Marshall: I didn't realize Ted wasn't the dean until later that night.
[flashback to Ted "eating a sandwich" in his college dorm room in 1996 as Marshall returns:]
Marshall: You're not the dean.
[Ted and Marshall start laughing]

Ted: Barney, it's time you knew, um, that story actually goes a little bit differently.
[flashback to Ted signing to Audrey:]
Ted: [signs] "He's lying to you. Just give him a fake number."
[present:]
Barney: Great, funny. God, with a wingman like Ted, I might need to resort to meeting someone in a super desperate and lame way, like online. Online. Online.

Blahblah: Oh, I see what's going on here, Ted, I'm just some random girl to make Robin jealous and after she takes you back, you probably won't even remember my name. [gets up and leaves]
Ted: Come on, Blahblah, it's not like that.

Ted: The night before Lily met Marshall, there was this party.
[flashback to a college party in 1996 where Ted approaches Lily:]
Ted: Hey, you a freshwoman? I never use the word freshman. Sexist.
Lily: Yeah, I'm a first-year. I'm in Hewitt 220.
Ted: No way, Hewitt 110. You should totally come by.
Lily: Maybe I will, Hewitt 110.
All: Chug chug chug chug
[Marshall is being held upside down as he chugs beer directly from a keg]
Ted: These drunk idiots. Hey, don't drink their two dollar beer. This is a pinot noir from Europe.
Lily: Oh, it's fruity.
Ted: Yeah, I cut it with some cranberry juice, it's pretty strong.
Lily: So, uh, do you have a girlfriend?
Ted: Yeah. Not sure about the whole long distance thing though. It's like Descartes says, "In order to determine whether we can know anything with certainty, we first have to doubt everything we know." You know?
Lily: Wow.
[Ted and Lily start kissing]

Ted: As drunk as she was, when she woke up the next morning, she still remembered room 110. That's why she knocked on the door. She was looking for me.
Blahblah: Oh my God.
Ted: Yeah, and in all these years Lily and I have never spoken about it, so again, mum's the word, OK?
Blahblah: You have to tell Marshall.
Ted: If he heard that, it would destroy him.
Blahblah: If you don't tell him, I will.
Ted: Oh, come on, you wouldn't. [off Blahblah's look] Oh, no.

Blahblah: So, Lily, how did you and Ted meet? Come on, Lily, the real story.
Ted: I don't think anyone wants to hear that story.
Lily: Don't be embarrassed, Ted, it was a long time ago.
[flashback to Ted crying on the phone as Lily and Marshall enter his college dorm:]
Ted: I made a huge mistake last night, but it's like Descartes says. In order to determine whether there's anything we can know with certainty, we first have to doubt everything we know. And I now know for certain that I love you, Karen. Anyway, call me back when you get this. I'm also going down to the computer center to send you an electronic mail. [hangs up]
Marshall: [clears throat] Ted, this is Lily.
Ted: No, no, I'm sorry but I love Karen. [exits]
[present:]
Ted: Yes, that is the unabridged story of how Lily and I met. How embarrassing. Who wants another round?

Lily: Ted, what's going on?
Ted: She knows about us, about how we really met.
Lily: Yeah, I know, I just told her.
Ted: No, the real story.
Lily: Ted, what are you talking about?
Ted: Lily, come on.
Lily: Come on what?
Ted: Lily, come on.
Lily: Ted, I honestly don't know what you're talking about.
Ted: Lily, come on.

Blahblah: I know that you and Ted made out the night before you met Marshall.
Lily: What? Ted and I never made out.
Ted: Yeah, we did.
Lily: I only made out with one other guy in college before I met Marshall, and it was just some random dude. I don't even remember his name. I just call him too-much-tongue guy.
Ted: What? Too-much-tongue guy? I'm not surprised to hear that coming from unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl.
Lily: That wasn't me.
Ted: Yes it was, at the freshman orientation party.
Lily: [sternly] No, no, no, no... [worried] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Lily: Marshall, I need to talk to you. Can we go somewhere in private?
Marshall: Yeah, of course, what's wrong?
Blahblah: Lily and Ted made out. What do you think of that, Robin?
Marshall: What are you talking about?
Lily: You know that guy I made out with at the freshman orientation party?
Marshall: Too-much-tongue guy? Yeah.
Ted: And you know that girl I made out with at the freshman orientation party?
Marshall: Unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl? Yeah.
Ted: I'm too-much-tongue guy.
Lily: And I'm unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl.
Barney: Worst superheroes ever.

Lily: Baby, I am so sorry.
Marshall: I don't think you need to be. I was at that party. It was dark, and granted, I had eaten quite a few sandwiches but I'm a hundred percent sure that unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl was Alexa Leskeys, not Lily.
Ted: Really?
Marshall: Yeah, I'm positive. And too-much-tongue guy was Colin O'Riley.
Lily: Are you sure?
Marshall: If it wasn't, I peed in the wrong guy's shampoo, man.