Carrie: Look, I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I think it's great that you're happy being like Mom.
Jill: Oh, please. Don't use the M word. I mean, just because you jet around and you have this glamorous life and I'm, well, a wife and a mother, why does that make me like Mom?
Carrie: Well, why do you assume I have such a glamorous life? I mean, I spend half my time trying to figure out what time zone I'm in. You know, I've lived in my apartment for five years and I still haven't unpacked. Do you have any idea what it's like to live surrounded by boxes? [they look around]
Jill: Look, I gotta admit it. I've been really jealous of you. I mean, it was hard for me when you would call me and tell me you were photographing Mick Jagger under a waterfall in Tahiti. I dreaded that moment when you'd say, "What are you up to?" and all I had to talk about about diaper rash.
Carrie: Yeah, I dreaded that moment too.

Tim: I cannot find Farmer Fred, but I did find something my parents put in my crib to put me to sleep. Baby's first ratchet.

Tim: All right, the first step in restoring it is to take off as much surface rust as possible.
Al: That's right. And you can do that with a wire brush, with a sanding cord, or steel wool, which I prefer. It's slow, but it's very cost-efficient.
Tim: I hate the word "slow." That's why I just chuck an abrasive wheel onto my drill and let her fly. [Al catches the wheel after Tim turns on his drill]
Al: Of course, you always want to check the chuck before you turn it on.
Tim: Let's just chuck the chuck, OK?

Tim: Move on to a more powerful method - the Binford 6100 series orbital sander. Oh! It's great for the large areas - the back of the chair, the bottom of the chair, or the bottom of Al.
Al: All right. Another method of rust removal would be to dissolve it with naval jelly.
Tim: I don't know. You got jelly coming out of your navel, you got bigger problems than a rusty chair.

Jill: Guess what? My sister Carrie is coming to visit.
All: Oh, no.
Jill: Come on. Carrie's fun. She always brings you nice gifts from someplace exotic.
Brad: Oh, yeah. Last year she brought us knee-socks and lederhosen.
Mark: Hey! I liked the lederhosen.
Randy: Now all you need is some pantyhosen.

Nancy: So your sister is a freelance photographer?
Jill: Yeah, she travels all over the world. She knows how to tell people to "say cheese" in 32 languages.
Nancy: She sounds like a real cheese whiz. [babies fuss]
Jill: Oh, we'll be right back. She is amazing. You know, this job that she has just fell right into her lap. She's one of those people who's always in the right place at the right time. If she were to lose her balance stepping off a curb, Robert Redford would be there to help her. That actually happened. Really.
Nancy: So are you and your sister close?
Jill: Yeah. We get along really well. Sometimes. Sort of. Not really. She just drives me crazy.

Carrie: Say cheese.
Brad: Cheese.
Carrie: Oh, perfect. You know, I brought those to you all the way from Thailand. You put them on your fingers and you do the traditional Thai dance - the Fon Leb.
Randy: Well, we are a Fon Leb-bing bunch of guys.

Carrie: Hey, Mark, come on! Let's see what you look like in your present.
Mark: [wearing a kimono] I really don't know about this.
Randy: We do.
Carrie: Oh, it looks darling on you, sweetheart.
Brad: If I were you, I'd go change, sweetheart.
Jill: Oh, cute robe, Mark.
Mark: Yeah, right.

Jill: So did the boys like their presents?
Carrie: Oh, yeah, they love them. I hope Tim likes his kimono.
Jill: Well, I guarantee he'll like it as much as that kilt you gave him last year.

Jill: Do you have to photograph me folding socks?
Carrie: Jill, I'm a photographer. I love taking pictures of people in their element.
Jill: Folding socks is my element?
Carrie: No. I mean you're taking care of your family. That's terrific. In fact, I'm thinking maybe one day I'd like a family to take care of.
Jill: Really? I've never heard you talk like that before.
Carrie: Yeah, well, that's one of the reasons I came to visit. I wanted to take a close-up look at marriage, see what it's like, day in, day out, make sure it's not too mundane for me.
Jill: Oh. So this is like you're visiting a museum and I'm the boring-sister exhibit.
Carrie: Oh, no. I just wanna see how you put up with your life.
Jill: Well, I don't put up with my life. I like my life.
Carrie: Of course you do.