Mr. Druthers: Oh, my God! It's gone!
Ted: What? What's gone?
Mr. Druthers: My baseball signed three times by Pete Rose.
Ted: Well, it's got to be around here somewhere.
Mr. Druthers: What do you think, Ted, it just let itself out of its plastic case and rolled away? Somebody stole it.
Ted: Well, um, I better get back to these styrofoam trees.
Mr. Druthers: Oh, who cares about the trees? It's just busy work to make you feel like you're contributing.
Ted: Inspiring as always, sir.

Marshall: I'd ask you how last night went, but we had a pop quiz today. Nobody got higher than a C-.
Barney: I know, I know.
Marshall: You claim to have so much sex, I only assumed you'd be good at it.
Barney: Look, I miscalculated. I thought she'd be old and fragile, like most cougars. But kitty's got claws. Don't worry though. Tonight, I'm seeing her again.
Marshall: Oh, just let it go, man. You're making things worse.
Barney: I promise you, after tonight, that cougar will be my pet, and I its master.

Barney: I think I'm falling in love with you.
Professor Lewis: Oh, God. That wasn't your first time, was it? Although that would explain a lot.
Barney: What? No. We had sex yesterday.
Professor Lewis: Oh, right. That. Well, you had sex yesterday. I revised my syllabus for the spring semester.

Ted: When Druthers goes to get his bagel, I'll go in, grab the note, put the ball back. If something goes wrong, yell out, "Who wants espresso?" So I'll know he's coming. Got it? Okay, now give me the ball.
Lily: No.
Ted: What do you mean, no?
Lily: I mean I stand by what I did, Ted.
Ted: Come on, Lily. We're running out of time.
Mr. Druthers: [angrily] Everybody get in here now!
Lily: "Who wants espresso?"

Ted: Give him his ball back right now. People are going to get fired.
Lily: No, they're not. It's just a tantrum, Ted. I saw this in kindergarten all the time.
Ted: This isn't kindergarten. Mr. Druthers is an adult, and he wants his ball back.
Lily: All right, I'll give it back if you show him your plans.
Ted: No. You'll give it back or you're fired.
Lily: I'm sorry, Ted. I just can't do that.
Ted: Then you're fired.
Lily: Fine. Here's the ball. At least you have one now.

Barney: I can't stop thinking about you. Please give me another chance.
Professor Lewis: Barney, I teach all day. It's the last thing I want to do when I get home.
Barney: But you don't understand. See, I've been going easy on you, holding back, 'cause I was afraid you'd break a hip or something. But, this time, no mercy. I don't care how long it takes days, weeks, half a year.
Professor Lewis: [sighs] Fine. Come in. You can start while I finish grading some papers.

Mr. Druthers: Hurry up. Clients will be here any moment. Now, slide it closer to his chair. I want this thing to really smack him in the face.
Ted: Mr. Druthers, thank you again for understanding about Lily.
Mr. Druthers: Oh. Well, I pity her. I mean, to steal from my office and then write that slanderous note, you might say that Lily was mentally deranged. You might say that, Ted.
Ted: Lily was mentally deranged.
Mr. Druthers: You might even say it loud enough for everyone to hear.
Ted: Lily was mentally deranged!
Mr. Druthers: Oh! That's a bit harsh, don't you think, Ted?

Future Ted: [v.o.] The trajectory of my entire career might have been different had I not unwittingly worn my justice khakis that day.
Ted: Wait! We have one more idea for you.
Mr. Druthers: Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: I have another design.
Mr. Druthers: Sit down, shut up right now.
Ted: No.

Ted: Hey, I'm project manager now, so, if you want your old job back...
Lily: No, thanks. I think I figured out what I want to be when I grow up.
[cut to Lily in her kindergarten class:]
Lily: Casey, that's not how we treat people. You'll get this back when you learn to be nice.

Robin: Barney! Oh, my god!
Ted: What happened?
Professor Lewis: [smoking] He broke his hip.
Barney: That's not true. It's just temporarily dislocated. Seriously, I'm fine.
Professor Lewis: No, he's not fine.
Marshall: Professor Lewis, hi.
Professor Lewis: Mr. Eriksen, hello. I graded your paper tonight. I was pleasantly surprised.
Barney: Yeah, she was.
Professor Lewis: B+.
Barney: B-plus?! Marshall, after I've gone through my eight weeks of physical therapy, I am going to get you that "A"!
Marshall: Let her go. She belongs out there in the wild. You should feel proud. You fought the cougar and lived.
Barney: It was an amazing safari. I can't wait to show you guys the slides!