Mark: I have this report due on the most interesting person I know, and I picked you.
Wilson: Why, Mark, I am so flattered.
Mark: Did you really know Einstein?
Wilson: Oh, I not only knew him, I had dinner with the great scientist.
Mark: Wow.
Wilson: Oh, yes, indeed. It was over appetizers he regaled me with his theory of relativity, and then when the main course came, he spoke of other great theories.

Mark: Hey, Dad. Have you ever had dinner with any interesting people?
Tim: You bet. Felix Myman, the great plumber.
Wilson: You, see, Mark? That's a lot more interesting than Einstein and his theory of relativity.
Tim: Right, Felix had a theory called "clogativity." It has to do with toilet paper and toilets.
Mark: Cool!
Tim: Yeah, it's a smelly theory, but it's really kinda neat. He came up with this thing - with enough air pressure you could shatter porcelain with one blast...

Tim: OK. OK.
Al: The show is over and it's still smoking.
Tim: I did this for a reason, Al.
Al: And that would be?
Tim: Now the crowd knows exactly what happens when you overcharge a battery. It swells up and does this.

Heidi: Hey, guys. You seen this month's Detroit Life?
Al: Not yet.
Heidi: Guess who's one of the sexiest ten bachelors in the city.
Al: Someone we know?
Heidi: Someone who works on the show.
Al: I bet it's Marv. I've always found Marv attractive.
Tim: Marv's OK, but he's no Vic.
Heidi: It's not Marv or Vic. It's Al.
Tim: Who?
Al: What?
Heidi: Congratulations, Al.

Tim: Hey, Brad. Who's the most interesting man that you know?
Brad: Wilson.

Jill: Did you see this magazine? Al was voted one of the ten sexiest bachelors in Detroit.
Tim: Which probably explains why all the single women I saw were heading towards Cleveland.
Jill: I can see how some women would find Al sexy.
Tim: I guess if you never saw another man before.
Jill: You just don't get it. Sexiness is something that comes from the inside. It's something that you exude.
Tim: It's my opinion that anything Al exudes should stay on the inside.

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Tim: Whoo! Thank you, everybody, and welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant Al "I Wish l..." [women in the audience cheer] Well, I guess we all read the article, didn't we?
Woman: I love you, Al.
Al: Thank you.
Tim: Well, it's gosh darn nice to have all you ladies in the audience with us on Tool Time. You'll enjoy the show because we're talking about French doors today.
Woman: We wanna talk about Al.
Tim: Well, actually, Al and French doors share something in common. They're both things I like to slam.

Tim: The important thing to remember about putting in doors is you want to secure 'em, straighten 'em, plumb 'em, and make sure that they're in there straight.
Woman #1: Could you move so we could get a better view of Al?
Tim: Is this better?
Woman #2: Well, now I can't see.
Tim: Ladies, this is a tool show, OK? All right? We're gonna use shims here, as he hammers...

Al: And I would like to thank Jill for introducing me to Ilene. And, Ilene, here's to another great 15 months.
Ilene: It's been the happiest 15 months of my life.
Jill: That is so romantic.
Tim: Sure is. I want pork.

Shelly: Hi. I'm Shelly, and I'll be your waitress this evening. I'm single, I want a relationship, and I like long walks on the beach.
Tim: I'm starving, I want pork, and I'd like a glass of water.
Shelly: We have some lovely appetizers this evening. May I recommend the raw oysters?
Al: Are they fresh?
Shelly: I shucked them myself.
Al: Sounds great. I'll have that.
Jill: I'll have the... [Shelly walks off] Shelly, we're hungry too.
Tim: She just took one of her long walks.
Jill & Ilene: "I shucked them myself."