Marshall: I first noticed it at the bar.
[flashback to the gang at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: Hey, Lily, can you grab me a... [voice breaks] Mojito?
Marshall: [v.o.] Normally, you would've given me crap for an hour about a voice crack that pubescently girl-like. But nothing. So then I started to test you guys.
[later, in Ted's kitchen:]
Marshall: The Phantom Menace is by far the best Star Wars movie.
Barney: [gasps] It ages well. That's the thing.
[later, in the apartment:]
Marshall: You guys like my new soul patch?
Robin: Righteous hair tab, brother!

Jerry: So, Barney, I understand you have a pretty big job with a bank.
Barney: Yeah, I do. I make a ton of money. How much do you make, J.J.?
J.J.: I'm 11.
Barney: Oh, well. Now we all know you make excuses. I was talkin' about money.
Cheryl: Actually J.J. has a job. Tell him, J.J.
J.J.: I got a paper route.
Barney: [scoffs] Good time to get into print media. Am I right, Dad?
Jerry: Good slam, Barney.
Cheryl: Jerry.
Jerry: No, it-it's all good fun. Just ribbing among long-lost brothers.

Ted: You always add too much water to oatmeal.
Marshall: Yes, I drown the son of a bitch!
Robin: You consistently miss at least one belt loop.
Marshall: It's like I'm blind.
Lily: Uh, you're too old to ask to see the cockpit.
Marshall: Whoa. Whoa, guys. My dad just died.
Lily: Oh, honey.
Marshall: No, I'm just kidding. This is great. I really... I really miss this.

Jerry: Barney, what is going on?
Barney: This is mine.
Jerry: I don't understand.
Barney: J.J. gets a childhood, a dad, a real family and a basketball hoop? No. No. I at least get the hoop. I'm taking it with me.
Jerry: Please, please. Just come down and talk to me.
Barney: Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame suburban dad.
Jerry: Why does that make you so mad?
Barney: Because if you were gonna be some lame suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for me?

Jerry: Look. Barney, I know I screwed up.
Barney: Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe... what I've been through.
Jerry: I know! I know! I know! I wanna fix this, and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything!
[Jerry goes back into the house and Barney keeps trying to pull the basketball hoop down. Jerry returns with a tool box and towel.]
Jerry: You're never gonna get it down like that. [hands Barney a screwdriver] Barney. Barney! Just put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it. Now turn it. Righty tighty, lefty loosey. I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. It took courage to send me that letter. More courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies. And l... I just... have no idea where to begin.
Barney: Can you help me with this? [Barney removes the basketball hoop from the garage and hands it down to Jerry]
Jerry: Oh, got it. Look. If you... ever feel like you're ready... I'd love nothing more than to be a part of your life.
Barney: Bye.

Marshall: [v.o.] And once I figured it out... I started doing crazy stuff to see how far you'd let me go.
[flashback to Marshall arriving at MacLaren's with a possum:]
Marshall: Hey, guys. This is Rex. He's a possum. I found him in the trash. He lives with us now.
Lily: I love him.
[present:]
Marshall: Lily, we are living with a possum. Rex is violent. And he hates us.
Lily: Baby, you just lost your dad. None of us wants to upset you.
Marshall: Please, if you guys really want me to get over the worst tragedy in my life... I'm begging you, tear me a new one. But not like Rex tried to in my sleep last night.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And so Barney agreed to give his dad one more chance.
Cheryl: Hello. You must be Barney. I'm Cheryl. It's just so, so nice to finally meet you. I love that suit.
Barney: Oh, thank you very much. And I love your... [looks her up and down] coat. I love your coat.
Jerry: Oh, that's your coat, Barney. I just took it from you.
Barney: Well, I do love it. It's doing a nice job covering up that chair.

Marshall: Hey. Barney. Let's go outside for a second.
Lily: We have a confession. This wasn't really about seeing Ted's house. It's an intervention.
Barney: Oh, thank God. I'll go first. Ted, this house you bought for your hypothetical family is super weird. We talk about it all the time behind your back.
Ted: Yeah, this intervention isn't for me. It's for you.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Why did Barney need an intervention? It all started a few nights earlier.
[flashback to Barney's apartment a few nights earlier:]
Marshall: Barney, I can't believe your giant TV is broken. It's March Madness.
Ted: Okay, uh, I think I see what the problem is. Barney, can you grab me a screwdriver?
Barney: Sure thing. [on the phone] Luis, Barney Stinson, 12H. I got a hundred bucks if you can be here in five. Thanks.
Lily: You call the super for a screwdriver?
Barney: Yeah. Here's the thing about me and tools... the only one I know how to use is attached to me. And I am not gonna try putting it in the TV... again.

Ted: Okay. That's ridiculous. Everyone should know how to use tools. [knock at door]
Barney: Well, here's our screwdriver now.
Barney: Guys, I'm pretty sure that's not Luis, but I can't be certain. Someone introduce yourself.
Jerry: Barney, l... I got your letter.
Barney: Dad?