Tim: So I should get a vasectomy?
Wilson: Oh, Tim, I can't tell you what to do. I do know if I had a vasectomy, I would not feel like any less of a man.
Tim: Well, if you had one, neither would l.

Marty: No. Jill's making Tim get a vasectomy.
Tim: Marty!
Harry: A vasectomy?
Al: Wow.
Benny: Oh, my God! Jill's getting you fixed?

Mark: Aren't you getting tired of looking at your butt?
Randy: Surprisingly, no. Mark, let me tell you something no one's ever gonna tell you in life. Looks matter and... I got 'em.
Mark: Just too bad you're sitting on 'em.

Jill: Look, I know how hard it was for you to even talk to that doctor. But I had hoped that once we got out of there, we could have a rational, reasonable discussion about it.
Tim: We did in the car on the way home.
Jill: All you did all the way home was come up with one ridiculous excuse after another.
Tim: That's not true. I merely said that, for this sort of thing, it might be better to wait for warmer weather.
Jill: I'll knit you a little sweater.

Tim: You are getting very henpecked, Martin.
Marty: Speaking of "pecked," I heard about your little visit with the urologist tomorrow.
Tim: Marty, that's not public information, OK?
Al: What's the matter? Are you sick?
Tim: No. No. Huh?
Harry: Mm-mm. It's your prostate, right? Mine's as big as a Florida grapefruit.

Dr. Kaplan: Then I make two small cuts, and simply divide and tie up the tubes. The discomfort is very minimal.
Tim: Why don't you tell that to the boys in the basement?
Dr. Kaplan: You'll be back to normal in a few days. The only restriction is you won't be able to drive home that day.
Tim: What? I can't drive? Forget about it.
Jill: What do you mean, "Forget about it"?
Tim: Honey, honestly, I was really into it up to that point. The driving thing iced it.
Jill: It's just one day!
Tim: Look, it's bad enough to separate a man from his sperm. But separate a man from his car? That's inhuman. Harold, wait up.

Tim: This is not about accepting responsibility. This is about me being neutered and chewing on my slippers.
Jill: Who said anything about you being neutered?
Tim: Certain experts I talked to.
Jill: Oh, what experts, Harry and Benny? Where did they get their degrees? University of I'm An Idiot?
Tim: Well, they may be idiots, but they think exactly like I do.

Tim: Harry, what are you doing here? Did you guys come up with another vasectomy joke?
Harry: Uh, actually we came up with 12. But that's not why I'm here. I, uh... I came by to apologize for the other day. We were a little rough on you.
Tim: Hey, no kidding. Harry, I can take a joke, OK?
Harry: Yeah. You know, Tim, lots of guys have had vasectomies, and they're just as manly as they ever were.
Tim: Oh, yeah? You name one.
Harry: Me.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Harry: Yeah. I had one five years ago.
Tim: Really? Well, at least we know it doesn't make your voice get any higher.
Harry: Actually, it did.

Tim: Welcome back to "Gadget Corner."
June: Next, we have an air-powered appliance mover.
Tim: Now, this is a very useful device. I have one of these myself. It's an easy way to move furniture around without scratching the floor or hurting your back.
June: The panels are attached to a blower unit.
Tim: Right. Marv, you wanna close in here. I'll show you these. The air is forced into these aluminum air beams.
June: Which creates enough air pressure to lift weights of up to 700 pounds.
Tim: Which is how Al moves his mom room to room.

Jill: Wait until I tell you about what I found out at school today. You know my friend Patty?
Tim: That woman you like 'cause she's older than you?
Jill: Yeah. Get a load of this. She's pregnant.
Tim: That's great.
Jill: Patty doesn't think it's so great. She's 43 years old. She's got teenagers at home. She was so thrilled to be back at school, and now everything's gonna change.
Tim: Well, maybe Patty and Mr. Patty should have used some precautions.
Jill: They were using precautions. The same kind we use.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, no.
Jill: I wouldn't want to find myself in that boat.
Tim: I wouldn't want to find myself in that harbor.