Tim Quote #1908
Tim: Now, we finished our frame and we're gonna attach it to the headboard.
Al: And to form our design, we'll be using the Binford 6100 bender.
Tim: Al, do you suppose you call this a bender because it's been partying all weekend? Party! Ow! Ow!
Al: I don't think so, Tim. The bender allows us to form our headboard into any manly pattern that we choose.
Tim: A moose, a beer mug, jockstrap. A moose holding a beer mug, wearing a jockstrap.
Al: We've chosen...
Tim: Doesn't matter what we've chosen. Let's face it, men - no matter what design we put on the bed, once your wife gets a hold of it, it will look like this... Men, it's time we fight back. We've got to de-frill, de-lace, de-froufrou de bedroom.
Al: That's why, next time on Tool Time, we'll show you how a man designs his sleeping quarters and why it's called...
Both: The master bedroom.
Quote from Wilson
Wilson: Well, maybe you can remind Brad of the famous Hindustan proverb: "True nobility lies not in being superior to another man, but in being superior to one's previous self."
Tim: Ooh, yeah!
Jill: That is so perfect.
Tim: Like it. Where do you keep coming up with these things?
Wilson: Oh, neighbor, neighbor. I've spent my entire life studying the wisdom of intelligent thinkers and philosophers. However, this one I read in a fortune cookie.
Quote from Tim
Tim: Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to the Binford 6100 man's bedroom. [fanfare] Yeah, this is no babe's boudoir.
Al: No honey's hideaway.
Tim: No wench's way station. Men, you've had lace in your face for far too long. Now it's time to come home... [knocks] to chrome.
Al: That's why we built the Man's Bedroom. So he feels as comfortable here as he does in his neighborhood bar.
Tim: As a matter of fact, in the Man's Bedroom, we have the neighborhood bar. Well, Milton, how's business?
Milton: Slow. What will it be?
Tim: Oh, a perfect Manhattan for me and a Shirley Temple for Al.
Quote from At Sea
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.