[As Jasmine, "stripper Lily", goes on stage:]
Lily: I am hot! Oh, crawl for it, stripper me. This is awesome. Baby, can I get another hundred?
Marshall: That was a hundred?
Lily: Wow, she crawls fast.

Ted: Look, Jen, I wish I could go back and talk some sense into 2002 Ted, but that guy's a lost cause. He's 24. He thinks a little facial hair makes him look like Johnny Depp. He has no idea what a great girl he's missing out on. But I've learned a lot since then. I've learned a lot tonight.
Jen: The only thing that we've learned is that, seven years ago, it was mistake for us to go out. And I guess it was a mistake for us to go out tonight.
Ted: No, it wasn't. I had a great time tonight. And seven years ago, if you think about it, we didn't miss by that much. If a couple things had gone a little bit differently... who knows what would have happened?
[Ted reimagines their 2002 date. Jen does the "check dance". Ted offers her his jacket. They pose for pictures with Mustache Marshall. He calls her after their date. They marry, with her cats in attendance.]
Jen: Wow.
Ted: Wow.

Barney: You are the best. You are the best. My girlfriend is at a strip club with me and she couldn't care less.
Robin: I do care, Barney. Look, we're dating now, okay? That changes things. We have to have a serious talk about this.
Barney: Just the best.

Marshall: Hey. Girlfriend trouble? I wish I could help, but my unbelievably cool wife just bought us a private dance with her stripper body double. So if you need me, I'll be getting grinded like some pepper, in the champagne room.

[As Jasmine squirms around on stage:]
Marshall: Hey, Lil. Looks like, uh, Jasmine's having a hard time getting out of those boots.
Lily: [in foreign accent] What did you say, buddy?
Marshall: Lily?
Lily: Who? Oh, yes. I am this Lily. We married long time. May I have monies for shopping?
[After a thud is heard, "Jasmine" screams on stage]
Marshall: Lily!