Jill: Oh, ignore him. He's always in a snit when Bob Vila's on the show.
Karen: Isn't he the guy that has that national tool show that Tim ripped off?
Tim: Don't start, Karen, please. All I've heard all week long is, "Bob Vila this, Bob Vila that." What does Bob Vila have that I don't?
Karen: High ratings.
Jill: Fans.
Karen: Big salary.
Tim: Are you through?
Jill: Oh, pookie. We're just kidding. Remember, you have something to be proud of that Bob Vila does not have.
Tim: Oh, yeah. What?
Jill: Al.

Tim: Yeah, thanks, Officer. I'll make sure I get those tickets for Tool Time for you. You bet. So... how was your day?
Jill: Well... When I heard on the news that there was a lawn mower running amuck down I-96, with a police helicopter in hot pursuit, I thought to myself, "Could this be my husband?" Are you all right?
Tim: Pretty good chance of that. Yeah, I'm all right. There's good news and bad news. The bad news is... I got a ticket and they impounded the lawn mower.
Jill: What's the good news?
Tim: Good news is... I mowed 40 lawns and made 186 bucks.

Al: Well, you know, Bob is also here to promote one of my favorite charities.
Tim: The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Flannel.

Al: Well, Tim, I just hope you're not a poor loser.
Tim: Al, I think the audience knows just what kind of loser I am.
Al: Experienced.

Mark: Brad and Randy made me eat a tadpole.
Jill: A what?
Mark: A tadpole.
Jill: Where are they?
Mark: They ran away.
Jill: Well, Mark, you're gonna be fine.
Karen: I'll get you a glass of water.
Mark: No! Not water!
Karen: OK.
Mark: It's turning into a frog.

Wilson: Tim, would the boys be in trouble?
Tim: Big trouble. They made Mark eat a tadpole, so Jill's making them think they're having tadpole soup.
Wilson: Mm-hm. Well, if you want to try the real thing, why don't you come over to my house on Saturday night?

Tim: Bob, why don't you take a seat right here? Now, a lot of people think there's a big rivalry between Bob and I, but actually there's a lot of mutual respect between us. Right, Bob?
Bob Vila: Absolutely, Jim.
Tim: It's Tim.
Bob Vila: [chuckles] I was just pulling your leg, buddy. Just kidding.
Al: [snorts] I don't... I don't know if we can have Bob on the show anymore. My... my sides are about to split.
Bob Vila: Al, you've got a wonderful sense of humor.
Tim: Doesn't he, though?

Karen: What is it?
Tim: What is it? It's a riding lawn mower with a jet engine off a Chinook helicopter.
Jill: Are you out of your mind? You put a jet engine on a lawn mower?
Tim: No, but thanks for thinking I could. I borrowed this. It's on loan from the US Lawn Mower Racing Association.
Karen: Why would anyone do this?
Tim: Think about it. You got riding lawn mower, you got jet engine. Sooner or later, somebody was gonna put 'em together.

Tim: Think about it, Wilson. I'll be driving the fastest riding lawn mower on earth.
Wilson: Uh-huh, uh-huh-huh-huh.
Tim: I'm gonna be a lawn-mowing legend. [grunts]
Wilson: Well, Tim. It sounds to me like you're dealing with hubris.
Tim: Hubris? What's that in English?
Wilson: It is English. It means "excessive pride."
Tim: Oh, yeah, I got that. [grunts]
Wilson: Not necessarily a good thing.
Tim: I don't have that. I don't want it.

Tim: We invited our viewers to vote for their all-time favorite guest here on Tool Time, and today we'll announce the winner.
Al: That's right. You were able to go down to your local hardware store and pick up a ballot that listed every single guest we've ever had on Tool Time, although Bob Vila was left off that list.
Tim: Computer error, Al. Anyway, our three finalists are George Foreman, Mario and Michael Andretti, and Dwayne, from the K&B Construction Company. From our ever-widening audience, we've had thousands of viewers write in. Lisa, what's the final count?
Lisa: 112 postcards, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Lisa. And the winner for the most popular guest here on Tool Time is... I got goose bumps, I really do. What? No. Mario and Michael Andretti. [applause]
Al: Tim, that's not what... That's not what it... That's not what it says.
Tim: Yes, it does.
Al: No, it... No, it doesn't.
Tim: Yes, it does.
Al: Does not.
Tim: Does too.
Al: Bob Vila. [applause]