Tim Quote #800
Tim: We invited our viewers to vote for their all-time favorite guest here on Tool Time, and today we'll announce the winner.
Al: That's right. You were able to go down to your local hardware store and pick up a ballot that listed every single guest we've ever had on Tool Time, although Bob Vila was left off that list.
Tim: Computer error, Al. Anyway, our three finalists are George Foreman, Mario and Michael Andretti, and Dwayne, from the K&B Construction Company. From our ever-widening audience, we've had thousands of viewers write in. Lisa, what's the final count?
Lisa: 112 postcards, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Lisa. And the winner for the most popular guest here on Tool Time is... I got goose bumps, I really do. What? No. Mario and Michael Andretti. [applause]
Al: Tim, that's not what... That's not what it... That's not what it says.
Tim: Yes, it does.
Al: No, it... No, it doesn't.
Tim: Yes, it does.
Al: Does not.
Tim: Does too.
Al: Bob Vila. [applause]
Quote from Tim
Tim: Yeah, thanks, Officer. I'll make sure I get those tickets for Tool Time for you. You bet. So... how was your day?
Jill: Well... When I heard on the news that there was a lawn mower running amuck down I-96, with a police helicopter in hot pursuit, I thought to myself, "Could this be my husband?" Are you all right?
Tim: Pretty good chance of that. Yeah, I'm all right. There's good news and bad news. The bad news is... I got a ticket and they impounded the lawn mower.
Jill: What's the good news?
Tim: Good news is... I mowed 40 lawns and made 186 bucks.
Quote from Jill
Jill: Oh, ignore him. He's always in a snit when Bob Vila's on the show.
Karen: Isn't he the guy that has that national tool show that Tim ripped off?
Tim: Don't start, Karen, please. All I've heard all week long is, "Bob Vila this, Bob Vila that." What does Bob Vila have that I don't?
Karen: High ratings.
Karen: Big salary.
Tim: Are you through?
Jill: Oh, pookie. We're just kidding. Remember, you have something to be proud of that Bob Vila does not have.
Tim: Oh, yeah. What?
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.