Marty: [enters] You idiot! You big idiot!
Tim: Stop calling me an idiot, will you, please?
Marty: Well, if you'd stop acting like an idiot, I'd stop calling you an idiot. Big fat idiot.
Tim: I heard that. All right, guys. Come in this way. Hurry up please. Watch the door.
Jill: What's going on here?
Nancy: Why are the moving men here?
Marty: I had a guy to refinish our floors, right? Tim said he had a better guy. Well, he turns out to be a bigger idiot than Tim.
Tim: No one's a bigger idiot than me.
Marty: The floors aren't gonna be dry for two days and they gotta unload the truck.
Jill: Here? In the house?
Marty: Yeah, 'cause of my brother.
Moving Man: The idiot?
Tim: Marty, I was just trying to help.
Marty: Yeah, if you wanna help, just butt out of my life, will you, you big butthead?

Carrie: Hi, hi! Guess who's here and can stay a week.
Jill: A week?
Carrie: Oh, Jill. You look great. So wholesome, like an ad for oatmeal. Nobody can pull off that suburban housewife look like my big sis.
Jill: Tim, a whole week.
Carrie: Timmy! Come on over here and give me a big wet one.
Marty: Carrie, I don't think you've met my wife.
Carrie: I don't think I've met you.
Marty: Actually, you have. A couple... eight, nine times.
Jill: Marty and Nancy. And these are their twins, Claire and Gracie.
Carrie: Oh! Brothers, babies, boxes. I love this. It is so nice to know that there are still people like my sister leading their simple little lives in their cute little houses, making delicious little meals.
Jill: I hate her little comments.
Tim: She's not talking about you. It must be another sister. She said "delicious meals."

Jill: You know, I've gone back to school, I have great kids. [finds chewing gum stuck to a pair of socks] Well...
A great marriage.
Carrie: Oh, yeah. I know. Tim is great. I could see myself with a guy like him. On the other hand, I just wanna make sure I don't settle.
Jill: Like I did for Tim?
Carrie: No, I didn't say that.
Jill: Well, that's what you implied. I mean, right after you told me my life was mundane.
Carrie: You know, you are being very self-centered.
Jill: Me, self-centered?
Carrie: Yes. We're supposed to be talking about me. You know, I happen to be at a crossroads here and I try to talk to you about it. And all you can do is yell at me and fold your stupid socks.
Jill: Well, you act like all my life is is socks.
Tim: Hey, honey. Got any clean socks? [Jill throws a pair at Tim] All right.

Marty: Tim, you took a big step today admitting that you were wrong about the floor guy.
Tim: Well, putting me in a headlock didn't hurt.
Marty: Well, Nancy wanted me to resolve my fight with you by talking about my feelings.
Tim: I really appreciate that you didn't go that way.

Nancy: Marty, I can't find Farmer Fred.
Tim: Who's Farmer Fred?
Nancy: Farmer Fred is this little stuffed toy we use to get the kids to fall asleep.
Marty: Yeah, you know, you pull his pitchfork, he makes barnyard sounds. "Moo" goes the cow and "quack, quack, quack" goes the duck, and...
Tim: Marty, I got the idea.
Nancy: You remember where you packed him?
Marty: Sure. I remember where I packed everything. Go ahead. I'll bring him right on up.
Nancy: Thanks. [exits]
Tim: [chuckles] You have no idea where you put him, do you?
Marty: No.

Jill: My sister is impossible. She's been following me all day, snapping pictures and making condescending remarks about my life. And... But the thing that really made me mad... She says the reason she's staying here a whole week is so she can observe how miserable our lives are.
Tim: It won't take a week.
Jill: You think our lives are miserable?
Tim: Of course not. I'm joking. I'm trying to cheer you up.
Jill: Well, I'm upset. It's no time to cheer me up.
Tim: Got it. I'll wait till you're in a good mood, then I'll try to cheer you up.

Jill: I don't even know why I bother talking to you. Couldn't you just be supportive?
Tim: All right, all right. I know it's horrible having a sister like Carrie. From the first moment I met her, I realized she's an obnoxious woman.
Jill: Why are you attacking my sister?
Tim: I thought that's what we were doing.
Jill: [sighs] I can trash her because I'm doing it out of love. Besides, she does have a few good points, you know.
Tim: You're right. First time I met her, I thought she was a very delightful woman. She's very attractive, fun, the kids love her. She's got a good job, she's interesting...
Jill: Please don't go that far.
Tim: From now on, you tell me how far you want me to go and I'll go there.

Jill: Wilson, what are you doing?
Wilson: Well, hi-de-ho, neighborette. See, I am dancing the Fon Leb. Your boys gave me these nails as a gift. They are so thoughtful.
Jill: Did they also give you some litchi nuts?
Wilson: Yes, indeedy. I even nibbled on some while I was trying on the kimono that Tim gave me.
Jill: [sighs] Well, my family always believed it's better to give than keep anything my sister gave them.
Wilson: Oh, so the gifts came from Carrie?
Jill: Mm-hm.
Wilson: She is such an interesting woman.

Al: All right, Marv, if you wanna come on in here. As you see, we have a sagging beam that needs to be reinforced. Now, the best way to do that is to sister a matching beam right next to it.
Tim: Wait a minute. What is it with women and their sisters fighting? Why can't they fight like men?
Al: Tim, what does this have to do with decks?
Tim: Follow me on this. When two brothers are fighting, one gets decked, fight's over.

Al: I believe you're making a gross generalization. My brother and I have never resorted to physical violence to resolve an argument.
Tim: Come on. There was never a punch thrown when you were growing up between little Cal and little Al?
Al: No. We always settled our differences with compromise and a nice cup of tea.
Tim: Get real.
Al: You wanna ask him himself? He's backstage.
Tim: Your brother's here?
Al: Yes, he is. He flew in for Mother's birthday. [applause] Thank you. I'll relay your well wishes to her when we take her out for her birthday smorgasbord.
Tim: Good luck getting her attention.