Tim: Thank you, Heidi, and welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant, Al... Borland.
Al: What's the matter, Tim? You run out of stupid middle names? Is it my birthday?
Tim: I don't always have to joke around. You know, this isn't Fool Time.

Jill: What are you doing? You taking a break from David Copperfield?
Brad: I stopped reading it. I decided if a girl's gonna like me, she's gonna like me for who I am.
Jill: She dumped you, huh?
Brad: Yep.
Jill: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. Are you OK? I mean, I know how much you like Jennifer.
Brad: Yeah, but she's really changed. Now she's into reading and classical music. When I first met her, she was into cool stuff like clothes and hair.
Jill: Well... gee. I guess this means that... I'm not gonna get to see her anymore, huh?
Brad: It's OK, Mom. There'll be other girls.
Jill: Yeah, I know. I know. It's just that, you know... I... I really liked her, and I didn't get to say goodbye. It feels kind of unresolved.
Brad: Do you want me to have her come over and she can dump you?

Tim: The other day, you said some things that were really out of line, but I've decided that to ground you is probably not the answer.
Randy: Great. Catch you later.
Tim: Hold on a second. I know what's going on here. You're at the point in your life where you have to clean your teeth on my bones.
Randy: What?

Randy: Well, did you rebel against your father?
Tim: Uh... he died before I could be a real jerk.
Randy: He'd be proud if he could see you now.
Tim: Hey-hey... That's another good example of high obnoxious art. Uh, but the issue is here, I don't want you making jokes about my job.
Randy: Deal.
Tim: Or me getting hurt and screwing things up. Anything that makes me look bad.
Randy: What's left to joke about?
Tim: Mom.

Randy: What did she call her?
Tim: When she was real little, Nana used to call her...
Jill: [over intercom] Don't even think about it, Tim.
Mark: It works!
Tim: Of course it works. I know what I'm doing.
Jill: [over intercom] Al's down here. He fixed it.
Al: [over intercom] Hi, Tim. How you doin'?
Tim: Pretty good, Al. Thanks. [Tim mutes the intercom]
Brad: So, what did Nana call Mom?
Tim: I couldn't compromise her trust in me. [starts writing]
Jill: [over intercom] I heard that Magic Marker.

Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor. Look what I just found here in my yard.
Tim: Holy moly, Wilson. It's a rock!
Wilson: Oh, no, Tim. It's not just a rock. This is laminated dolomitic micrite. This was here even when the dinosaurs roamed the earth. Hmm. Imagine if this 400-million-year-old rock could talk.
Tim: Hey, brontosaurus! Why don't you aim that someplace else?
Wilson: [chuckles] Always the jokester, Tim.

Tim: Hi there. Today in the Tool Time corral, we're talking about a different kind of power. [spits] Sawhorse power, 'cause a man is judged by his pair of ponies.
Al: That's right, partner. And the sturdiest sawhorses are made of pine or fir.
Tim: A good rule of thumb is it should be sturdy enough to support Al's mom after a big buffet.
Al: You know, Tim, my shop tastes normally run old-fashioned, but when it comes to the sawhorse, I've decided to let my hair down and switch to metal. Now I'm a guy of the '90s.
Tim: Would that be 1890s, Al?
Al: This sawhorse is half the weight and can easily be moved around the job site.
Tim: That was an incredible demonstration, Al. But if you want a sawhorse that'll get you around the job site, I got the stallion for you.

Jill: Mark, come on. I'm gonna go buy you some clothes.
Mark: I wanna stay here until the intercom starts working.
Jill: Believe me, we'll be back way before that happens.

Jeremy: [over intercom] Boy, your dad's funny. I wish my dad was like that.
Randy: [over intercom] No, you don't. My dad's a total goofball. Ever see Tool Time?
Jeremy: [over intercom] I thought all those screwups were just an act.
Randy: [over intercom] Are you kidding? They're thinking of changing the name of the show to "Fool Time." [both laugh]

Tim: The airplanes flying around are causing all the static on this thing.
Jill: Why don't you just call the airport and tell 'em that they're Interfering with your intercom?
Tim: [bangs] Stupid thing. Stupid intercom!
Jill: Is something bothering you?
Tim: No.
Jill: So slugging the intercom is just part of the installation process?