Robin: [on the phone] You're spending Christmas Eve with your family? Baby, that sucks. I'm so sorry.
Ted: Uh, they're fine. They're just... they're a little weird. You know they don't believe in gifts or Christmas trees. And they think Santa's how Satan spells his name when he wants to trick us.

Marshall: Holy crap, the magical Christmas season is upon us. And thank God we don't pay for utilities.

[flashback to Marshall at the post office:]
Marshall: It was supposed to arrive, like, five days ago, but then it got lost and rerouted. I checked two other branches, finally they told me it was here.
Woman: Yeah, all I needed to know was the tracking number. Looks like it's headed out to our regional branch in Poughkeepsie.
Marshall: What? No, no, no, no, I need that package today.
Woman: Listen, the truck already left five minutes ago so unless you want to run after it...
[cut to Marshall running after the truck:]
Marshall: Stop! Stop! Stop, please, stop. Stop. Stop the truck.

Marshall: I need a package on your truck. Can I please take a look in back?
Delivery driver: Sure. But I gotta keep driving my route. I'm running behind.
[Marshall gets in the truck but struggles to stand up as it drives off]
Delivery driver: My bad.
Marshall: I'm okay.

Marshall: Hey, man, thanks for helping me make my fiancee's Christmas.
Delivery driver: No problem. Too bad I can't deliver all these packages by the end of the day.
Marshall: Wait, so some people aren't going to get their gifts in time for Christmas?
Delivery driver: Sadly, no.
[Marshall helps the driver deliver packages]

Ted: Okay, don't tell your mom, but I got you guys some presents.
Boy: Like the gift of God's love?
Ted: No, dude, real presents.
Boy: Uncle Ted got us presents!
Stacy: That's okay, Ted, we'll just give them to charity.
Charity: Yay!
Stacy: Uh, not you, Charity. I meant the less fortunate. Ted, how would you like to say grace tonight?
Ted: Uh, you know what, why don't you say it. I really wouldn't know what to say.
Charity: Why don't you recite your favorite passage of scripture.
Ted: That's a great idea, Charity. But, really, I don't know. I mean how do you choose your favorite passage? It's the Bible; there's so many... great ones... And that one from Pulp Fiction's pretty cool.

Stacy: Who is it, Ted?
Ted: Uh, it's... It's just, um, carolers.
Marshall: [singing] Silent night. [Barney and Robin join in] Holy night...
Lily: I came here to apologize. I'm so sorry, Ted.
Ted: I accept. Give me the beer. it is so good to see you guys.