‘Bedtime Stories’
Season 9, Episode 11 - Aired November 25, 2013
As their cross-country journey comes to an end with a bus ride to Farhampton, Marshall tries to get Marvin to sleep by telling three rhyming tales about his friends.
Quote from Lily
[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Marshall: [v.o.] Once upon a time, we all went out to get our drink on. When who should walk in but a girl with sweater tight and pink on. She ordered up a beer. I think you see where this is going. As Barney put it, oh so eloquently:
Barney: Boy-oy-oy-oing.
Marshall: [v.o.] He rose to go approach this girl commanding such intrigue when Mommy interrupted:
Lily: Dude, she's way out of your league. She's not in Daisy Dukes, nor squeezed into a Hooters tee. And I don't see a Curves membership dangling from her key. She has no glaring spray tan, no unicorn tattoos. She's sipping Chardonnay, not pounding cherry-flavored booze. Her makeup isn't running, she's not playing with her hair. There's very little chance she'll let you put it anywhere.
Barney: Your challenge is accepted, Lil. There is no girl too pretty, for I am Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City.
Quote from Barney
[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Lily: Is any of this true?
Barney: Of course. [v.o.] Now, hang on to your "chayers." For that day I was called before... the High Council of Players.
Staten Island Lou: Gentlemen, for your attendance here, our deepest thanks. I'm sad to say, this council has a poacher in its ranks. For Barney here picked up a girl outside his territory. The East Side is Tuxedo Charlie's turf. He's mad.
Tuxedo Charlie: True story. The Agreement of 2004 quite clearly did define Fifth Avenue to be our hunting grounds' dividing line. Your West Side college girls are not the slip I park my boat in. So you should know my East Side debutantes are quite verboten.
Quote from Barney
[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Barney: Members of the council... Bros... nobody wants a war. Of course I've not forgotten the agreement of '04. What can I say? A bonehead move. Defend it? I'm not able. But, bros, have I not been a bro to each bro at this table? My friend from Brooklyn, Pickle Jar Bob, will give some validation. Remember that young tourist who was looking for Penn Station? She'd just come in from Boston, had a wicked good-in-bed look. I gave her bad directions and she ended up in Red Hook.
Bronx Donnie: Shut up, Barney.
Barney: Whoa, Bronx Donnie, let's not get excited.
Bronx Donnie: Tuxedo Charlie's not the only one here who's been slighted. You told her you were Jeter in your quest to lie upon her. Impersonating Yankees is my thing. Have you no honor?
Captain Bill: Gentlemen, please, let's not blow this détente to smithereens.
Staten Island Lou: Council recognizes Captain Bill, our bro from Queens.
Quote from Barney
[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Captain Bill: Thank you. You all know me, and you all respect my game. I dress up like a pilot and meet girls in baggage claim. And on my long-ass subway ride from 61st and Woodside, I came up with a plan to keep you each other's good side. Barney, you have wronged these two. So, for the game they're losing, you now must grant them each a West Side hottie of their choosing.
Barney: You're kidding. That's the settlement? Come on, that's rather silly.
Staten Island Lou: Gentlemen, what say you?
Tuxedo Charlie: I want Robin.
Bronx Donnie: I want Lily.
Quote from Barney
[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Lily: Please. Bronx Donnie? No chance he could get me in the sack. Tell that Mafioso I know something he can whack.
Barney: Ladies, don't you worry, your fair legs can all stay closed. 'Cause luckily they took the counteroffer I proposed.
[at the Council of Players:]
Barney: Well, gentlemen, it seems there's nothing I can say to sway you. Charlie, Donnie, say no more, I gladly will repay you. Carlotta, some champagne. Let's toast before we all adjourn. To boobies. Oh, and B-T-dub, y'all just drank poison. Ha-burn. [laughs maniacally]
[at MacLaren's:]
Barney: And thus, my friends, I have become, through methods somewhat gory the Player King of New York City. Boom. The end. True story.
Quote from Marshall
Bus Driver: Gentlemen and ladies, it'll be an hour or so, before the truck gets here to give our broken bus a tow. So in the meantime I suggest we all get nice and cozy. We're gonna be here for a while. Uh, ring-around-the-rosy?
All: Yeah!
Marshall: How far do you suppose it is to the Farhampton Inn?
Gus: I'd say about five miles away. Oh, no. What's with the grin?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Then Marshall looked up heavenward, and swore by night's first star five simple words he'd soon regret...
Marshall: I can walk that far.
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: Oh, no, what a bummer! What craptastic luck! Without Marvin's rhyme book, this ride's gonna suck! Does anyone here have some poetry maybe? Or any advice?
Man: Yeah! Don't have a baby!
Marshall: I guess if I don't want young Marvin to wake up, the rhymes will just have to be ones that I make up. I'll whip up some poetry in seconds flat! Oh, I know! This story's called Mosby at the Bat!
Quote from Robin
[title: Mosby at the Bat]
Ted: Teddy Westside's got a date!
All: Hooray!
Marshall: [v.o.] We cheered.
Marshall: Ted's off the bench!
Robin: Our boy's back in the game!
Lily: Thank God, it's been a hundred years since Mosby scored a dame.
Marshall: The last time he saw boobies was the screen-test scene in Fame.
Robin: The last girl he dated, I think "Righty" was her name.
Quote from Ted
[title: Mosby at the Bat]
Lisa: Yeah!
Marshall: [v.o.] But as the Yankees got a run, Ted feared he wouldn't score. For while the date side of the line's
the one we all might guess he's in, there'll be no joy in Tedville if our Lisa is a...
Lisa: Yes! We win!
Marshall: [v.o.] Then Lisa took a drink and said... This may sound kind of random, but there actually is a reason for my rabid Yankee fandom. I guess I'll just be honest here, though crazy it may seem. My first week in New York, I dated someone on the team.
Ted: Which player?
Lisa: I'm not saying.
Ted: Please?
Lisa: What are you, a reporter?
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: See? It worked. I said some rhymes, and out my boy did conk. Now let's enjoy the ride.
Bus Driver: Move, jackass! [horn honks]
Marvin: [cries]