James: Can you believe her?
Barney: I know. Forgetting to send the photo. That poor sculptor had to work from memory. Those statues probably look nothing like us. Damn it, Mom!

James: Listen to me. There is no Yourson, North Dakota.
Barney: Mom...
James: And Sam Gibbs wasn't the mayor. He might be one of our fathers.
Barney: He's not my dad. My dad's Bob Barker.
James: Barney, you've gotta stop livin' in these fairy tales that Mom told us. Bob Barker is not your father. Sam Gibbs might be. But Bob Barker is absolutely, unequivocally not your father!

Ted: "Ted Mosby is solid as a rock." No. Dependable. No. Rugged. No...
Robin: Why don't I just go to the Chevy web site and copy down adjectives?

Sam: Can I help you?
James: Yeah, um... You're Sam Gibbs?
Sam: Yes.
James: I'm James Stinson. And, uh, I think you may have known my mother, Loretta Stinson in the '70s.
Sam: Loretta. Yeah. Yeah, l-l-l-I knew Loretta.
James: My mother meant to send you this.
Sam: You're my son.
Lily: God, this must be so hard for Barney.
Marshall: Yeah, but you know what? He took a big step today.
Barney: Papa!
Marshall: Uh-oh.

Ted: Wait, Barney and James are two years apart. If Sam only knew Loretta for a few months, he couldn't possibly be Barney's father.
Robin: [texting] He's also quite the detective.

[Sam plays the piano as he and James sing:]
Sam & James: If the sky We look upon
James: Mmm-mmm-mmm
Sam & James: Should tumble and fall
Barney: [distorted through vocoder:] Or the mountains Should crumble To the sea To the sea
[Sam and James get up and walk away]
Barney: [still distorted] Wait, Dad, James. Where you goin'? That's the best part. Can we go camping?

Future Ted: [v.o.] So there we were, helping Barney pack up his childhood home.
Barney: Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing's way too big to fit in that box.
Ted: Yeah, that's what your mom said.
Barney: How dare you!
Ted: No, she actually said that.
Loretta: Oh, dear. I thought I told you that's just not gonna fit in there.

Lily: You may be able to talk the brain surgeons you pick up into doing whatever you want... but it's not gonna work on us.
Barney: [sighs, cracks knuckles, clears throat]
[later, at Loretta's house:]
Lily: How did he do that?

Loretta: And how is my delicious little grandson?
Barney: Oh, did he get the clothes I sent him?
James: Check it.
All: Ah!
James: How cute is that, right? When was the last time you saw a diaper poking out of a Dolce & Gabbana suit?
Marshall: Tuesday, at work. Some of the senior partners are really getting up there.

Robin: So, Ted, yesterday at work... I totally talked you up to that super-hot make-up girl Liz.
Ted: Oh, yeah? What'd you say?
Robin: Oh, you know, how funny you are.
Ted: Guilty.
Robin: Handsome.
Ted: Who, me?
Robin: Incredible lover.
Ted: Really?
Robin: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I was all, like, "He knows a woman's body better than she knows her own. Endless waves of pleasure, just cresting and breaking for hours and hours, blah, blah, blah. Orgasms so intense you just black out." All that stuff.