Tim: I came up here to talk about what's going on.
Randy: Nothing's going on.
Tim: Randy, something's going on, and I'm pretty sure it's my fault.
Randy: What do you mean?
Tim: Well, this ancient Chinese ice-cream salesman, Young Zoo, found that frozen frogs and wet insects couldn't talk 'cause they were cold to one another.
Randy: Sure thing, Dad.

Tim: What I'm trying to say is... if it seems like I spend more time with Brad than you, it's because we share similar interests. And I wish I was interested in the same things you are, but... Just because I'm not doesn't mean I love you any less. Do you understand that?
Randy: Yeah, I guess.
Tim: You know, of all the boys, I figure you and I are the most alike.
Randy: Oh, come on, Dad. I mean, you and Brad are the most alike.
Tim: No, no. We share similar interests, but you and I have similar personalities. If a guy's walking down the street with his fly down, if I can't come up with a joke, I know you'll back me up.
Randy: Well, you gotta make the fly joke.
Tim: That's right. You gotta make the fly joke. Hey, pal, you know your fly's down?
Randy: It's cheaper than air conditioning.
Tim: Zoom!
Randy: Hey, buddy. You know your fly's down?
Tim: No, but I know "Fly Me To The Moon."

Randy: Don't you ever get sick of watching yourself on Tool Time?
Brad: Sh. Are you kidding me? Every time I watch that videotape, I always find something else I like about me.
Randy: You know, it's true what they say. You're better on tape than you are in person.
Brad: Well... Do you really think I stunk?
Randy: Nah, I thought you did a jerrific tob.
Brad: Thanks. Hey, you wanna go play some Zombie Sneak Attack?
Randy: Uh, can't do it. Dad made a few adjustments. Zombies won't be coming back from the dead anymore.

Tim: I wish I had a caterpillar to tell me what to do about Randy. He's upset because he thinks I favor Brad.
Wilson: Well, do you feel that's true?
Tim: No. I do things with both of the guys, you know. Brad and I like to go to sporting events, work on the hot rod, build stuff with my tools. Randy and I joke. I make jokes, he makes jokes, we make jokes. The jokes go back and forth. He jokes, I joke. There's a lot of jokes going on.
Wilson: Sounds like you share your jocularity.
Tim: No, he couldn't fit into mine.

Al: All right. Our next gadget here on Gadget Corner is a car safety device known as the Snooze No More.
Tim: That's right. Stick this little bad boy in your ear like this, adjust it for your level, and when you're driving you won't go to sleep. [gadget beeps as Tim's head drops] It's also good when Aunt Agnes stops by to talk about her kidney stone operation. Uh-huh.Was it painful? [gadget beeps] Did you save any of the stones? [gadget beeps]
Al: All right. Next up on...
Tim: When you get the videotape of that, we can watch the operation backwards. They put it back in. [gadget beeps]
Al: All right, I'm sure you'll like our next gadget [gadget beeps], the...
[When the gadget emits a continuous beep, Tim removes it from his ear and starts banging it. It falls silent when Al takes it off Tim's hands and switches it off.]
Al: All right. Our next gadget here on... [beeps in Al's pocket] on Gadget Corner... [Al throws it on the ground]

Tim: All right. Now, let's say your boots are sopping wet from a rainstorm at the job site. You come home, what are you going to do?
Al: You go straight to Binford's electric boot dryer.
Tim: Let's show how it works. Heidi, wet boots, please. These boots have been sitting in this scalding hot brine solution for over two days. Whoo! These babies are wet.
Al: Tim. Where'd you get those boots?
Tim: Out of your locker.
Al: Those are my dress work boots.
Tim: Yeah, a word to the wise, Al. Always lock your locker on Gadget Day. But don't worry, in one minute, they'll be dry as a bone.
Al: I don't think so. Binford's electric boot dryer takes overnight to work.
Tim: That's before I gave it a 5000 watt boost. Watch this.
Al: My boots are smoking!
Tim: That's probably because they're on fire. Put them in the water, quick!
Al: Oh, well, now they're all wet a... Ah, jeez.
Tim: Now it's time to use the boot dryer again. This could be a very long show at this rate.

Jill: Not only did I get an A, I got the highest grade in the class. Everybody really is mad at me because I wrecked the curve. I love school.
Tim: I'm very proud of you. Your first A. I'm still waiting for mine.

Brad: [answers phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Al. Yeah, he's right here. [to Tim] Don't tie up the line, I'm waiting for a call.
Tim: I own the line.

Tim: Okay, first thing is Heidi introduces us, then we tell 'em it's Craft Week, then we begin the project.
Brad: But the best part is I get to use the scroll saw all by myself.
Tim: No, no, no, no. Best part is, I get to work side by side with my eldest boy. Tool Dad, Tool Son. [both grunt]

Randy: Hey, quit playing with my basketball.
Mark: Why? You're not.
Randy: Well, I am now.
Mark: So, did you hear Brad's gonna be on Tool Time?
Randy: Yeah, they're doing a salute to doofuses. Who'd want to be on that stupid show anyway?
Mark: Well, I would.
Randy: Forget about it. The only one who'll ever get to be on that show is Brad. Dad picks him to do everything.
Mark: Dad does a lot of things with me, too.
Randy: Oh, shut up.
Mark: I don't know. I think Dad will let me be on Tool Time someday.
Randy: Yeah, well, don't hold your breath. On second thought, hold your breath.