Tim: Just great. Look at the time, huh? Now it's off to work I go without my "hi-de-ho."

Tim: Could I talk to Wilson for a minute? I got a couple of minutes before I go to work.
Jill: You'll have to wait.
Tim: I can't wait.
Jill: I'm sorry, we only have one Wilson and I'm using him.
Wilson: You know, neighbors, I am a friend. I'm not a rest room.
Jill: I'm sorry, Wilson. Tim, come on, I know you wanna talk to Wilson about me, but I was here first.
Tim: Well, hurry up. I don't know how long I can hold it.

Tim: All right. Let's give a big, warm Tool Time welcome for Cal "He's gotta be better-looking than Al" Borland. I don't see any family resemblance, do you?
Al: Well, actually, I take after Father and Cal looks like Mother.
Tim: And a fine-looking woman she is. Come on, Cal. You wanna tell us about growing up with Al?
Cal: I don't think so, Tim. [Al and Cal snort]
Al: [laughs] He's got that Borland humor.
Tim: Yeah, the kind that isn't funny.

Wilson: So Jill, what did you want to talk about?
Jill: Carrie. You know, when we were kids we were so close. We used to share a room, we told each other everything. Now we get together, all we do is fight.
Wilson: Why do you think that is?
Jill: I don't know. Ever since high school, we've been going in different directions.
Wilson: Well, sometimes it is difficult to find a way back to each other.
Jill: You know, maybe I just need to face the fact that we're never gonna be close again.
Wilson: Well, Jill, I wouldn't give up hope just yet. You know, I'm reminded of the 19th century English poet, Christina Rossetti, who wrote, "There is no friend like a sister in calm or stormy weather. To cheer one on the tedious way, To fetch one if one goes astray."
Jill: Hmm. Wait, which one of us is going astray?
Wilson: Well, if you lose the relationship, maybe both of you.

Al: As I said, we always resolved our differences with a nice cup of tea.
Tim: What are you - the Queen Mother?
Al: No. But nothing like a cup of Earl Grey to soothe sibling rivalry.
Cal: Of course, I would have preferred chamomile.
Al: Chamomile? You never said anything.
Cal: Well, you never asked.
Al: Cal, I can't believe this. You hold back on your tea preferences and then blurt it out on my television show?
Tim: Your television show?
Cal: For another thing, I'm getting sick and tired of you always flaunting your success.
Al: Well, you're just jealous because I have a prestigious career and you're just a lowly physicist!
Tim: Boys, television show. Live audience.

Tim: It's springtime on Tool Time. Al, you know what that means?
Al: Yes, I do, Tim. It means you're having me clean your patio furniture again.
Tim: And boy, it's a mess this year. Now, there are simple solutions for taking old paint and rust off right off that chair.
Al: Although one solution would be not to leave your furniture out all winter.
Tim: Then we wouldn't have any rust, we wouldn't have a show and you wouldn't have what, Al?
Al: A very small paycheck.

Tim: But I got a method that'll outshine your wire brushes, your flosses, your ointments, your salves. Put them all to shame. Heidi, my hot-air gun, please.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi.
Heidi: You're welcome.
Al: A hot-air gun does not remove rust, it removes paint.
Tim: Well, this one does both. I made a few adjustments here. This'll take the paint off a battleship.
Al: Something a lot of our viewers have on their patio.
Tim: Just back off. [turns on the hot-air gun] Maybe they use battleships, Al.
Al: I know.
Tim: Huh? No rust. No paint.
Al: No chair.

Tim: All right. Bolts off?
Brad: Ugh, mine's rusted on.
Tim: All right, we need the pneumatic wrench. Or I'll get a hot-air gun.
Boys: Oh, no. No way! [all wheel out from under the hot rod]
Tim: Just making sure you guys still watch Tool Time.

Jill: Tim, do you have to groan every time Carrie's coming to town?
Tim: Yes. Because I know what will happen. She'll make some remarks. You'll think she's criticizing you. Then you'll get real upset and you'll end up criticizing me.
Jill: I don't need my sister to come to town to criticize you. Besides, I love Carrie. I'm just not gonna let her push my buttons.
Tim: Oh, I've heard this before. The same thing you said when your sister Robin came for Easter, when your parents came for Christmas and weird Aunt Betty came for Thanksgiving.
Jill: And your point would be what?
Tim: You have a problem with relatives or holidays.

Jill: Carrie and I are gonna be just fine. I haven't seen her in so long. I'm really looking forward to Saturday.
Tim: Saturday? Perfect. I won't be here all day. I'm helping Marty and Nancy move into their new house.
Jill: That's happening Saturday? You can't leave me with Carrie. She drives me crazy.