry: Got him again.
Cheryl: Jerry!

Marshall: How'd it go, buddy?
Barney: Where do I begin?
[flashback to Barney meeting with Jerry at MacLaren's:]
Jerry: So, I'm not sure how to start this.
Barney: Yeah. I think I need a drink.
Jerry: Me too.
Both: Glen McKenna, neat.
Jerry: Nice order. Up top.
Barney: Look. It's been 30 years. And now you just show up out of nowhere? This is... This is gonna take me a minute.
Jerry: Yeah. I understand. By the way, hell of a tie. Is that Italian silk?
Barney: I love you, Daddy. I'm so glad we're best friends now!

Barney: So, all these years, there's this one question I've been dying to ask him.
Lily: "Why did you abandon me?"
Marshall: "Why'd you wait so long to contact me?"
Robin: "You've hurt me before. Why should I trust you now?"
[flashback to Barney meeting with Jerry at MacLaren's:]
Barney: Do you... get laid a lot?
Jerry: Big time. [sees a woman passing by] Observe.
[Jerry walks over to the woman, who writes down her phone number. Jerry returns to Barney.]
Barney: Oh, my God. That took you five seconds.
Jerry: Oh, was it that long? Life's too short for chatty chicks. [rips the piece of paper]
Barney: You're a master. You are legen... Wait for it.
[present:]
Barney: ...daddy! "Legendaddy"! The man is a god!

Lily: Barney, we... We know you're psyched, but just be careful.
Barney: What do you mean?
Ted: Well, this guy has flaked out on your whole life. It sounds like he might just be telling you what you want to hear.
Robin: Barney, we just don't want to see you get hurt.
Barney: First of all, Robin, my dad could beat up your dad. Second, you don't have to worry. He's cool. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go renew my passport and get a travel-size rotating Vietnamese shame wheel. Don't ask. You're not ready.

Lily: What do you mean Barney won't return your calls? He said you two had an amazing night together.
Jerry: Uh, that's not what happened.
[flashback to Barney and Jerry meeting at MacLaren's:]
Jerry: I'm not sure how to start this.
Barney: Yeah. I think I need a drink.
Jerry: Me too.
Barney: Glen McKenna, neat.
Jerry: Milk, skim.
Barney: Milk? Oh, you're takin' it easy. Crazy night?
Jerry: I'll say. Between you and me, I had a lot of acid last night.
Barney: Wow.
Jerry: I think it was the chili dog.
Barney: I had to take four Tums. I was up till, like, 9:30.

Jerry: Barney wasn't interested in my apology. He just wanted me to be cool. And I was so desperate to connect with him. I did something I'm not proud of. I started bragging.
[flashback to Barney and Jerry meeting at MacLaren's:]
Jerry: I bet you didn't know this about me, Barney, but... I've published two nonfiction books about asparagus. And one fiction. [cut] I'm credited with inventing the word "furgling." It means fumbling for keys. [cut] Then all the county fair judges started chanting... "More quiche! More quiche!" [cut] I guess you could call me the LeBron James of drapes.

Lily: We think you should give him another chance. That's the real reason we're out here. He lives 10 minutes away.
Barney: What?
Marshall: You're havin' dinner with him tonight.
Barney: No, I most certainly am not. Look, I met him. He's not my kind of bro, and that's that.
Robin: Are you sure it's not more than that?
Barney: Guys, get it through your heads. I am never gonna talk to my dad again.
Marshall: No, Barney. I'm never gonna talk to my dad again. But your dad is alive... and he lives just down the road.