Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. All right, what we're gonna have is, like, a Tool Time seminar on how to talk to your ladies. All right. Between the two of you, which one of your girlfriends talks the
most?
Dave: That's mine.
Jim: No way. Mine, without a doubt.
Dave: No, Phyllis is always talking up a storm.
Jim: Excuse me. Hurricane Lorraine? Need I say more?
Dave: Phyllis throws shoes.
Jim: Oh, come on. I've seen worse...
Tim: Guys, could we?

Tim: Dave, you're gonna be Lorraine. Now, I want you to tell everybody what Lorraine says to Jim to get him in trouble.
Dave: All right, all right, I know this one. Jim, you said you were gonna be home last night, but I came by your house and you weren't there. Where were you?
Jim: Where was I?
Tim: [blows horn] Tool Time tip. Women always know men are lying when they repeat the question.

Brad: Hey, Mom. How was your day?
Jill: It was fine until I went into the student lounge and saw a bunch of people watching Tool Time.
Brad: You didn't notice the part where Dad called you an old hen, now, did you?
Jill: Yes, I did.
Randy: I guess that would make Dad a dead duck.

Jill: Hi, honey, what are you doing?
Mark: Well, Dad's in the basement waiting for me to drop this tennis ball down the vent. He thinks it will knock the ring loose.
Tim: [o.s.] All right, Mark, I'm all ready.
Jill: Please, allow me.
Tim: [o.s.] Come on, let me have it. [clattering] [thud] Ow! I said a tennis ball, not a croquet ball.
Mark: It wasn't me.
Tim: [o.s.] Well, who was it?
Jill: The old hen.
Tim: Hi, henny. I mean, honey. I suppose you... Oh. I suppose you saw the show today.
Jill: You are so pathetic. Why is it that I have to drag everything out of you at home, but you're more than willing to go blab about your feelings in front of a bunch of strangers on Tool Time? [Tim puts a helmet on]
Tim: Well, because on Tool Time I can say whatever I want... and people don't hit me in the head with croquet balls. Jill! [Tim waits a moment and removes his helmet] [thud] Ow!

Tim: Come on, guys. You're supposed to be cleaning the house, aren't you?
Brad: Sorry, Dad. I mean, if us out here is bothering you, just say something. Why do we have to drag it out of you?
Randy: Yeah, Dad, how come you can share things with strangers on Tool Time, but not with your own sons?
Tim: I feel like sharing my feelings right now with both of you.

Tim: You said your girlfriend didn't watch it, you said that she hated me.
Dave: Her mother taped it.
Jim: Yeah, she loves Al.
Tim: What do you want me to do, guys?
Jim: Just go out there and tell them it's all your fault.
Tim: Jim, Dave, you wanna help out? We'll do it together, okay?
Jim: Oh, no, no.
Dave: No! I'm not going out there with you. You're dangerous.
Al: Now you know how I feel.

Tim: Thank you. Oh. Thank you, Heidi. Oh, you're too kind. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Blues Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant Al... [harmonica plays] "The Reason I Got The Blues" Borland.

Tim: You've gotta do this. To have a good relationship, you gotta talk about it. Dave, come on up here. Want to say something to Phyllis?
Dave: I guess so. Hi, Phyllis. Uh, I just want to state publicly that I'm sorry for anything that I might have said, or will ever say in the future.
Tim: All right.
Dave: And most importantly...
Tim: Phyl, listen to this.
Dave: I'll never listen to Tim again.
Al: The only Tool Time tip you'll ever need.

Tim: All right, Jim, you want to say something to Phyllis? Excuse me, to Lorraine.
Jim: Yeah. Lorraine, honey, remember we were at the restaurant yesterday and we were talking about getting married, and you looked deep in my eyes and you said: "Pick a date, you pig, or die"? Well, I thought about it. May 28.
Tim: That's the lndy 500 weekend.
Jim: Uh, June 4.
Al: Congratulations, Lorraine.
Jim: But to show I'm serious, I got a ring.
Tim: [whistles] That's a beauty. Can I see that?
Jim: Yeah, sure.
Tim: Hey, Marv, if you can focus on this, come on in close. Look at the size of that thing, huh? [drops the ring] You know, I have never seen that drain before.

Tim: Come here. I made a scale model of the office I'll build you when you become a psychologist. Here's your desk, here's your chair, and here's your nut.
Jill: Where am I?
Tim: Seated at the desk.
Jill: And why did you do this?
Tim: I thought it would cheer you up. I was beginning to think you might have the blues and maybe we should talk.
Jill: So you're saying you want to talk?
Tim: Why do you think I'm laying down?