Heidi: I got the expense report. You might wanna look at this before it goes to the boss.
Tim: Why do I want to look at it?
Heidi: Well, check out page two, under the heading, "Things Tim Broke."
Tim: Porta-Potti, 500 bucks. Mm, not bad. Plate-glass window, 275. Fuse and circuit breakers, 150 bucks? Look, do me a big favor. You know that Binford paper shredder?
Heidi: Mm-hmm.
Tim: Why don't you be a good friend and run this through that?
Heidi: Well, I can't. You broke it. 800 bucks.
Tim: Well, why don't you help me out here and find something that I haven't broken and hide it in there.

Tim: Um... It's hard to say how much thanks we have from everybody at Tool Time, which, of course, is a... a... a show that is a metaphor for how we live our lives in the '90s. I want to thank... everybody from Binford Tools. I want to thank Heidi, of course. My crew, if they can hear me out at the bar! My three boys for inspiration. And who am I missing? Um...
Jill: Your wife.
Tim: My wife. I'm sorry. And most of all, this man next to me, Al Borland, whose professionalism and class and dignity has been an inspiration to many of us.
Al: [in a mouse costume] Thank you, Tim. I, uh... Well, I just want to say that... that this proves that dreams really can come true. When I started out in this business... well, l... I lived in a hole in the wall. But... Well, I want to say did I give up? Did I run away with my tail between my legs? No! No! I went on...
Tim: And on, and on, and on. From both of us, thanks very much. And good night.

Jill: Where's Brad?
Tim: Oh. He's out raking the yard. Then I'm gonna have him clean the attic.
Jill: You think he's actually gonna learn anything from all of this?
Tim: When you did something wrong and your parents punished you, did you learn?
Jill: No. Except to try harder not to get caught.
Tim: Yeah. Same with me. This is the point in my life my mother was waiting for. [feminine voice] One day I hope you have a little boy just like you!
Jill: My mom said the exact same thing. I can't believe it's actually come true.
Tim: So what do we do?
Jill: I guess we just keep trying to be the best parents we can be, have a little faith... hope that someday he has a kid just like him.

Brad: You're not gonna tell my parents, are you, Wilson?
Wilson: Oh, Brad, Brad, Brad. You put me in such a quandary. On the one hand, is it a neighbor's place to get his friend's son in trouble? On the other hand, I'm reminded of the Roman Quintus Horatius Flaccus, who said: "For it is your business if your neighbor's wall catches fire."
Brad: Yeah, but what about the words of a great American, Mister Rogers? He said: "Won't you be my neighbor?"
Wilson: Hm. Hm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, hm-hm.

Brad: [phone rings] Hey! Everybody, quiet! Parents alert! [answers phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Mom. Yeah, everything's fine.
Paige: Jason! Stop tickling me!
Brad: [on the phone] No, Mom. That was me. I don't know. Jason's a tickler. Yeah, everything's fine. Have a great time and don't worry about us. All right. Bye. [hangs up]
Bridget: Your parents aren't coming home early?
Brad: No, no. My mom was just calling and asking about my little brother's pus.
Bridget: My Little Brother's Pus. I love that band.

Irma: So, who's looking forward to tonight's Cable Awards?
Tim: Well, since you win everything every year, I'm guessing you.
Irma: [chuckles] I do expect a statue or two for my special "21 Things You Can Do With A Squash."
Tim: I can think of one more.
Irma: Oh, Tim. You're such a little scallion. Well, I'll see you tonight, boys. Bye-bye.
Al: Bye.
Tim: Sometimes that woman really steams my rutabagas.

Tim: There's no point in going to the awards show. The judges just don't go for family tool shows. They go for those highbrow, urban, cappuccino/radicchio shows.
Al: May I remind you that we've done some excellent episodes? Pick any show from "Stucco Week."
Tim: That's powerful television.
Al: That's right. And who wasn't moved by our "Salute to Toilets"?
Tim: We had the audience sitting on the edge of their seats.
Al: Yeah. We deserve to be there.
Tim: That's right. We do. Because we do quality television.
Al: That's right.
Tim: I mean, how many shows teach people how to use stuff like this? [knocks a stage light down]

Jason: Hi. I'm Jason.
Jill: Nice to meet you, Jason.
Jason: Nice to meet you.
Tim: How you doin'?
Jason: Tool Time is my favorite show.
Tim: Yeah, right. Brad tells me kids your age don't watch it.
Jason: Yeah, well, I'm a year older than Brad, sir. I know that Tool Time isn't just about tools. It's a metaphor for how we live in the '90s.
Tim: It is... it is... Yes. Yeah, it is. I like this kid.

Brad: I don't want to ruin my whole night baby-sitting Mark.
Tim: Come on, Brad. Don't be selfish. Help me out here.
Jason: Brad, it's no big deal. We can hang out here and watch TV. Hey, Mr. Taylor, are the Cable Awards being televised?
Tim: Absolutely. Channel 87 are pre-empting all their programming.
Jill: Which consists of an infomercial and test pattern.
Jason: You are funny! I bet you could have your own show, too.
Jill: I bet you could run for office.
Tim: It might not be a bad thing to have a tool man in the White House. Maybe fix what's wrong with this country. Stick with it, young man.

Brad: Great. Why'd you tell them we'd stay here alone?
Jason: Brad, let me do the math for you. No parents, plus you and Senator Jason... equals party!
Brad: My parents would kill me if they found out I had a party.
Jason: Brad, I know you're just a measly freshman, but stick with me and you'll be a measly freshman who threw one great party. And wait till you meet my friends, Page and Bridgett. Hello!
Brad: You're starting to make a lot of sense, Senator.