Barney: How much fun is this? All of us reminiscing about how we met me? Robin, have I told you how I met Marshall?
Robin: Yeah, like five or six times.
Barney: It was right over there.
[flashback to Ted, Barney and Marshall in a booth in MacLaren's in 2001:]
Barney: Here's your problem, you've only slept with one woman. Those kind of stats are only okay if you're eleven. But tonight, we're getting you a new girl because Marshall Eriksen, from this moment on, I make all your decisions for you.
Marshall: I'm sorry, who are you again?
Ted: This is Barney, I met him the other day. He's kind of a jackass.

Future Ted: [v.o.] So, suffice it to say, Blahblah did not turn out to be your mother. As for the girl I made out with at the party, there wasn't a doubt in my mind, that was your Aunt Lily. But you know that magical story of how she and Uncle Marshall met, it was worth preserving, so I kept my mouth shut.
Ted: I guess I made a mistake. Must have been Alexa.

[at Ted's college reunion in 2020:]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Until our 20th college reunion when I ran into Alexa Leskeys.
Alexa: So, Ted, remember the last time we were here?
Ted: You and me? No idea.
Alexa: Ted, come on. Freshman year, we were both pretty drunk?
Ted: That was you? [goes to Lily's table] Lily, we never made out.
Lily: I know.
Ted: So I am not too-much-tongue guy.
Alexa: Actually...
Ted: No.

[at Ted and Marshall's college reunion in 2020:]
Marshall: Look what I've confiscated from some kids. [pulls out a plastic baggie with a sandwich in it]
Ted: That is a fat sandwich.
Marshall: I know, right?
[later, Marshall, Lily and Ted "eat the sandwich" in front of a vending machine:]
Marshall: Chew chew chew chew, swallow. It's all right, honey.
Lily: Sandwiches are strong these days.
Ted: I can't believe I used to be able to eat a whole sandwich by myself. Now it's like two bites and I am done.
Marshall: Baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage?
Lily: Dude, we're 42.
Ted: [laughing] Where's my wife?

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, back in the fall of 2007, I was dating this girl named... Oh, God, what was her name? It's been 23 years, I can't remember all this stuff. For the sake of the story, let's call her...
Ted: Everyone, this is Blahblah.
Blahblah: Please call me Blah.
Marshall: So, Blah, how did you two meet?
Blahblah: Well, I was taking this cooking class, French fusion, and everyone already had a partner but then I looked up, and across a crowded room, I saw Ted. It was magical.
Ted: It was so magical. [Ted and Blah kiss]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Except it wasn't.

Barney: So, she's hot?
Ted: Oh, she's gorgeous.
Barney: Then she's crazy.
Ted: No, she's not.
Barney: Ted, the only hot girls that troll the Internet for dudes are crazy, hookers or dudes.
Ted: OK, she's not crazy, she's not a hooker, she's not a dude. Though there's this guy I pass on my work every day who's all three, scares the crap out of me.

Ted: You know who else has a really cute story of how they met? Marshall and Lily. You guys should tell that story right now.
Blahblah: Yeah.
Marshall: All right, but spoiler alert, it ends with everyone saying 'aw.'
Lily: Aw.
Marshall: Starts with it too.

Future Ted: [v.o.] When you've been a couple as long as Marshall and Lily, telling the how we met story becomes a choreographed dance.
Lily: It was late August 1996...
Marshall: Lily and I were both freshmen moving into
Both: Hewitt Hall.
[flashback to Lily in her college dorm room in 1996:]
Marshall: [v.o.] And she needed some help setting up her stereo.
Lily: [v.o.] For some unknown reason, I felt drawn to room 110.
Marshall: As if she knew that someone very special was behind that door.
Lily: And as fate would have it, that someone was Marshall.
Both: [v.o.] It was love at first sight.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now, they perfected that story over hundreds of tellings. The first time Marshall told it to me, it was a little different.
[flashback to Ted and Marshall playing video games in their dorm room:]
Marshall: Dude, this black-haired Goth chick stopped by today, [singing] wanna tap that.

Ted: Anybody'd be stressed out meeting new people. She's not crazy. Crazy generous maybe, buying us drinks.
[Barney gets ready to speak] Shut up.