Pilot: [over p.a.] Ladies and gentlemen, we're approaching the Detroit metropolitan area. Now, unfortunately, visibility is so low that we are unable to land. It looks like we may be diverted to Toledo.
Tim: This is unbelievable. This is unbelievable! I won't make it home for the first time at Christmas. I have no gift for Jill. And I won't see the boys light up the Christmas lights.
Al: Come on, have some faith, Tim, there's still some time.
Tim: It's hopeless. The kids'll be lighting it up now anyway.
Pilot: [over p.a.] Wait a minute. A tremendous beam of light has just broken through the fog.
Tim: That's my house! Those are our lights!
Pilot: [over p.a.] I've just heard from the tower that we now have visibility and will be able to land after all.
Tim: All right! Hey! If he lands there, he's gonna land right on the manger. Wait a minute. What's that clown doing next to baby Jesus?

Al: Well, Tim, where are you gonna get enough juice to run something like this?
Tim: Can you believe he asked "The Tool Man" that? Heidi, my generator, please.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: [grunts] You want to plug it in for me, Al?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: OK, then I'll do it. All right. Heidi, hit the switch!
Al: All right, Tim. That's enough. Tim? Turn it off!
Tim: Oh, Heidi, get that switch.
Al: Turn it off, Tim! Turn it off!
Tim: [a reindeer figure] Oh! That was brighter than I thought it was gonna be, Al.
Al: [to a snowman] Yes, it was, Tim.

Mark: Will we get to put up the manger?
Tim: No. I'll put up the manger when I get home. That's my specialty.
Randy: Last year, your specialty fell through the roof.
Tim: I got all the quirks worked out this time. All right? Got the generator, string of lights from work. They're all set up there. Now, if any more electrical work needs to be done, I want Brad to do it.
Mark: How come he gets to do it?
Tim: Because he's the oldest.
Brad: And I'm the only one that can fit into Dad's suit.

Ilene: Hi, Jill. I brought all the ingredients to make my famous pfeffernusse cookies.
Al: Wait till you get your hands on Ilene's pfeffernusse.
Tim: Oh, I'd like to, but I'm a one-pfeffernusse guy.

Al: Yes, and I'm sure it's a much more thoughtful gift than what you got Jill - if you got her anything.
Tim: You couldn't be further from the truth. Why do you think I volunteered to lead an elf parade in Kinross?
Al: For the same reason as me - the prestige.
Tim: No. Her gift is up there. Kinross has one of the best speciality bookstores in Michigan. I ordered a book. It didn't come in time to deliver by Christmas, so I gotta go get it.
Al: What did you order?
Tim: A first edition - Freud's essays. She's going to love this. It'll be a Christmas she never forgets.

Jill: Guys, it's your father. He's stranded in the middle of nowhere, he may not make it back tonight.
Boys: All right! Cool!
Jill: Wait a second! You don't want to see your father on Christmas Eve?
Brad: It's not that. We just want to do the lighting contest by ourselves.
Tim: [on the phone] What's going on?
Jill: The boys are crushed. I'm trying to comfort them.

Al: This is the worst Christmas of my life! I'm stuck in this dinky airport! My relationship is collapsing! And I've cleaned out every cheese puff in this stupid vending machine!
Tim: And we have no place to sleep. Hey, ma'am. Ma'am, you live around here. Could my friend and I sleep at your house? We'll pay you money.
Old Woman: Perverts!
Clerk: See you at home, Mom.

Jill: Why are you putting that up there?
Randy: We had a little Wise Man accident.
Mark: Yeah. Now we have two Wise Men and a clown.
Jill: So now the three Wise Men come bearing gold, frankincense, and a seltzer bottle.

Jill: Guys, why don't you take a break? Ilene's got cookies for you. If they taste salty, don't say anything about it. She's been crying into the batter.
Randy: I think I'll just have some milk.

Tim: OK, let me ask you a question. Have you ever thought about having kids?
Al: Of course.
Tim: Well, that's not going to happen with your mother.