Al Quote #96
Tim: Bob, why don't you take a seat right here? Now, a lot of people think there's a big rivalry between Bob and I, but actually there's a lot of mutual respect between us. Right, Bob?
Bob Vila: Absolutely, Jim.
Tim: It's Tim.
Bob Vila: [chuckles] I was just pulling your leg, buddy. Just kidding.
Al: [snorts] I don't... I don't know if we can have Bob on the show anymore. My... my sides are about to split.
Bob Vila: Al, you've got a wonderful sense of humor.
Tim: Doesn't he, though?
Quote from Jill
Jill: Oh, ignore him. He's always in a snit when Bob Vila's on the show.
Karen: Isn't he the guy that has that national tool show that Tim ripped off?
Tim: Don't start, Karen, please. All I've heard all week long is, "Bob Vila this, Bob Vila that." What does Bob Vila have that I don't?
Karen: High ratings.
Karen: Big salary.
Tim: Are you through?
Jill: Oh, pookie. We're just kidding. Remember, you have something to be proud of that Bob Vila does not have.
Tim: Oh, yeah. What?
Quote from Tim
Tim: Yeah, thanks, Officer. I'll make sure I get those tickets for Tool Time for you. You bet. So... how was your day?
Jill: Well... When I heard on the news that there was a lawn mower running amuck down I-96, with a police helicopter in hot pursuit, I thought to myself, "Could this be my husband?" Are you all right?
Tim: Pretty good chance of that. Yeah, I'm all right. There's good news and bad news. The bad news is... I got a ticket and they impounded the lawn mower.
Jill: What's the good news?
Tim: Good news is... I mowed 40 lawns and made 186 bucks.
Quote from Dead Weight
Al: I was just thinking about my mother, all the great times we used to have. When I was a kid, she used to take us to the park. We'd fly kites, she'd push us on the swing. We'd spend hours on the teeter-totter.
Tim: I used to love the teeter-totter. Up and down. Up and down.
Tim: Well, they play it differently in different parts of the country.
Quote from This Joke's for You
Al: What, your little bell will send 5,000 volts coursing through my body? [chuckles] While he stands back and yells, "Remember the Al-amo!"
Tim: I just want you to press the bell.
Al: I know... It's just a setup, isn't it? It's one big setup.
Tim: It is not a setup!
Al: Soon you'll start in with the uncalled-for slams against my mother...
Al: How she always shops in the husky section. How she wiped out the all-you-can-eat salad bar.
Tim: Al, I simply came out here to put this thing together.
Al: Well, go ahead. Just say it. My mother is a big fat cow!
Tim: Goodness gracious, Al. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.