‘How Lily Stole Christmas’
Season 2, Episode 11 - Aired December 11, 2006
After Lily discovers that Ted called her a bad name while she and Marshall were separated, she takes down the Christmas decorations. Meanwhile, Barney refuses to acknowledge that he's sick.
Quote from Barney
Barney: I don't see any mistletoe, but... [Barney sneezes on her]
Woman: Oh! Oh, God!
Barney: A "Bless you" would have been nice. [scoffs]
Quote from Barney
Robin: You're sick.
Barney: [with blocked nose] I'm not sick.
Robin: You're sick.
Barney: You know what? I am sick. Sick of you telling me I'm sick. What up? [coughs, sneezes, falls]
Quote from Barney
Robin: Barney! What the hell are you doing? Get in here, it's freezing outside. Are you insane?
Barney: Hey, blame Lily and her oppressive "no cigars in the apartment rule." God, it's like Marshall's marrying the Taliban. [Barney sneezes on his hand] High five.
Robin: Eww. No.
Quote from Barney
Robin: Where are you going?
Ted: Marshall gets home in three hours. He's gonna show up - no Lily, no winter wonderland. I gotta get up to the Bronx.
[As Ted leaves, he slams the door and wakes Barney up]
Barney: ...dary.
Quote from Ted
Ted: [answering phone] Hello?
Virginia Mosby: Ted Evelyn Mosby!
Ted: Oh. Uh, hey, Mom. Merry Christmas.
Virginia Mosby: I just got the most disturbing call from Lily. How could you use such a horrible word?
Ted: Oh, God, she called you?
Virginia Mosby: Are you acting out because of the divorce? Is-is this all about Clint?
Ted: No, Mom, why would it be about Clint?
Quote from Ted
Clint: [on the phone] Hey, buddy, it's Clint. How you doing, champ?
Ted: Hey, Clint. Listen, um, I don't really have time to...
Clint: Hey, hey, no, no, no. Ted, Ted. You don't know this yet, but you and I are going to be great friends. Now, the Native Americans have this ritual...
[Ted hangs up and takes the subway]
Quote from Barney
Barney: This is a low moment for the Barnacle. I should be off playing laser tag right now, but instead... Don't look at me. I'm hideous.
Robin: You just look like a regular guy.
Barney: Exactly. I'm a Ted. I'm wearing elastic-waist fleece pants.
Robin: And isn't it more comfy?
Barney: Yes.
Quote from Ted
Ted: Okay, I'm sorry for calling you a... that word, over the summer, and for saying it again today. And for thinking it a lot on the subway ride over. I had no right to say that. It was hurtful and immature and I'm sorry.
Lily: Oh, shut up. You think I don't know your fake apologies by now, Ted Mosby? Huh? You're clearly still mad at me.
Ted: I'm not mad at you.
Lily: Yes, you are.
Ted: I am not mad at you, Lily. Now, can we please just...
Lily: I've apologized to Marshall and he's forgiven me and we've moved passed it. Why can't you?
Ted: Because you never apologized to me. Marshall's not the only one you walked out on. You leave for three months, you don't even call. Come on, Lily, we're supposed to be friends!
Lily: Yeah, some friend, you called me a Grinch.
Ted: You were a Grinch!
Quote from Robin
Ted: [on the phone] Oh, how's Barney feeling?
Robin: You mean the whiney bottomless pit of neediness? He was bugging me, so I spiked his echinacea tea with codeine.
Ted: You're gonna be a great mom.
Quote from Marshall
Lily: Merry Christmas! What's in the box?
Marshall: Only the best present for the best girl ever. It took me all day to track it down.
Lily: I thought you were writing a paper.
Marshall: Ah, naw, I blew that off. I'll get an extension. School's not important. What is that pitter patter on the roof? Could it be the sound of an awesome Christmas story about to come down the chimney? Why, yes, it is. 'Twas the day before Christmas...