Stuart: Attention, everyone. The Campus Cafe Arts Festival will now begin with our hostess, Elzina Harris, who will inspire us with her life-affirming poetry.
Elzina: Die. Die! Die! Go on, die!
Randy: You first.

Stuart: And now the country folk stylings of Rambling Andy Koplowitz.
Andy: [plays guitar and sings] When it's peach-picking time in Georgia It's apple-picking time in Tennessee It's cotton-picking time in Mississippi And everybody picks on me
Tim: Why do you suppose that is, Andy?
Andy: [yodeling]
Brad: Sounds like Dad when he gets hit in the groin.

Mark: What are they doing?
Jill: It's supposed to symbolize trying to get out of the womb.
Tim: You back off or I'll break your water!

Stuart: And now an insightful monologue from an exciting newcomer. I met him here when I took his class on Celtic mythology. Give it up for... Wilson. [applause]
Wilson: Good evening. My name is Wilson. And I've been told I've led an unusual life. Tonight I'd like to share my journey. So, come along, won't you? [bagpipes play] The year is 1962. The place, the misty moors of Scotland.
Jill: This is good. Now, he is just a natural.
Randy: Yeah. Well, anything beats a dancing bag.

Jill: Oh, yuck! It stinks. What disgusting concoction have you come up with now?
Tim: I reheated the pancakes you made yesterday.
Jill: They smell because you've had them in the fridge next to weird foods you're making for the contest. Oh, my God! What is that?
Tim: It's chicken with banana drumsticks.

Mark: Hi, guys. The paper came and they reviewed last night's show.
Jill: Oh, good. Let me see it. "The Performing Arts Festival opens at the Campus Cafe. Who couldn't help but love Elzina Harris's poem, Die, Die, Die?"
Tim: l! l! l!

Jill: Oh, wait till you hear what he says about the bag dancers. "The best fabric choreography I've seen anywhere, bar none. The only low point of the evening was the meaningless meandering of a pompous performance artist named Wilson."
Mark: What?
Jill: "These were obviously the words of a man completely out of touch with reality. One wonders if Wilson has ever stepped off his mountain top to go to a movie, a convenience store or a sporting event. If he wants to illuminate the human experience, he should try living it like the rest of us." He's gonna be devastated.
Tim: Let me see that. This critic doesn't know anything. This is the same guy who panned Tool Time. He said I was juvenile.

Tim: Hey, guys! What are you doing with that stuff?
Wilson: Attention, Value Club shoppers. I have just discovered the joy of buying in bulk.
Brad: Wilson practically bought out the entire store.
Mark: He bought a gross of toilet paper.
Wilson: Ah! And I brought you some.
Tim: Oh, that's three-ply. We couldn't possibly accept that.
Wilson: Well, I insist. You know, I never realized how much easier it is to buy toilet paper than make it.
Jill: But you love making toilet paper.

Tim: Thank you, everybody. What a nice crowd you are. Welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And, of course, you all know my side dish, Al Borland. [applause]
Al: Thank you.
Tim: Well, we are happy as a bunch of clams, pleased as punch to welcome you to Tool Time's first Creative Cook-off.
Al: Let's have a warm welcome to our impartial judge, Benny Baroni. [audience cheers] Well, are you ready to judge our creative concoctions?
Benny: Yes, Al. I just cleansed my palate with a light sherbet.
Al: OK. Well, the scoring will range from one to ten, ten being a great dish.
Tim: And one for anything that requires a stomach pump.
Benny: I'm familiar with the rules.

Wilson: Let's face it. [sighs] I'm never gonna be one of the guys. I'm just gonna be hopelessly pompous and out of touch with reality.
Tim: It's about that review again, isn't it? He didn't know what he was talking about. A lot of people liked your show.
Wilson: But Tim, you don't understand. He didn't just criticize my show, he criticized my life, who I am.
Tim: Aw, come on, Wilson! I've known you what, 15 years? And sure you're a little different, you know. But you've always been really comfortable with who you are. Huh?
Wilson: Well, just up until that review, I thought my idiosyncrasies had some value.
Tim: Well, they do have value. You know, what happened here is you went out on a limb. You put your life on the line, the battle zone. You're on the stage. You gave it your all. And, you know, so what? You got hammered.
Wilson: You ever been hammered on Tool Time?
Tim: Well, this once I got too close to some shellac and...