Al: You know, and that's another reason why Ilene shouldn't be upset at Mother joining us for New Year's. You know, after a couple of Rob Roys, Mother can be quite the party animal.
Stewardess: Here are your drinks. One ginger ale, one martini - double olives on the side.
Tim: Thanks very much.
Al: Thank you. [to Tim] Oh, I suppose mother can be needy, but... [Tim downs his drinks and sticks the olives in his ears] how can I turn my back on the woman who nurtured me from the womb? I'm just thankful that I have a friend like you that will lend me a supportive ear... That has a green olive in it!
Tim: This just means the barf bag wasn't big enough to fit over my head.
Al: I just don't why Ilene is acting like this.
Tim: Oh, God! Maybe the plane will crash. [removes the olives]
Al: You know, I have a good mind not to give Ilene her Christmas present. And I had a necklace made especially for her out of coins that she collected when she went to Stockholm for the gingivitis symposium.
Tim: You gave her spare change from a bloody-gum convention?

Tim: This is just great. Stuck here in the airport, and Jill's gift is in Kinross. Is there any place I can look for a book here?
Clerk: We have some books in our gift shop.
Tim: And the gift shop would be...?
[The clerk turns around the "Pilgrim Car Rental" sign to reveal a sign for the "Gift Shop"]
Tim: OK, can I see some of your books?
Clerk: Sorry. We're closed for the holidays. [flips over a sign saying "Closed"]

Al: Tim, I need to talk to Ilene.
Tim: Hold on. I gotta tell Randy how to put the runway lights on the manger.
Al: This is more important.
Tim: [on the phone] Put Ilene on the phone, please.
Al: [takes the phone] Sugar pumpkin?
Randy: No, sweet pea. I'll get sugar pumpkin.

Ilene: [on the phone] Al?
Al: I think I have a solution for New Year's Eve that's gonna make everybody happy.
Ilene: You do?
Al: Yes. Mother rings in the New Year with us, but then we put her in a cab and have the weekend to ourselves.
Ilene: Al, you are missing the whole point. You are 37 years old. Don't you think it's time to cut the cord?
Al: Cut the cord?
Tim: Cut the cord?! Don't cut the cord. It's the only one I have that'll handle the lights!
Al: This is not about your stupid lights! My relationship is hanging in the balance!
Tim: So, the extension cord's OK?

Tim: There's gotta be some way out of here. Something else. How about a snowmobile?
Clerk: That would work...
Tim: OK.
Clerk: If we had one.
Tim: How about a dog sled?
Clerk: I've got a dog, and my grandson has a sled.
Tim: Perfect. Of course, my dog's a poodle.

Clerk: I got some good news. The storm has let up in Kinross.
Tim: All right.
Al: Great!
Clerk: Unfortunately, it's getting worse here. In fact, it might not let up for a couple of days.
Tim: We'll have to sleep here in the airport?
Clerk: There are some hotels in town.
Al: Well, we'd better hurry up and book one.
Clerk: Sorry. They were booked up hours ago. But I do rent out a lovely room in my house.
Tim: OK, I'll bite. How much?
Clerk: It's going for $45 a night.
Tim: OK.
Clerk: Except in storm season. Then it's 200.
Tim: You know, pal, I'm gonna alert the Better Business Bureau about you.
Clerk: Go ahead.
Tim: Huh. [turns around the "Tourist Information" sign to reveal a sign for the Better Business Bureau]
Clerk: Can I help you?

Wilson: Well, hi-de-ho-ho-ho, neighborette. And a Merry Christmas!
Jill: Maybe on your side of the fence. I got boys crawling on the roof, Tim's stuck in Alpena, and a depressed orthodontist crying into her pfeffernusse.
Wilson: So, Tim is stuck in Alpena, huh? That is such a lovely town. You know, I have a very good friend who works there. He's a clerk at the airport.

Jill: I'm so disappointed. I was really hoping to give Tim his present tonight. I got him something really special.
Wilson: Well, I assume it has something to do with a car or a tool.
Jill: Oh, yeah, both. I got him a set of tools for the car. And this thing called a power inverter. It allows you to plug your tools right into a car lighter. This way, if he gets stuck in traffic, instead of swearing, he can build something.
Wilson: Well, that sounds like the perfect gift for Tim.

Jill: So are you and Judith spending the holidays together?
Wilson: Oh, yes, indeedy. This is the first Christmas we've spent together. And I am so looking forward to giving her the sweater that I knitted for her.
Jill: You knitted her a sweater?
Wilson: Mm-hm. Right after I sheared the sheep and spun the wool.
Jill: Wow!
Wilson: Then later on, I'm gonna fix her dinner.
Jill: What are you making?
Wilson: Lamb chops.

Clerk: I've got some good news for you. In the spirit of Christmas Eve, I'm slashing the price of my room back to $45.
Tim: In other words, the storm is letting up.
Clerk: Yes. Yes, it is. You should be able to get a flight in about 15 minutes.
Al: Finally!
Clerk: Would you gentlemen care for some flight insurance?
Tim & Al: No!