Marshall: I know, I said some things that were, as you say, kind of questionable. The truth is, children Marvin's age aren't really that impressionable. Do you remember anything from when you were this small?
Gus: Pumpkin picking at age three is the first thing I recall.
Marshall: Hmm.
Gus: Huh. He won't remember this. I guess it's true.
Marshall: It better be. Or else we'll end up paying through the nose for Marvin's therapy.
Gus: Okay, buddy, nice chat, but I think I need a break.
Marshall: Great idea. After this story! Robin Takes the Cake.

[title: Robin Takes the Cake]
Lily: Nonsense! Hogwash! Balderdash!
Marshall: [v.o.] Said Mommy, with great fervor.
Lily: You can't stop now, for don't you see? To the uninformed observer, you're not some sad cliché, some loser from a chick-lit story. You're Robin, and you're half a wedding cake away from glory! If you quit now, then Simon wins, the tale comes to a stop. At how you saw an ex, freaked out, and robbed a pastry shop. But if you have the guts, my dear, it's time to get empowered and be remembered for this sweet behemoth you devoured. And years from now, the troubadour will raise his voice and sing of the time that Robin took the cake. And ate the whole... damned... thing.
Marshall: [v.o.] Once more into the breach she surged, as Ted and Mommy cheered and bite by bite the towering confection disappeared. Some friends were called to come and watch. And no one had to beg. It soon became a party. Barney even got a keg. Forkful after forkful, Robin guzzled French vanilla making noises not unlike those made by a gorilla.

[title: Robin Takes the Cake]
Marshall: [v.o.] Mom's exhortations rang like Apollo coaching Rocky 'gainst a frosted Clubber Lang.
Gus: Oh, Rocky IV, my favorite.
Bus Driver: No, no, IV is with the Russians.
Man: No, IV's the one where he talks weird because of his concussions.
Gus: I think that's all of them.
Bus Driver: Hey now, no need to be discordant.
Gus: It's Rocky IV.
Bus Driver: No, III.
Man: No, II.
Marshall: It's really not important.

[title: Robin Takes the Cake]
Marshall: [v.o.] At last young Robin raised the final bite up to her lips the crowd grew still. The only sound was Barney eating chips. Just one bite left.
Ted: Hey, this is like that scene from Cool Hand Luke. You know, "My boy can eat 50 eggs " Right?
Barney: She's gonna puke.
Marshall: [v.o.] But Robin did not puke. She ate that bite and stood up, proud.
Robin: Wait. I'm not done yet.
Marshall: [v.o.] She shouted, to the startled crowd.
Robin: I've bested this here wedding cake. I'll gladly wear that crown. But now that I have done that task it's time to wash it down. For it's been such an awesome night, there's just one way to cap it. I'm going to drink this entire keg. Okay, Barney, tap it.
Marshall: [v.o.] And now that night's remembered not for Robin getting dumped but as the night we took her in to get her stomach pumped.

Marshall: And look at that, the little angel's sleeping soundly, Gus.
Bus Driver: Looks like our problems... Pick a lane! [horn honks]
Marshall: I hate this stupid bus.

Marshall: Marvin, I'm afraid this night is not much of a winner. Stuck in traffic, now we've missed the whole rehearsal dinner. I pray that I was right and that you'll have no memory of this godforsaken ride down the congested LIE. At least we know one thing for sure: things can't get worse, I swear.
Gus: Adios, truck stop burrito. Ooh! Do not go in there.
Marshall: Okay, one more story, and I'll try to tell it pretty. The tale of Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City.

[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Ted: You can't anoint yourself the king, just like that jerk, LeBron.
Barney: He left the Cavs three years ago. Bro, give it up, move on. So why am I king? Glad you asked.
Marshall: We didn't.
Robin: Never do.
Barney: It's origin story time. And trust me, every word is true.
Barney: [v.o.] One morning long ago, I woke up next to a conquest. So many great things 'bout this girl: her boobs, her rack, her chest. She had a thirst for action, and young Barney was a-quenchin' it.
Marshall: Is this important to the story?
Barney: No, just thought I'd mention it.

[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Barney: [v.o.] As I departed, having bid this busty babe buh-bye, I stopped and looked around, and wondered: Where the hell am I? The sign read 22nd Street, and my concern decreased until a cold wind blew a branch aside, revealing: "East."
Barney: The East Side. No. Wh-What have I done?
Barney: [v.o.] I stammered with chagrin. Just then a black sedan pulled up...
Thug: You Barney?
Barney: Yeah.
Thug: Get in.

[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Marshall: Well, that was great. Your little story tickled all our ribs. But one mistake you made, sir, was forgetting to call dibs.
Barney: No! Not fair. But I'm the king. And such a better dresser.
Ted: Sorry, dude, but that's revenge for Lisa the professor.
Lily: Let's have another round.
Robin: Yes.
Marshall: [v.o.] Your mommy said. And so we had one. The night wore on, and I must say, it wasn't a half bad one. What memories. Our young and happy hearts were hot as fire. Feels like a lifetime since those days.

Bus Driver: Sorry, folks, flat tire.
Marvin: [cries]
Man: Oh, come on. Now I'm never gonna make it to Nantucket.
[Marshall gives a "go ahead" signal to Gus]