Tim: All right, listen, what do you think Nana called her when she was little?
Mark: Jill?
Tim: A name that might annoy her.
Brad: Tim. [laughs]
Tim: Back off, all right?

Al: Tim, where... where are y... Well, while we're waiting for Tim, I, uh... I would... well, I'd like to regale you with an anecdote about my first sawhorse. Her name was Lilly.
[The Lone Ranger theme plays as Tim rides in on a mechanical saw-horse]
Tim: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.
Al: Your sawhorse has an engine?
Tim: Right. It'll do 160 on the interstate. Listen to this thing idle.
Al: Well, take it out of gear.
Tim: Huh?
Al: Out of gear.
Tim: Aah! [Tim crashes into the camera] Ohh!

Mark: Dad, can we use the intercom yet?
Tim: Not yet. We ran the speaker wires to the amplifier, down to the transformer, which we goosed up to give it what?
Mark: More power!
Tim: Yeah.
Mark: Dad, is the transformer the thing that you set on fire?
Tim: You call that a fire? No, when I fixed the water heater, that was a fire.

Tim: All right, I should be able to get your mom now. [into intercom] Hey, Jill, can you hear me? Jill can you hear me?
Jill: Of course I can hear you. I'm right behind you.
Tim: Thought you were in the garage. We're testing out the new intercom. Today is the day.
Jill: That you come to your senses and realize we don't need an intercom?
Tim: The day I come to my senses is a long way off.

Randy: What's that, the Emergency Broadcast System?
Tim: Yeah. We're at war with the English. Apparently they want their muffins back. [British accent] All right, line 'em up. Give us our muffins.
Randy: Dad.
Tim: Shine 'em up. Put butter on 'em. I want... All right, boys...
Randy: Dad. Dad, could we?

Tim: He said they should change the name of the show from Tool Time to Fool Time.
Jill: Look, if this is really bothering you this much, I think you should talk to him about it.
Tim: I don't wanna talk to him.
Jill: Well, you can't let stuff like this fester.
Tim: Sure I can. Guys always let stuff fester. Remember The Addams Family? Uncle Fester, not Aunt Fester.
Jill: Whoa. Excellent point, Tim.
Tim: I'll call him down here. [into intercom] Hey, Randy, come down here. I want to talk to you for a minute.
Man: [over intercom] Flight 211, you're clear for takeoff on runway seven.

Brad: Man, I finally got through the introduction.
Randy: Man, by the time you finish that book, Jennifer's gonna be a grandmother.
Brad: Yeah, but if I wanna keep her, I have to get through it.
Randy: Why? You never read anything for a girl before.
Brad: Yeah, but this is junior high. You have to work a lot harder to impress the girls.
Randy: So sticking straws up your nose doesn't work anymore?
Brad: Oh, no. That's still big.

Tim: Would you mind going downstairs for a minute so I can talk to Randy?
Brad: Come on, Dad. I'm trying to read.
Tim: You can read it later. "David Copperfield"? That guy's great. He made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
Brad: Wrong guy, Dad. This is about the tragic waif.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, the tragic waif.

Randy: Bye, Mom.
Jill: [whispers] Say something to your father.
Randy: Oh, yeah. Dad, by the way, I'm still getting the all-Spanish station through my intercom.
Tim: That's real funny. Don't quit your day job.

Jill: So, did you get what I was trying to tell you about Randy?
Tim: I suppose. It really hurts that he thinks that I'm a joke. I try to be a real good father to these boys.
Jill: You're a great father.
Tim: And I'm a cool father.
Jill: Very cool.
Tim: I can burp with the best of 'em.
Jill: Yes, you can.
Tim: I can turn my eyelids inside out and do that.
Jill: Like nobody else.
Tim: I can flick ear wax 20 feet across a room.
Jill: That's why I married you.