Mark: My ear hurts. I think I have pus.
Jason: You're fine.
Mark: How would you know?
Jason: I'm a doctor.
Mark: You're in high school.
Jason: I see patients during recess.

Tim: What is it - Mark?
Jill: No, Mark's fine. I'm just worried about what else may be going on at the house.
Tim: What else is going on there?
Jill: Well... There was a lot of noise. And Jason was tickling Brad. Maybe we should go home.
Tim: If Jason's tickling Brad, I don't want to go home.
Jill: I just don't like that Jason. He's just too smooth.
Tim: He's a good kid. If it weren't for him, Brad wouldn't be glued to the TV right now. [to the camera] Hey, Brad! Hey. Brad! How are you doing?

Announcer: And now the award for the best show. The nominees are Knitting with Norm for his special on Japanese sweaters: "Tora! Tora! It's Angora!" Cooking with Irma for her Christmas special, "Home for the Hollandaise."
Tim: I can't take any more of this. Let's just go. Come on.
Announcer: And Tool Time for their salute to engines, "I Shoulda Had a V-8." And the winner is... Tool Time!
Jill: Tool Time!
Tim: We won! Al, get out of the bathroom! We won Best Show!
Al: [wearing a mouse costume] It's about time someone took us seriously. Ilene! We won!
Irma: [dressed as cheese] Oh, you did? Congratulations... Oh!
Tim: Come on, Fur Ball. Let's go get our award.
Al: I can't go up there looking like this!
Tim: What are you - a man or a mouse? Come on, buddy!
Al: [to Irma] Well, I guess you feel pretty silly right about now.

Boy: Hey, Brad. Who's the guy with the pumpkin on his head? [Wilson waves]
Brad: A guy who can get me in a lot of trouble if he tells my parents. I'll be back. [goes outside] Hey, Wilson. How's it going?
Randy: [thrown across the lawn] I'm gonna get you for this, Brad.
Brad: [to Wilson] I thought you went to a Halloween party.
Wilson: Well, actually, I got back about a half an hour ago. Seems you're having quite a party over there.
Brad: Actually, it's not a party. I just had a few friends over.
Wilson: Hmm. Last time I counted, it was 37. [a boy a girl get up from the ground] Ah! 39.
Brad: You saw the whole thing?
Wilson: Actually, Brad, I heard it. And I must admit the melodic appeal of Bloated Jellyfish escapes me. You see, I find them quite derivative of My Little Brother's Pus.

Jill: All right. Let's go back to the beginning. Was this Jason's or your idea?
Tim: It couldn't have been Jason's. He's a Tool Time fan, and they know the difference between right and wrong.
Jill: Have you not figured out yet that that kid was conning you the whole time?
Tim: Tool Time fans don't con.
Jill: He's not a Tool Time fan!

Jason: Mr. Taylor! Hi. Page and I are just in here looking for the... vacuum. Is this where you keep it?
Tim: Get out here, Jason. I want the truth and I want it right now. One chance to come clean. Are you or are you not a Tool Time fan?
Jason: I've never seen the show in my life.
Tim: [imitates Tin Man] Now I know I have a heart because it's broken.

Al: "And here we have the complete line of Binford pruners... the complete line of Binford power pruners..."
Tim: What are you doing?
Al: I'm rehearsing. "The complete line of Binford's..." It's in the script. Look.
Tim: Yeah, OK. [cuts up the script with a pruner] Are we demonstrating the extended version?
Al: We are not! If you'd read the script, you would know that.
Tim: How am I supposed to I read the script? It's in pieces.

Mark: Why can't I go trick-or-treating tonight?
Jill: 'Cause you have a fever and an ear infection.
Mark: But how am I gonna get any candy?
Jill: Well, when Randy goes out, he can just ask for extra candy for his sick brother.
Randy: Mom... I try that every year. It never works.
Jill: I'll give you a note.
Randy: Oh, won't I be cool?

Announcer: And the winner for Best Achievement in Sound is... No surprise here. Cooking with Irma!
Tim: How on Earth does she win for "Sound"? What kind of sound does a baked chicken make?
Jill: [clucking] [choking]
Irma: Thank you, thank you, thank you. This award makes 13. Or, as we like to say in my business, a baker's dozen. [laughs]
Tim: I'll tell you, that woman really just ticks me... [to Irma] Congratulations!

Ilene: You know, Tim, you have to admit her shows are good. She did that fabulous series on desserts.
Jill: Did you see the two-parter on the chiffon cake with raspberry sauce?
Irma: Yes! Weren't you dying?
Tim: [taps glass] Excuse me. Got a minute?
Irma: Sorry, Tim.
Tim: What table are we sitting at? The "I love Irma" table is right over there.
Heidi: Sorry, Tim.