Heidi: Welcome back to Tool Time on location.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. And for those of you who just joined us, my wife and I bought this rental property as an investment. With that in mind, we're gonna show you some quick tips and an economical way to make this a nice home makeover. Nothing brightens a room better than fresh paint. First thing... [After Tim touches the wet paint, he wipes his hand on Al's shirt]
Al: Well, we've just taken a tour of the kitchen where we think we're gonna have to retile.
Tim: A lot of nice stuff in that kitchen.
Al: I can't believe how beautiful that vintage stove is.
Tim: Oh, you're just excited. He found a 40-year-old French fry in that stove. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Heidi: Guys, let's inspect the living room.
Al: That's right. And after that, Tim is gonna take a look at the den while I figure out what to do in the bathroom.
Tim: You're just now figuring that out?
Al: No. But I figured out why we're doing this show on renovation. Once again, Tim gets all his work done for free.
Tim: Wow! Mr. Cynical. I'm just here to do good work, OK? Now, any renter's gonna love these shutters. A fabulous addition to any home. Don't you think?
[When Tim opens the shutters, a poster board reading "Rent the Toolman's House Call 555-0172" is hanging on the back]
Al: This is a tool show, not the Please Rent My House channel.
Tim: Mr. Snippy today, isn't he? I think someone didn't get their hot links this morning.

Heidi: Hey, these glass doorknobs are in great shape. I think they're just a little loose.
Tim: Well, actually, Heidi, my wife and I are gonna go in a little different direction. Replace those, upgrade them with brass fixtures.
Al: Oh, no, no, no! You can't get rid of these. This is part of the house's charm. I love these doorknobs.
Tim: Well, don't get too attached to them. They'll turn on you.

Heidi: Next to a fresh coat of paint, replacing this carpet is the quick way to update your place.
Al: I don't think so, Heidi. Why re-carpet when the floors are a beautiful peg and groove?
Tim: Ooh!
Al: This would be a big plus for any renter.
Tim: You know, Al, I think you might be right.
[As Tim lifts up the carpet, there's a poster with "Call 555-0172" stuck to the bottom]

Brad: Hey, Randy!
Randy: What are you doing? I thought we agreed this was my shirt night.
Brad: Yeah, but that was before Samantha told me this was her favorite shirt.
Randy: Well, Lauren said this was her favorite shirt.
Mark: I don't want a girlfriend if I'm gonna have to wear that shirt.
Randy: Mark, it's not the clothes that matter. You'll be rejected based on who you are.
Jill: Brad, come on, it's his turn to wear the shirt. It's only fair.
Brad: Yeah, but Mom, I've only got a year to wear this shirt before I grow out of it. He's got the rest of his life.
Randy: Yeah? And you have the rest of your life to learn math.

Tim: Al, are you gonna eat that apple the entire time I'm fixing the doorknob?
Al: No. At the rate you're going, I'll be able to fit in two pears and a plum.

Jill: I don't believe this! You told Al that you want to evict him?
Tim: That's right. Because he's the tenant from hell all of a sudden. He's chasing me around the house making me do everything by the law.
Jill: Well... What about you? I mean, you've done everything to him short of running fingerprints on him. [off Tim's look] No! You did not!
Tim: It may have been a computer error, but I think he's wanted in Texas on mail fraud charges.

Jill: Oh, Tim! I mean, it took him all his courage, you know, to get out of that cramped, little apartment. Then you kick him out on the street. How could you do that to poor Al?
Tim: Poor Al, my foot. How about poor me? He wants to sue me. And that bonehead would probably take this right to the Supreme Court.
Jill: You won't stand a chance. Sandra Day O'Connor's gonna love Al.
Tim: Gidget?

Tim: We're just disagreeing over the lease. So, I'm... I'm gonna have to evict him.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm shocked that you would evict your best friend. I'm even more shocked that you would make him sign a lease.
Tim: I'm new at the landlord thing, Wilson. I'm trying to do everything in a businesslike manner.
Wilson: Well, Tim, let me ask you something, if I was renting from you, would you make me sign a lease?
Tim: Well... yeah. Probably let you skip the the fingerprinting and the blood samples.
Wilson: Tim, a landlord doesn't have to do that.
Tim: Well, they don't have to do that. But you know, when I do something new, I like to go at it full strength!
Wilson: Right. Like the time you brought home the new riding mower.
Tim: You got it. I didn't have to put 120 horsepower in that thing. But I did 'cause there's nothing better than adding...
Wilson: More power.
Tim: [grunts]

Wilson: You know, Tim, there's a difference between powering up a lawnmower and lording it over your best friend. You know, Henry Adams the historian said, "A friend in power is a friend lost."
Tim: I might've got a bit crazy on that. Twenty-one clauses and that thorough investigation.
Wilson: Well, what did you gain from that?
Tim: Well, I lost my first tenant, my best friend. I've got a huge photocopy bill. But they carved a head of me up there at Cheese World. They set it out.