Tim: [on the phone] Sparky asked me to call. We're looking for a fabric for a new convertible top. Well, is Big Jim there? How about Spanish Bob? One-Eyed Ned?
Randy: It sounds like he's calling a pirate ship.
Jill: [enters] Hi, guys. You'll never guess what happened today.
Brad: You bought me a Ferrari.
Jill: Even better. I was asked to be on that talk show, Talk to Me. Tim. I'm gonna be on television.
Tim: Not now. I'm talking to One-Eyed Ned. He's got a bum ear. No, no, no! I have no gum in my rear!
Look, when Big Jim comes, just have him call me. Thanks. [hangs up] [shouts] Now, what do you wanna...? [normal voice] What would you like to watch on television?

Tim: Come on. Tell us all the details.
Brad: Yeah. How much are they paying you?
Jill: I'm not doing this for money. This is an honor. I'm gonna be on a panel with two very distinguished women. One of them's an economist. The other one's a doctor.
Randy: Wow. You really balance out the group. Part-time student with no income.

Jill: Well, actually, the chairman of the psychology department recommended me. They wanted somebody who successfully raised a family and is about to re-enter the work force.
Tim: That is great. What do you think, guys?
Brad: Yeah, it's cool. When's the show?
Jill: Four o'clock tomorrow.
Tim: Oh, too bad. I gotta go with Sparky to check out some car colors. It's very important. [off Jill's look] Well, what am I thinking? Certainly not as important as watching my wife on a show talking about women's issues.

Al: You thought of a toasted marshmallow?
Tim: Not as often as you have, Al.

Jill: It's very interesting the way that this manifests itself.
Barbra Canfield: Tell us.
Jill: Well, he comes up with all kinds of crazy ideas. Like, he wanted to buy and move up to a hunting lodge.
Barbra Canfield: Like with the kids? The whole family?
Jill: Yeah. The whole family.
Jill: Oh. And he wanted to fly into outer space.
Diane: Oh, now, that is crazy.
Jill: Oh, and in the middle of writing my masters thesis, he decided he wanted to have another baby.
Diane: At your age? That's a lot of nerve.
Kathleen: Oh, you poor thing.
Jill: No, no, no, no, wait. No, he's the one that's suffering. That's why it is so important for me to listen to all of his ideas, no matter how stupid or pathetic.
Barbra Canfield: I think we should give a big hand to the woman who has it all in spite of the man who wants to take it away and keep it for himself.

Mark: Hey, Mom. Great job on the show.
Jill: Really? So you don't think that I went overboard?
Randy: Well, it's hard to say. Why don't you ask your stupid, pathetic husband?
Jill: Is he upset?
Randy: Wouldn't know. Never came home to watch the show with us.
Jill: Oh, thank God.
Randy: We taped it. You want us to hide it?
Jill: No, I want you to burn it.
Tim: [enters] Hello, Jill.
Randy & Mark: Goodbye, Mom.

Jill: Hi there. How are you doing?
Tim: Well, not as good as the woman that had it all, got it back, dumped it on the ground and rubbed my nose in it.

Jill: I didn't mean to talk about our private life on television. I guess once I got surrounded by all those successful women, my self-esteem issues were triggered and I wanted to impress them. So I overcompensated by...
Tim: Honey, honey, honey. Back the Freud Fairlane up here. You got carried away. You were trying to show off for the girls. I was the butt of your tirade.
Jill: Yeah, that's right. You got it.
Tim: I do it all the time on Tool Time. Now I know how you feel.
Jill: So you're not gonna hold this against me?
Tim: No, I'm a guy. I let this stuff go.
Tim: I do wanna ask one thing, though. Are you ticked off at me for making you go through this mid-life thing?
Jill: Well, you know, sometimes it is hard for me to keep up with the changes you're making. But... I love that you're experiencing new emotions you never thought you'd have.
Tim: [grunts] I hate new emotions. I hate all emotions.