Tim: You know, our fifth anniversary show is coming up. I wanna make a big deal, but Davidson doesn't want to pay for it. I want to make a big, spectacular gift to my audience, you know.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You know, Tim, in ancient China, there was once an emperor, and every year on his birthday, everybody in the land would bring him a gift. And every year, the gifts became more and more elaborate.
Tim: I get your point.
Wilson: Well, that's very good, Tim, 'cause I haven't made one yet. Anyway, one year, a small boy appeared before the emperor and told him that he had no riches to give. The only gift that he had was a song. You know what the emperor did?
Tim: Got him booked on Dick Woo's Chinese Bandstand.
Wilson: You're not making this easy, Tim. Anyway, when the emperor heard this song, he was so moved that he proclaimed it the greatest gift of all, because it was a gift that came from the heart. Well, I must get back to the yogurt.

[Tool Time flashback:]
Tim: OK. Before we get started, the first thing we're gonna learn today is how to drive a stake. [Tim holds up a cartoon of a man driving a steak]
Al: I don't understand. Aren't we talking about wooden stakes?
Tim: Albert... can I call you Al?
Al: OK.
Tim: This is supposed to be a joke. Guy driving a steak.
Al: Ah...

Tim: Big day today. We're doing a huge Tool Time.
Mark: What's it about, Dad?
Tim: We're building a man's kitchen.
Jill: What's that, a kitchen where you stand over the sink to eat?
Tim: No, a man's kitchen. You can cook a cow, braise a buffalo, grill a grizzly. [grunts]
Mark: You can eat grizzly?
Tim: Yeah, sure. Tastes like chicken. And with the leftovers, you can make a peanut butter and grizzly sandwich.

Tim: Now the moment we've all been waiting for - the introduction of the man's kitchen. A guy's galley. I am man, hear me roast. [grunts]
Al: Well, Tim, what do you say we start her up?
Tim: That's right. The only kitchen I know that has an ignition system. [engine starts then stalls] Come on, come on.
Al: Maybe we should get jumper cables, hook it up to another kitchen.
Tim: I think I got it. Listen to that baby purr. [fanfare] Now, let's step inside, take a tour of the man's kitchen. [grunts]
Al: Well, we start first here at men's fine china.
Tim: That's right. 16-ply steel-belted paper plates.
Al: These plates are available in standard black and white walls.

Jill: [on the phone] Yeah, that's a fine charity. I'm sure that they have a lovely dinner, but our dinner's a little different. There is no dinner. No, this is not a crank call. Uh, we're having a "no dinner" dinner. What it means is that you don't have to get dressed up and sit in a big impersonal ballroom and make small talk with people you don't know. You like that. Well, um, maybe you could just send a contribution anyway. You know, 'cause the library really needs... Hello? [puts the phone down] I can't believe she hung up on me.

Tim: I can't think about it right now. My mind's racing. The man's kitchen went over bigger than I ever expected. And you know what the end of next week is?
Jill: No, what?
Tim: It's the fifth anniversary of Tool Time. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Jill: Tim, when is our anniversary?
Tim: February.
Jill: February what?
Tim: Middle.
Jill: You are so pathetic.

Tim: No, listen to me. This anniversary show is huge. It's gotta be bigger than a kitchen show. I gotta think of something that will knock the audience's socks off.
Jill: Well, why don't you show highlights from some of your best shows?
Tim: As good as those would be, you can't just show clips for an anniversary show. You've gotta think big. Help me. Something big.
Jill: OK, how about this?
Tim: All right.
Jill: You take the whole crew to Arizona.
Tim: I'm with you.
Jill: Drive to the Grand Canyon.
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Fill the whole thing in with putty.
Tim: That's ridiculous. Putty.

Tim: Al. Al! I've got a great idea for our Tool Time anniversary show.
Al: Well, you know, I've been thinking about that, too. It should be something simple, tasteful and totally tool-oriented.
Tim: How about taking the whole crew down to Indy Speedway?
Al: I like it.
Tim: Yeah! There's more. I'll challenge Michael and Mario Andretti to race with myself.
Al: Great! What about me?
Tim: Well, you can serve sandwiches and wash the cars and stuff.

Wes Davidson: Tim, Tim, Tim.
Tim: What, what, what?
Wes Davidson: I'm sitting in Binford headquarters the other day, I turn on the show that we sponsor, and what do I see?
Tim: The glare of your head reflecting off the screen?
Wes Davidson: No, Tim. I see a kitchen that has sucked up your budget for the next six months, although I do appreciate your using my brother-in-law as the butcher.
Tim: These figures are a little off. And anyway, did you see the ratings? They went through the roof.
Wes Davidson: It doesn't justify what you spent. We talked about this. You promised you were gonna start cutting back.
Tim: I did cut back. You know those... those lead vests? Al's was only lead-plated.
Al: Excuse me. I have to see a doctor now.
Tim: It was a joke. A joke, a joke, a joke.

Tim: Jill. Jill. Guess what happened when Davidson saw...
Jill: You will not believe what I'm going through with this fund-raiser.
Tim: No, let me tell you-
Jill: You think it's hard to sell tickets to a dinner? Try selling tickets to a "no dinner" dinner.
Tim: Jill, he cut the budget on the anniversary show.
Jill: I am sick and tired of asking people for money. It is so degrading.
Tim: Talk about degrading. He walks in the office...
Jill: People treat me like a bill collector! You know, they have their numbers changed just to avoid talking to me. When they see me at the supermarket, there's this mad rush for the door.
Tim: I wanted to have the Andrettis on to do a big special show...
Jill: You have no idea what it's like to be the cause of a multi-shopping cart collision.
Tim: Unfortunately, I do know how that feels. I know how that feels.
Jill: I did this out of the goodness of my heart.
Tim: If I could just...
Jill: I am so tired of giving, giving, giving. When this is all over, I don't want anybody to ask anything of me ever again. Oh, I'm so sorry. What were you saying? How was your day?