Tim: You're doing great.
Brad: No, I'm not. I think I should just quit. I'm no good at this.
Tim: Oh, I'm no good at a lot of things. Doesn't stop me. I don't wanna hear anything more about you quitting. [walks into the kitchen] Good news - I think he's gonna quit.
Jill: He can't quit. He's only been doing it three weeks. Besides, I really think he's getting better.
Tim: Better? He sounds like Al's mom at a luau. [imitates women singing badly]

Randy: I had no choice. Vinnie challenged me to a sled race.
Tim: So you beat the guy and he dumped you in a snowbank? That's typical of those guys.
Randy: No, they beat me, and this was part of their victory celebration.
Brad: I hate those guys.
Randy: I swear, this time I'm gonna get 'em back.
Brad: I hate those guys!
Tim: We know, Brad.

Randy: I'm just gonna walk up to Vinnie and start swinging.
Brad: No, Randy, don't be stupid. Don't try to fight Vinnie.
Tim: For once, Brad's right. Listen to him.
Brad: Get someone else to beat up Vinnie. There's this one boy in my class, his name's Troy. For a quarter, he'll punch himself in the face.
Tim: [goofy chuckle]

Jill: Mark, go get your shoes on. I'm taking you for a haircut.
Mark: Mom, I don't need a haircut.
Jill: Oh, please. I could turn you upside down and mop the floor with you. Besides, the barber is right next to Brad's saxophone teacher. I can get you a trim while he's having his lesson.
Mark: You just wanna get out of hearing Brad play.
Jill: I never said that, and if it gets around, I never said that.

Mark: Mom, can't find my shoes!
Jill: I swear, if his head wasn't attached, he'd... Oh, no. I'm channeling my mother again. I'm coming!

Tim: All right, smart guy, sit up there, let me take a look at it. Careful, careful. Ooh.
Randy: Ow!
Tim: Ooh. That hurts, huh?
Randy: No, I just have a condition that makes me say "ow" every ten minutes.

Tim: OK, let's fill this out quick. Birthday is the 18th.
Randy: 8th.
Tim: Eighth.
Tim: 97 pounds on you.
Randy: No, 80.
Tim: 80. All right. Big brown eyes.
Randy: Big blue eyes.
Tim: OK.
Buzz: Here you go, Tim. [hands him a coffee cup with "TIM" on it] Coffee just the way you like it - cream and five sugars.
Tim: Thank you, Buzz.
Buzz: Couple more sugars, they gonna be calling you Buzz.

Jill: Where is he?
Tim: He's over at Jeremy's, showing him my x-ray.
Jill: Your x-ray?
Tim: Yeah, I banged my head down there. Took an x-ray. Showed nothing.
Jill: Big surprise.
Tim: "Big surprise."

Jill: So what happened to Randy? The sled just got away from him?
Tim: You know how they are with those sleds. It gets all icy, wind catches the spoiler... [whistles]
Jill: Wait a minute. Since when do sleds have spoilers?
Tim: It's not uncommon.
Jill: I don't believe you. You powered up the sled?
Tim: Oh, I tweaked it a little bit. It's not like I put a motor on it. Although...

Tim: I suggested a more sensible alternative.
Jill: Oh, a sensible one, like sending our son barreling down a hill on a death machine to win some stupid race?
Tim: You are so wrong. This is a practice run. The race isn't till Saturday.
Jill: No, it's not.
Tim: Yes, it is. He was challenged by Vinnie.
Jill: You said that Randy challenged Vinnie.
Tim: Yeah, well, then Vinnie challenged him back. You just don't understand the intricacies of the male mind.
Jill: Yeah, explain it to me. I've got a minute.
Tim: OK. Guy A challenges guy B. If guy B accepts the challenge, guy A is automatically challenged by guy B not to back down from the challenge that A gave to guy B.
Jill: OK, let me explain to you how a woman's mind works. Guy A and guy B are both idiots, and Randy is not racing.