Jill: Tim... we're pretty much in agreement that our family is complete, right?
Tim: No more frightening weirdos.
Jill: Are you sure?
Tim: Positive.
Jill: Well, then, maybe we should think about some more definitive action, something permanent.
Tim: Separate bedrooms?
Jill: Tim...
Tim: That's great. You want a more permanent solution, you have my total support.
Jill: Honey, I'm talking about you getting a vasectomy.
Tim: You... you... you've lost my support.

Jill: Now, lok, if I do this, I have to check into the hospital, go under general anesthetic and have surgery. But a man has a vasectomy just right there in the doctor's office. It's much less invasive.
Tim: [chuckles] Let me tell you something. Any time you're dealing with the downtown area... it's pretty darn invasive.
Jill: My gynecologist gave me the name of a very good urologist. Can we just go talk to this Dr. Kaplan?
Tim: What are we talking baout? Why are we slamming the door on having more kids, anyway?
Jill: A minute ago you weren't too crazy about the ones we have. You called them frightening.
Tim: I said it in a very positive light. I love those little guys. Hey, kids, get down here! Daddy wants to tell you how much he loves you!

Benny: Hey, Marty. Nice sweater.
Tim: Wow. That reminds me of something - when one of the kids spit up after eating a whole box of crayons.
Marty: That's very funny. Yeah.
Harry: Jeez. Who dresses you? Your wife?
Marty: She didn't dress me. She just bought it and... made me wear it.

Marty: Yeah, well, all I know is once you have that happen, you're... you're a changed man.
Al: You are not. It doesn't change you at all.
Marty: Tell that to my dog. We had Boomer neutered. He was a changed animal. All he does now is he just runs around in circles all day and chews on my slippers.
Tim: He always did that, Marty.
Marty: Yeah. But now he does it and he's got this real sad look on his face.
Tim: Look, I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Marty: Well, you'd better talk about it now 'cause after you get it done, [high-pitched] you're gonna be talking like this.
Benny: [laughs] You can be your own tool girl.

Al: You know, I think you're all being very insensitive. A vasectomy is a noble way for a man to take responsibility. Tim is making a very loving choice.
Tim: Shut up, Al.
Harry: What do you do, Al? Sit on the can all day reading Ladies Home Journal?

Tim: Hi, Wilson. What are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm gathering some twigs for my terrarium. It's mating time for my new spiders. You know, Tim, it's a little-known fact, but the male spider's sex organ is located at the end of one of its legs.
Jill: Better keep that spider away from Jill. He won't have a leg to stand on.
Wilson: I'm not sure I follow.
Tim: She wants, um... she wants me to have a vasectomy.
Wilson: Ah, I follow.
Tim: I know a lot of guys get them. But I'm just not one of those guys. I don't want anybody messing... you know... with the, you know.

Tim: If you got a vasectomy five years ago, why didn't you say something in your store the other day?
Harry: Oh, in front of those jerks? Look how they went after you.
Tim: I can't believe you had a vasectomy.
Harry: Well, Delores wanted to have her tubes tied, and she was really scared about the operation. You know, she's been through childbirth four times, and... Well, I've been to Nam. I've been shot, stabbed, kicked, bit, mortared, bombed. I figured, hey, what's a snip or two?

Tim: I think I'm ready to talk.
Jill: About?
Tim: About what you want to talk about that I didn't want to talk about.
Jill: The vasectomy?
Tim: Yup. I think the trouble I'm having is that even though I don't want to have any more children, the thought that I can't would kind of make me feel like...
Jill: Less of a man.
Tim: That would be it.
Jill: Tim, if I had my tubes tied, would you see me as less of a woman?
Tim: No.
Jill: Well, then, why should it be any different for you?
Tim: And why would it be any different for me?
Jill: If you did this, not only would you be protecting me from surgery, but you'd be making a real commitment to me and our relationship. In my eyes, that makes you more of a man.
Tim: [grunts] I want to be more of a man.

Jill: So what do you think?
Tim: I think I have more questions.
Jill: OK. Such as what?
Tim: Do they make a home kit so I can do it right here in the garage?
Jill: I don't think so.
Tim: Could this count as your birthday present?
Jill: Absolutely, yeah. For once, I wouldn't have to stand in line and return it.
Tim: And while I'm preparing for this, will you go out and find me a very, very mild aftershave?
Jill: Yeah, I'll work on that.
Tim: Yeah. Gotta be careful about slapping it on, too.

Jill: Honey... I don't know if this vasectomy was such a good idea.
Tim: Sure it was. Anywhere, any time.
Jill: Kitchen counter?
Tim: No, no, no. The attic.
Jill: No. That was too dusty. Maybe we should try someplace we haven't been in a while.
Both: The bedroom!