Jen: This is insane.
Ted: Wait, I got to ask. Why did you think I was snobby?
Jen: Wait, okay, yeah. We were sitting over there...
[2002:]
Ted: Main Lobster. They spelled "Maine" without the "e." Good to know we're not getting the crappy understudy lobsters, right? Tonight, the role of pound-and-a-half lobster will be played by...
Jen: I get it, Ted.
[2009:]
Jen: Pointing out spelling errors in a menu makes you seem kind of snooty.
Ted: Huh. I had no idea.

Barney: See, Marshall? We got to have a bros' night at a strip club and both of our ladies are totally cool with it.
Robin: I'm not cool with it.
Barney: Because they understand that it's healthy for us to do that from time to time.
Robin: It's disgusting.
Barney: Because it's harmless.
Robin: Did one of your whores tell you that?

Ted: Remember? [points to MacLaren's]
Jen: Oh, yeah! I do remember. We went in here for a drink with your friends. Who I loved... Or hated, depending on whether you're still friends with them.
Ted: You love them.
Jen: They're family, Ted.

Ted: Let's go in and see what they remember. And they are my best friends, so don't be surprised if they suddenly "can't think" of anything I do wrong.
[inside MacLaren's:]
Robin: Did he juggle? Bad puns? Expect a standing ovation for picking up a $19 check?
Lily: Oh, let's not forget the menu typo gold mine. Keep panning that river, buddy.
Marshall: Well, it is a lot cheaper than buying a condom.

Lily: Baby, you should be able to fantasize about another woman without feeling guilty, or you know, killing me off.
Marshall: I wish that I could, but I've been doing this for so long, I'm all confused about death and sex. It's gotten to the point where every time I drive past a cemetery, I'm sportin' a partial.

Jen: Now what?
Ted: I just remembered why I didn't call you.
Jen: Why?
Ted: I can't believe I'm gonna screw this up again, but, um, I like finding typos in menus.
Jen: What?
Ted: And I know my shellfish pun is stupid but the truth, I'm not suddenly gonna stop making stupid jokes.
Jen: Now that you mention it, I'm never going to stop talking about my cats. They're funny and adorable and totally worth having to take six Benadryl a day.
Ted: Shouldn't we hold out for the person who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks, but actually kind of likes them? Even if it means finding ourselves on another blind date with each other, seven years from now?
Jen: Oh, dear God, I hope that doesn't happen.
Ted: Well, good luck out there, Jen.
Jen: You too, Ted. You'll find your shellfish lady.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And kids, when I told your mother that shellfish joke, she did laugh. And I swear, it was only, like, 30% pity.

Future Ted: [v.o.] This is the story of two blind dates. One in 2009. And one seven years earlier. In all that time, my dating routine remained more or less the same. Until the fall of 2009, when I finally had a date that was different. Because it was exactly the same. I was on a blind date with the same woman I went on a blind date with seven years earlier. And she didn't remember it. But then again... Neither did I.

Barney: Guess who just got four tickets to the "Origins of Chewbacca" Star Wars exhibit?
Lily: Why?
Barney: No, I said, "Guess who?"
Lily: I heard you.
Robin: Yeah, um, isn't it a little early in our relationship to do something that would end our relationship?
Marshall: What? No, what are you talking about? It can be our first double date as couples! And plus, it sounds awesome! Is the original Chewbacca going to be there?
Barney: Peter Mayhew, in the fur. Who's with me?

Barney: Dude, Lily gets you in real life She has no business in your fantasies.
Marshall: It's all I know, okay? I can't, I can't help it.
Barney: I accept your invitation. Marshall Eriksen, from this day forward, I will be the wing man of your mind. Now, focus on the next dancer. Put Lily completely out of your mind.
Announcer: [v.o.] Gentlemen, say hello J-J-J-Jasmine.
Marshall: Barney? Is it just me or does that stripper look exactly like...?

Ted: We've been on this exact blind date before.
Jen: In this exact same restaurant.
Ted: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't recall that date going too well.
Jen: Me neither. I remember thinking that you were a little snobby.
Ted: Wait, you... You dress your cats up in weird costumes.
Jen: They're not weird. See, you're being snobby again.
Ted: Oh, my God. Do you realize what this means? Since our first date, we've done a complete lap of all the single people in New York only to end up back here, with each other.
Jen: Whoa. We're going to die alone, aren't we?
Ted: Well, you've got your cats.