Barney: Hey, tiger. How you holding up? Do you need a hug? You want to talk about yesterday? Safe space.
Ted: Barney thinks Lily asking you to wash your dishes right away is a sign your marriage is crumbling.
Marshall: What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink, so I do the dishes right away, what's the big deal?
Barney: I'll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I was always the best at being single?
Ted: No.
Barney: Well, now I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Marshall: Aw. Look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes, you think you can play with the big boys, adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your mama's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other that would make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but thanks for your concern, rook.

Future Ted: [v.o.] In the fall of 2009, a new couple had just moved in upstairs.We had not met but you could hear all the time. They were always... Well, kids, let's just say they were always "playing the bagpipes."
Robin: Okay, this is ridiculous. I can't believe those two are still bagpiping.
Ted: I know. It's been six hours. Must be that Tantric bagpiping that Sting is into.
Robin: She keeps yelling out for him to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park.
Ted: You have neighbors! Shut the bagpipes up!

Barney: Oh, you fight. See, Robin and I never fight.
Ted: Of course you do.
Barney: No. And here's the secret. Every time it looks like we're about to get into a fight...
[flashback to Robin and Barney in his apartment as he eats breakfast:]
Robin: Um, why is there a bag of panties labeled "April 2008" in your closet?
[Barney puts his newspaper down, stands up and walks out of his apartment; present:]
Ted: So any time you think you might have a fight, you just get up and leave?
Barney: 100% effective. Can't fight if you're not there. That's what Gandhi taught us.
Ted: Boy, that's not true.

Future Ted: [v.o.] I decided to go to the bar for some peace and quiet. That didn't work out so well.
Barney: Ted, I hate to have to be the one to tell you this. Marshall and Lily are getting a divorce.
Ted: No, they're not.
Barney: Just listen to what I witnessed yesterday.
[flashback to Barney joining Marshall and Lily in their kitchen:]
Lily: Baby, you mind washing that?
Marshall: No problem.
Barney: I should go.
[present:]
Barney: She makes him wash his dishes right away, Ted. I give them two, maybe three weeks, tops.
Ted: Barney, that's not a big deal. And it's certainly not a big enough deal for you to be holding my hands.
Barney: They're in big trouble, Ted.

Ted: I see what's going on. You, my friend, are suffering from a little-known condition, "little-known" because I just made it up, called New Relationship Smugness. You and Robin are in the honeymoon phase. Everything's perfect. Every song on the radio's about you. Every other couple sucks. Enjoy it. NRS doesn't last forever.
Barney: It does when you're this awesome. Hey, check it out. Robin and I have been keeping a tally of how many beds we've done it in. We're up to 83 and a half.
Ted: A half?
Barney: Nineteenth century ottoman in an antique shop. [clicks tongue]

Marshall: I can't believe that Robin puts up with that.
Barney: Oh, don't worry. She's got a great way to avoid fights, too.
[flashback to Robin talking to Barney as he eats breakfast in his apartment:]
Robin: Um, are ties machine-washable?
Barney: No, they most certainly are not. Why? What is in your hand? Oh, my God, what is in your hand?
[Robin unbuttons her top; present:]
Marshall: Okay, so you walk away, Robin gets naked. Those are the two stupidest ways to handle conflict I've ever heard.
Ted: Actually, the naked thing ain't bad. [high fives Barney] That felt kind of weird.

Barney: Anyway, how was your weekend?
Marshall: Terrible, and it's all your fault, okay? I took your stupid advice.
[flashback to Marshall and Lily in their kitchen:]
Lily: Baby, could you wash your dishes?
Marshall: Lily, I'm glad that you bring that up. No. And here is why. [clears throat; pats his lap for Lily to sit down, she doesn't] Okay. So, it's like this, okay. Yeah, sure. You want me to go ahead and wash my dish. But maybe I want you to paint the ceiling, right? And maybe I should say, "Okay, yeah. I'll wash my dish if you get up there and just... "You paint naked babies on the ceiling." You know? It's just like...
Lily: Huh?
[present:]
Ted & Barney: Huh?
Marshall: I don't know what happened. I'm a lawyer. I argue for a living, but when it comes to Lily, I just get all flustered. How could you not? I mean, the girl's all eyes and boobs.

Robin: Hmm. Hey, Barnstormer.
Barney: Hey, Ro-Ro.
Ted: Okay, now you have adorable nicknames? Seriously, what's going on with you two?
Robin: Nothing. We're just happy.
Barney: It's like Gandhi said, "Smile don't cost nothing, sugar."
Ted: I'm not sure you know who Gandhi is.

Robin: So, Ted, did you talk to our neighbors?
Ted: Yes, yeah, I did. I went up there ready to set them straight.
[flashback to Ted going to the apartment upstairs, where an elderly couple answer the door]
Robin: They're old?
Ted: Really old.
Robin: So what did you do?
Ted: Well, I didn't have the heart to tell them to stop, because, well, good for them. So I just welcomed them to the building, had a hard candy, nodded politely at some racist comments and then left.

Ted: It's your own fault. You took relationship advice from Barney.
Marshall: Well, maybe Barney has it all figured out. He and Ro-Ro are the best couple now. Lily and I have been dethroned.
Ted: You know what, I'm not buying it. All that cutesy, lovey-dovey crap, that's not them. And I know for a fact that Robin hates nicknames.
[flashback to Robin giving Ted a drink at MacLaren's:]
Ted: Thanks, Robbsy-wobbsy.
Robin: Yeah, I don't do nicknames.
[flashback to them on the couch reading the paper:]
Ted: Finished with the sports page, Sherbs?
Robin: Seriously, stop.
[flashback to Ted on the phone with Robin:]
Ted: Hey, Robin, it's T-Mose.
Robin: Yeah, I don't like them on you, either.