Tim: This thing is like cherry. It's all tweaked out. It's in perfect shape.
Al: Well, I put a lot of work into her, Tim. You know, I chromeplated the valve covers.
Tim: You did?
Al: I plasma-coated the block and intake manifold.
Tim: I didn't know you were that interested in cars.
Al: Well, Tim, you never asked.
Tim: I'm impressed. Not a lot of guys would take the time or the money to tweak out an '84 Mercury Marquis wagon.
Al: My mother thought it was a nice, safe car.
Tim: And roomy. It'll come in handy if you ever get married... or get a date.

Tim: It's better than that, man. You moved into a new phase of your life.
Brad: I have?
Tim: Yeah. You just cut metal with fire. We gotta celebrate.
Brad: Celebrate?
Tim: Yeah... [chants]
Brad: Come on, Dad, please.
Tim: Wait, wait, wait, we can't forget the ritual anointing of the man-child. Holy oil, holy... 10W40, all-weather.
Brad: Come on, Dad. What are you doing?
Tim: Come on. It's part of the ritual. You're getting off easy. [chants] You should have heard what Wilson wanted me to do to you.

Mark: Hey, Mom, did you get the notebooks?
Jill: Oh, yeah. Well, they didn't have any Terminator left. But they did have these two blank ones and this one. [Brad and Mark each grab a notebook]
Randy: Mom, this one has a puppy and a rainbow on it.
Jill: It was either that or a ballerina and a pussycat.
Randy: Why don't you just pin a note to my back that says, "Kick me and take my lunch money"? I can't take this to school.
Jill: Yes, you can. You can be creative. You can... you can... draw a tank here at the end of the rainbow and, like, some fighter planes dropping bombs on the little puppy.

Jill: First you sneak out while you are grounded, now you're breaking windows. What is going on?
Brad: I wasn't trying to break them.
Tim: What, did you miss science class or something? You throw a brick at a window, you expect it to stick?
Brad: I was trying to throw it over the greenhouse.
Tim: Oh... he was throwing it over. Well, that's great.

Al: And this weekend Tim and I will be participating in the Highland Games to promote Project Literacy.
Angus: And what a time we'll have. There'll be jumping, drumming, sheepdog demonstrations, and the caber toss.
Tim: [Scottish accent] The caber toss?
Angus: Aye! It's part of the Scottish track and field. Ya grab a big log, ya hold it like this, ya get a running start, and throw it end over end, so that it lands in a straight line.
Tim: Another fine sport from the people who brought you golf.
Angus: It takes a lot of skill and strength to toss a caber.
Tim: All right, Agnes, I'm sure it does. You just take a stick and toss it.
Al: I bet our viewers would love to see you toss one.
Tim: Al, let's not get...
Angus: Come on, laddie.
Tim: OK, OK, OK, OK... I accept the challenge. Why not? I work with Al. I feel like I've been carrying deadwood for years. See you next time on Tool Time, laddies.

Jill: Thanks for making me look bad.
Tim: What?
Jill: "Your mother and I need to talk." That means, "My pal, the greatest dad on Earth, wants me to go to the truck rally, but Ilsa, the wicked she-mother, doesn't." You do this to me all the time.
Tim: Oh, come on, Ilsa.

Tim: Brad has been really looking forward to this. Fordzilla is coming out of retirement.
Jill: Oh, so it's a sentimental thing?
Tim: Exactly.
Jill: Tim, come on. Our son took a dissected frog and placed it on a lettuce leaf. [Tim laughs] It's not funny. This is serious. The principal ate it.
Tim: Well, it's a step up from those fish sticks. [Jill laughs] Come on, it's a prank. He pulled a prank. You did this kind of stuff.
Jill: I most certainly did not.
Tim: Who was it that put the rice pudding in Helen Weiss's training bra?
Jill: They never proved that was me.

Tim: You get my point. We pulled pranks. This is a prank. How tough can we be on him?
Jill: OK, look, here's the deal. He goes to the truck rally.
Tim: Mm-hmm.
Jill: But he has to apologize to Mrs. Blackburn, and he's still grounded for the rest of the weekend.
Tim: Very good, very good. I'll tell him he's treading on thin ice with me anyway and it's very inappropriate behavior to put dissected frog parts on lettuce, unless you have tartare sauce.
Jill: Or a lemon wedge.
Tim: Perfect.

Tim: What's the problem?
Officer Kerry: Sir. Your son was with some older boys, throwing bricks at a greenhouse. They got away, but he was the only one we could catch.
Jill: Was there anybody hurt?
Officer Kerry: Oh, no. The place has been abandoned for quite some time, so I really don't think anyone will be pressing any charges.
Randy: Are you gonna cuff him?
Mark: Is Brad going to jail?
Tim: Upstairs!
Jill: It's bedtime, now!

Brad: I'm going to the truck rally.
Tim: You're going to bed.
Brad: You can't tell me what to do.
Tim: Yes, I can tell you what to do. That's my job. Now, go on upstairs. And you can forget about those Fordzilla tickets. I'm giving them to somebody else.
Mark: [pops up] Can I bring Billy?
Randy: Aw, shut up!