Tim: Al, you're not still angry because we didn't finish that cabinet door, are you? [Al is silent] Albert. It's not good to have any unresolved issues.
Al: As a matter of fact, yes, I was looking forward to that segment. You know, I told some cabinetmaker friends of mine about it. They were very disappointed.
Tim: I hope they didn't come unhinged.

Tim: Well, on yesterday's show I might have gone a little overboard. We got a few calls from female viewers.
Al: 398.
Tim: Who's counting?
Al: Me.

Tim: The other day, when you asked me what I was feeling, I told you, and you jumped down my throat.
Jill: You're right. It wasn't fair. If I'm going to ask for your feelings, then I should be able to accept them no matter what they are.
Tim: And not hit me in the head with a croquet ball.
Jill: Sorry about that.
Tim: I'm not sure you should kiss your patients in that part of the peanut.

Jill: Guess what. I think, I hope, I did great on the test.
Tim: Congratulations.
Jill: Yeah, if I had to guess, I think I might be in the 90th percentile.
Tim: Out of how many?

Jill: Hey! No hockey in the house. Oh, guys. Do you remember this morning when you said to me: "We really love you and we'll have the house cleaned up by the time you get home"?
Brad & Randy: No.
Jill: Well, will you just get your jackets and your backpacks off the table? And which one of you pigs left this mess over the counter?
Randy: The pig with the tool belt.
Jill: Well, tell your dad to clear all that off and set the table. Oh, and dinner is in those bags right there.
Brad: Oh, what'd you get?
Jill: Chicken. Oh, don't touch it until dinnertime tonight. Gosh, I live with a bunch of animals - disgusting, filthy little animals.

Brad: Hey, Dad, be real careful. Mom just got home and she's in a real bad mood.
Tim: Great. She walks in the door and you tick her off? Can't you give her a couple of minutes and help her out, huh?
Randy: Hey, she's not mad at us. She's mad at you for leaving the mess on the counter.
Tim: What am I? A janitor?
Jill: [o.s.] Tim!
Tim: Uh... I'm cleaning up right now, honey.
Jill: [o.s.] Tim, I'm way behind. I've got to study tonight.
Tim: Hey, don't you worry about a thing, honey. I'll keep the boys out of your hair.
Jill: [o.s.] Oh, I brought dinner. Will you set it out for me?
Tim: I sure will. Where'd you set it out?
Jill: [o.s.] It's on the counter by the trash compactor.
Tim: Not anymore.

Jill: I've never studied for anything so hard in my life. But it will be worth it. If I do well, I should get into any graduate school around here, maybe even U of M.
Tim: [downbeat] Great. Jill, why do you leave your wedding ring here by the sink?
Tim: I took it off when I was washing the pots and pans.
Jill: This is not a good place to leave it. It could go down the sink, down the drain here. I'd never find it, okay? Always leave it over here where it's safe. [knocks the ring off the counter and down a vent] [grunts] Oh, no.
Jill: What did you do?
Tim: Nothing.
Jill: What was that noise?
Tim: I don't know, but it had a familiar ring to it.
Jill: Did you drop my ring down the drain?
Tim: No, I did not. I dropped it down the furnace vent.

Jill: Oh, no. I want my wedding ring back.
Tim: OK, relax. I'll get some tools. I'll get it out of there. It'll give me a chance to find those earrings I dropped down there that I just realized I didn't tell you about.
Jill: Tim, what is going on with you? I mean, first you flatten the dinner, you forget to empty the dishwasher, you didn't separate the laundry this afternoon like I asked you to.
Tim: I was driving Mark to his computer class.
Jill: No, no, no. There's something else. Lately, I've been sensing some hostility from you.
Tim: No more than usual.
Jill: Tim, I thought that we had an open relationship, you know, that we could talk about anything. Talk to me.
Tim: I don't want to.

Al: Our objective is to put our two pieces of wood together so it has a secure and perfect union.
Tim: Yeah. Yeah. Right.
Al: That's right. In this case...
Tim: Like there's ever such a thing as a perfect union. Come on. What century are you living in?
Al: Well, what happens...
Tim: I want to get something off my chest.
Al: Tim.
Tim: Leave me alone.

Tim: Hey, guys, I'm cheesed. Has this ever happened to you? You're home minding your own business, picking your meal out of the trash compactor, when out of the henhouse, the big old hen starts clucking: "We got some unresolved issues." And don't ever- Don't ever fall for this "they want to talk," you know what they want, they want you to say something to get yourself in trouble.
Jim: Exactly. I hear you.
Tim: You know what I'm talking about, huh?
Dave: We're constantly in trouble with our girlfriends.
Jim: I mean, no matter what we say, we're always in trouble.
Tim: Two bachelors in trouble. Hm. What do you say, we get 'em down here and see if we can help them? What do you think, audience? Bring them on down.