TV Quotes

Jill: Oh, ignore him. He's always in a snit when Bob Vila's on the show.
Karen: Isn't he the guy that has that national tool show that Tim ripped off?
Tim: Don't start, Karen, please. All I've heard all week long is, "Bob Vila this, Bob Vila that." What does Bob Vila have that I don't?
Karen: High ratings.
Jill: Fans.
Karen: Big salary.
Tim: Are you through?
Jill: Oh, pookie. We're just kidding. Remember, you have something to be proud of that Bob Vila does not have.
Tim: Oh, yeah. What?
Jill: Al.

Al: Well, you know, Bob is also here to promote one of my favorite charities.
Tim: The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Flannel.

Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".

Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.