Al: You don't want to miss the beginning of Waiting For Godot. It's a very intricate play. I played Pozzo in high school.
Tim: Really? Junior or senior varsity?
Al: Pozzo is a character in the play. And if I do say so myself, I was the definitive Pozzo. I made him come alive.
Tim: Yeah, right, Al. You can barely make yourself come alive.

Ilene: I can't understand Al doing something like this. How could he stoop to Tim's level? [Jill looks at her] Sorry.
Jill: Ah, it's OK. Sometimes I wonder how Tim can stoop to Tim's level.
Woman: Shh!
Jill: I don't know why I'm surprised. I mean, I knew the minute I told him we were going to the theatre, he'd find a way out of it. I can't believe Al went with him.
Ilene: I know. He's always loved the theatre. He cried when we went to see A Streetcar Named Desire.
Jill: Well, Tim cried, but that was because there was no streetcar.

Al: Tim! Oh, did you get through to them? What did they say? Did you explain? Did you get through to the theatre?
Tim: Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Line was busy. You know, what they should have is "call waiting for Godot."

Al: Ah... Ah... Oh...
Tim: What are you doing? It sounds like you're going into labor.
Al: I can't breathe in here. The criminals are taking up all the oxygen. I can't believe you got me into this. My reputation is tarnished. I'm gonna be ostracized at bingo. Oh, yes! The senior citizens will not want to sit next to an ex-con.
Tim: You're probably right. "Margaret, I got bingo. But we ought to get outta here. Look, next to us, it's Baby Face Borland!"

Wilson: You know, if you boys are sneaking over to your party, I'd take a coat. It's awfully chilly out.
Randy: How'd you know we were sneaking out?
Wilson: Well, Randy, I've long been a student of the eastern philosophy of the Sufis, and their teachings have enabled me to obtain a heightened awareness. Plus, I saw you out of the corner of my eye.
Brad: Could you just pretend you didn't see us?
Wilson: I'm afraid not. Your mother gave me very strict instructions. And five bucks an hour.
Brad: Man, why couldn't Mom just let us go to the party? I mean, she's totally screwing up our lives.
Wilson: Well, you boys have to realize that parents make rules to protect you, not to keep you from having a funky good time.
Randy: I think they do it just to torture us.
Wilson: No, no, no, Randy. They do it for a very good reason. They want to instill discipline and responsibility so you can be a fine, upstanding citizen like they are. [phone rings]
Randy: I got it. [answers phone] Hello? Yeah, one sec. It's Mr. Upstanding Citizen. He's in the slammer.

Ilene: I can't believe they went to the game. I just can't enjoy the play without Al here.
Jill: I bet Tim's enjoying the game without me there. He won't have a good time when I'm through with him.
Usher: Excuse me, Ms. Taylor? You're gonna have to go to jail.
Jill: What? For talking?
Ilene: Is this a new theatre policy?
Usher: No, a man named Wilson called. He said your husband and a Mr. Borland have been arrested.
Ilene: Oh, my God! Al's in prison?
Jill: What did they do?
Usher: I'll tell you in the lobby. We don't want to upset Pozzo again.

Al: Not bad. 38 seconds.
Robby Gordon: In that amount of time, we could have changed 23 tires and a baby.
Al: I love that movie.
Tim: I wasn't going for speed. I was going for quality. 'Cause in racing, you don't want a loose tire to be a weak link. [the tire falls off]
Al: Or, in this case, the missing link.

Tim: You notice we tighten our lugs in a star-shaped pattern.
Al: We? I seem to be doing all the work, Tim.
Tim: That's because I'm the star, you're the lug, that's the pattern.
Al: All right, once we're finished here, we put on the center cap, lower the jack, and hit the road.
Tim: Hence the term, "Hit the road, Jack."

Tim: How long does that take you? Eight minutes?
Al: Actually, four, but I'm very fast. I've been changing tires all my life.
Tim: Really? Your whole life?
Al: Yes, my whole life. As a matter of fact, I started out with my little red wagon. Then I had the tricycle. Then Big Blue, my first two-wheeler.
Tim: You keep these tire stories going, I'm going to have to retire.

Tim: Uh, you must... What'd that take? 15 seconds?
Robby Gordon: Actually, 14.1. But who's counting, anyway?
Tim: Sounds like you are. I've seen you racing this thing around the Michigan 500. Boy, keeping it off those walls. How do you stay focused?
Robby Gordon: I just remember a little saying: "Avoid distraction or end up in traction."
Al: That'd be a good motto for you, Tim.
Tim: Yeah. Well, I have a little motto for you, Al: "When I'm annoyed, you're unemployed."