Marty: That went well.
Harry: Man, Delores rags on me, but it's in the privacy of a bowling alley.

Tim: Well, hey, at least this is on late in the afternoon. Who's gonna watch this stupid thing anyway? Eight people watch this damn thing.
Marty: Yeah.
Sparky: [enters] Tim.
Tim: What is it?
Sparky: I saw what Jill said about you on the TV.
Tim: Where?
Sparky: Well, the guys in the gym felt your pain. I mean, a lot of them tried to cover up by laughing.
Tim: Were you one of them, Sparky?
Sparky: I'd rather not say. [stifles a laugh]

Jill: So I heard that you never made it home to watch the show.
Tim: No, I didn't make it home to watch the show.
Jill: Well, that's OK. It was really not interesting.
Tim: You don't think?
Jill: No.
Tim: I was able to catch it at the hardware store in front of all my friends.
Jill: How are they doing? You know, I really have been missing... Benny.
Tim: Benny's really great. He's really been... He's been laughing a lot lately. As a matter of fact, they've all been laughing a lot. They thought your performance was really funny.

Jill: Tim, before you start overreacting, I think you should remember some of the things you've said on Tool Time about women. Such as women aren't decisive, uh, my wife this... [mimics nagging], my wife that... [mimics nagging]
Tim: I am paid to be a character on Tool Time.
Jill: And your character just happens to be married to a character named Jill?
Tim: Jill's a very common name.
Jill: And the Jill that you said drools in her sleep and the Jill that you said had bad morning breath was this Jill.
Tim: Those are the only two times I've mentioned your name specifically. You went on TV and said I was suffering a mid-life crisis, told everybody that, that it was stupid to want another child. You called me fragile.
Jill: Well, I was just trying to get a psychological perspective on men in general. I didn't mean you.
Tim: Funny thing. The only one you mentioned was me.
Jill: Well, no, I wasn't talking about you specifically. I was referring to the global you.
Tim: Oh, yeah. The global me. Yeah. Well, now the global me is walking around without any globes.

Jill: Oh, oh, oh, oh Wilson, is that you?
Wilson: Oh! I am so sorry, neighborette. Good thing I wasn't juggling chain saws.
Jill: Yeah. I didn't know you juggled.
Wilson: Oh, yes, indeedy. I'm a little bit rusty. But in my younger days... I worked in the circus. As a matter of fact, I roomed with a two-headed man.
Jill: Did you split the utilities three ways?
Wilson: No, no, no, five ways. We also lived with Nicky The Lobster Boy and Margo The Human Corkscrew.
Tim: I'm rooming with Tim The Ticked-Off Tool Man.

Tim: What's all this?
Jill: I know I shouldn't have said what I did, so I cooked your favorite meal as a sort of peace offering.
Tim: Hm. Bratwurst, knackwurst.
Jill: And as an appetizer, liverwurst. I guess you could say this is my "wurst" meal.
Tim: I say that about all your meals.
Jill: Yeah, I know.

Jill: It did make me appreciate what you have to go through every day.
Tim: What? Being married to you?
Jill: No, being in front of the camera, putting it out there in front of everybody. I mean, how do you get over being nervous?
Tim: There's a little thing I do to relax. I... I make fun of women.

Tim: It's spring again, the time when a young mars fancy turns to...
All: Cheese!
Al: That's right. And check out Saginaw's new line of spring cheeses.
Sparky: When it's springtime, it's string time.
Tim: Sparky, pull me off a little bit of that string cheese.
Tim: Saginaw Cheese.
All: Cheese, it's good!

Jill: Oh, thank God. I can't wait.
Randy: Mom, I've never seen you this excited about a car before.
Jill: I'm excited because it's finally finished.
Mark: Yeah, we can get our lives back.
Randy: If I were you, I'd go with a whole new one.

Al: OK, on the count of three, we're going to reveal Tim's totally tricked-out '46 Ford convertible! Everybody...
Audience: One! Two! Three!
Al: Yeah! All right!
Sparky: Hey, Tim, there's no upholstery, nothing. You were supposed to finish this. What happened?
Tim: Well, after we changed the color of the top, I had to take the upholstery out because the seats didn't match, neither did the side panels. The maroon didn't match the rim of the car, so I'm gonna repaint that, too.
Al: That's gonna take, like, three months.
Tim: Oh, yeah.
Jill, Randy & Mark: [watching on TV] Oh, no.