Loretta: But if you want, I can tell you who your father really is.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And at that moment, Barney suddenly saw his childhood more clearly than he ever had before.
[flashback to young Barney struggling to bounce a basketball in gym as Loretta talks to the coach:]
Coach: I'm sorry, but your son can't be on the team. He's terrible. [exits]
Young Barney: What did Coach say, Ma?
Loretta: He said you're simply too good to be on the team. It's not fair to the other boys. But that's okay. We can just play together in the backyard.
[flashback to Barney's birthday party:]
Young Barney: Why didn't anyone come?
Loretta: Oh, you know what, dear? Apparently there was a mix-up with the mail. I just got this letter from the postmaster general.
Young Barney: "Dear Barney, I sincerely apologize for losing all the invitations you sent out to your eighth birthday party."
[flashback to Loretta, dressed as Santa Claus, putting presents beneath the three as young Barney and James watch]
[present: Barney takes the piece of paper from Loretta and tears it up:]
Loretta: Barney.
Barney: It's okay, Mom. I don't need it.
Loretta: But it's your father.
Barney: I already have a father. And his name... is Loretta.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, your Uncle Barney grew up without a dad, and it always made him feel incomplete. But as he hugged Loretta, surrounded by the boxed-up remnants of his happy childhood he realized he had
one hell of a mom.

Robin: So, Ted.
Ted: Hmm?
Robin: You were worried that I oversold you to Liz. Well, I fixed it.
Ted: How?
Robin: I sent her another e-mail. "Dear Liz, I hope it didn't sound like I was trying to oversell Ted. The truth is, he is a genuinely nice, down-to-earth guy... and I think you two would really hit it off."
Ted: Thank you. Thank you. That's perfect. That totally takes the pressure off.
Robin: "Is he gonna rock your world in bed? No. But he's clean, open to criticism and not into anything too weird. He's not bad at all. Not bad at all."
Ted: See, now you went too far in the other direction.
Robin: "I'll be honest, the first few times aren't gonna be that great. He's gonna say 'Are you finished? ' more
times than a waiter at a busy restaurant."
Ted: Stop!

Future Ted: [v.o.] During that afternoon, Sam and James began to discover how much they had in common.
Sam: [singing and playing piano] When the night has come Oh, and the land is dark [talking] Come on, you know this. Come on.
Both: [singing] And the moon Is the only Light we'll see
Barney: [singing] Light we'll see
Sam & James: Oh, I won't
Barney: No, I won't
Sam & James: Be afraid
Barney: Hey! Ho!
Sam & James: Oh, I won't shed a tear
Barney: No, I won't shed no tear
[Lily drags Barney off]
Sam & James: Not as long As you stand Stand by me
Sam: There you go.
Barney: Whenever you're in trouble Won't ya stand
Sam & James: Stand by me
Barney: [scatting]
Sam & James: Stand Won't you stand by...
Barney: Hey! [Lily drags Barney off again]

Future Ted: [v.o.] Eventually the strangest afternoon of our lives wound to a close and we headed back
to Staten Island, where Barney and his mom had a long-overdue heart-to-heart.
Loretta: Barney, I need to talk to you.
Barney: Uh, me first. Mom, there's something that I need to ask you, and l... I want you to be honest with me. Why do white people like Carrot Top?

Barney: So, this chick and I are going at it behind the Central Park Zoo. The bonobo chimps start giving us a standing "O." And just when I'm about to give her the same thing... What up! l-l... I can't. I just... I can't. Guys, I know you count the minutes until you can escape from your humdrum lives by hearing how awesome mine is. And I love doing that for you. But I just can't tonight.

Barney: All right! I'll tell you. My mother is selling the house I grew up in. All of my childhood memories gone, just like that.
Ted: That sucks. I've been there, buddy.
Marshall: What are you talking about? Your mother still lives in the house you grew up in.
Ted: With her new hippie husband Clint. The comfort of home is a little ruined when someone turns your old room... into what I'm pretty sure is a tantric sex temple. With all the bamboo, pot smoke and '60s music... it's like my old G. I. Joes are frozen in some weird Vietnam flashback.

Barney: Anyway, I need you guys to come out to Staten Island on Saturday and help box everything up.
Lily: [laughs] You expect us to spend a whole day... packing up your mom's house?
Barney: No, of course not. It's a two-day job.
Robin: Uh, pass.
Ted: Same.
Marshall: Unsubscribe.
Barney: You guys are adorable. You seriously believe that I, Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this? I got the queen to give me a fist bump.
Ted: No one believes that story.

James: Thank you guys so much for helping us out with this stuff.
Lily: Oh, it gives us a rare insight into the makings of Barney Stinson.
Barney: Hmm.
Lily: Hey, look at this. Who was a cute little basketball player... before he became the biggest pervert in the world?
Barney: I loved pee-wee basketball. Well, until they kicked me off the team. [v.o.] I was so awesome, the coach asked me to quit because it wasn't fair to the other kids.
Marshall: That sounds plausible.
Barney: Hey, it's true. Tell 'em, James.
James: Oh, yeah. He had, like, a four-foot vertical leap. He would hit it from the outside, hit it from the inside.
[Barney leaves] He sucked. Coach cut him from the team, and Mom fed him that story so he'd feel better.

Lily: And then there's the most popular parental lie in history: Santa.
Marshall: Yeah, but that's a good lie. Like when we tell Ted he'll meet the right girl and settle down.
Ted: I always find that reassuring.
Marshall: You will meet her, buddy.
Ted: Ya think so?
Marshall: Yeah. [hugs Ted]

Barney: Ah, Valentine's. The second base of third grade. I always got a Valentine from every single girl in my class.
James: Funny how all these girls have the exact same handwriting as the postmaster general, Mom, and home run king "Frank" Aaron.
Barney: Yeah, schoolgirls. The more they ignore you, pretend to hate your guts, Iock you in the coatroom over winter break, the more they secretly like you.