Tim: Just relax. No one's going to know you're here. It's a holding cell in Detroit. Who's gonna see you here?
George: Hey, aren't you those guys from that TV tool show?
Tim: Yes, I'm Bob Vila, this is Norm. We're back together again.
George: No. You're Tim and Al! [laughs] I used to watch you guys at Jackson State Prison. You got a lot of fans up there. [they laugh]
Tim: Hey! Hey, that's great! Lot of fans up there. We got the 18 to life demographic.

Mark: Thank you for helping me with my school project, Wilson.
Tim: It's my pleasure, Mark.
Mark: You know, I've always been fascinated with papier-mache. You know, the name is French, but actually it was invented by the Chinese.
Mark: How do you know all this stuff?
Wilson: Mark, I have a tremendous amount of spare time.

Tim: You're gonna have a lot more fun tonight than we are.
Officer Keegan: That could be. No, no, no, wait. I got one more thing I gotta show you.
Tim: We gotta go, buddy. We're late.
Al: You have a badge? Did you also play Officer Krupke in West Side Story?
Tim: No, this is Officer Keegan. Precinct 29, Detroit Police Department.
Officer Keegan: That's right. You're under arrest for scalping tickets.
Tim: What?
Officer Keegan: Yeah. Come on, let's go.
Al: I can't believe this! I open up to you by showing you my Pozzo, and you're taking us to jail?
Officer Keegan: Well, first of all, you're not a very good Pozzo. Besides that, scalping is against the law. So come on, let's go.
Al: This is all your fault, Tim.
Tim: Well, I probably could have talked him out of it, if you hadn't pulled your Pozzo out in the parking lot.

Jill: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, theatergoers. Ready for an evening of thespian watching?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: There's thespians in this play? Hey, maybe it won't be that bad after all.
Jill: Tim, a thespian is an actor.
Tim: [grunts] Aw, that was my last hope.

Tim: Al! I got a guy over here. Come on, come on. Perfect;
Al: Great! We can still make it to Waiting For Godot on time.
Officer Keegan: Waiting For Godot? I was in that play in high school.
Al: So was l.
Officer Keegan: I played Vladimir.
Al: I was Pozzo.
Officer Keegan: "It's a scandal."
Al: "Are you alluding to anything in particular?"
Officer Keegan: "To treat a man like that. I think that... No! A human being! No, it's a scandal!"
Al: "You are severe!" [laughs]
Tim: I am bored, and I am wet. I'd like to see the money.

Jill: You might as well stop turning around. They're not coming, they went to the hockey game.
Ilene: No. Al will be here, he loves this play. In high school, he played the definitive Pozzo.
Jill: Well, now he's at the hockey game with the definitive bozo.

Jill: OK, I'm here. Not that you care, now that you have your new hot rod to play with.
Tim: Are you jealous of this car already?
Jill: No. I'm happy to see you lust after something older and uglier than I am.

Tim: I've been out here a lot lately, haven't I? Tell you what. Saturday night, a night out. Intimate night. You and me. Dining. Dancing. Hockey.
Jill: As, um, romantic as hockey is... I think you've forgotten that we already have plans to go to the theatre with Al and Ilene Saturday night.
Tim: We do?
Jill: We've had tickets for months.
Tim: Can't we sell your tickets?
Jill: First of all, I don't want to, and second of all, hockey tickets are a lot easier to get rid of than theatre tickets.
Tim: Doesn't that tell you something?

Tim: [on the phone] Augie, I can't believe you don't want to buy these tickets. You'd pass up a hockey game like this to go to your uncle's funeral? Yeah. He's not gonna know you're not there. What about your aunt?
Does she like hockey? Augie? Augie? [hangs up]
Jill: So I'm guessing no luck.
Tim: No luck. Everybody's got a lot of good reasons not to go. A wedding, a funeral. Open heart surgery.
Jill: Guess you'll have to forget about these hockey tickets.
Tim: Wait a minute. Joe Louis Arena is only five minutes from this little theatre. You and Ilene can drop Al and me off, we'll sell the tickets, and meet you there.
Jill: Oh, forget it! The minute you get near there, you'll go to the game.
Tim: I promise. I'll be back in the seat next to you fast asleep before the curtain goes up.
Jill: That's all I ask.

Jill: Wilson, thanks for watching the kids. Help yourself to something to drink, and there's pizza is on the way.
Wilson: Great. I brought these over for the boys for an after-dinner treat. This is the Colombian equivalent of popcorn.
Tim: May I?
Wilson: Mm-hm.
Tim: Crunchy little... [eats] It's good. What is it?
Wilson: It's roasted ants.
Tim: Needs butter.