Paris: This is so great. Richard, I want to thank you for inviting me to lunch.
Richard: Well, you're very welcome, Paris. How often does a man like me get the chance to entertain two such lovely and intelligent young ladies?
Paris: You are a honey-tongued devil, aren't you, Dick?

Paris: I saw you on Charlie Rose. You were good.
Asher Fleming: Thank you.
Paris: Not too self-important, you made your point, and managed to look remotely interested when Charlie babbled on pretentiously about nothing.
Asher Fleming: Well, Charlie Rose is a good friend of mine.
Paris: Whatever. Listen, professor, I'd love to do a profile on you for the paper. Nothing puffy. Straight-up, hard-hitting, uncensored. Your views, no slant. Tomorrow work for you?
Asher Fleming: Well, I'll have to check my schedule. I do teach, you know.
Paris: Sure, you gotta pay the bills.

Lorelai: I hate football.
Rory: I tried to get you out of it.
Lorelai: Well, you should have tried harder.
Rory: Next time. Where's Luke?
Lorelai: Probably in bed where the rest of the world is on a Saturday. Did I put on underwear?
Rory: What?
Lorelai: I think I forgot to put on underwear. Can you check? [Rory is silent] Did I just ask you to check if I put on underwear?
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai: I hate football.

Luke: Why do you want me to fire Brennon?
Lorelai: Come back, little spark, come back.
Luke: Lorelai.
Lorelai: He doesn't write the orders down, he never brings you food that's hot or yours, he can't distinguish bagels from doughnuts, he hands out butt napkins, and he has worn that Foreigner t-shirt every single day since he started working here and he doesn't know who they are. I asked him.
Luke: What are butt napkins?
Lorelai: Kirk needed a napkin, and he pulled one out of his back pocket.

Lorelai: What about all the other stuff?
Luke: Look, you're just used to me. Give him time.
Lorelai: Have you heard about the frog, the hands, and the sandwich?
Luke: No, but I heard about the rabbi, the priest, and the duck.

Emily: Lorelai, what are you wearing?
Lorelai: I'm sorry, you're horrified by what I'm wearing?
Emily: You're wearing crimson.
Lorelai: I'm not wearing crimson.
Richard: Oh, she can't go like that.
Rory: Crimson is Harvard's color.
Richard: That's a very dangerous choice to make today, Lorelai.
Lorelai: I'm not wearing crimson. I'm wearing red.
Emily: Same thing.
Lorelai: Very different.

Richard: What have you got there, Rory?
Rory: Fig Newtons.
Richard: Fig Newtons?
Rory: A little dessert for later. [Richard and Emily laugh] What's so funny?
Lorelai: We got the jumbo pack. We're not cheap.
Emily: I'm sorry, Rory, we didn't mean to laugh at you. We love your Fig Newtons.
Richard: We will honor them and eat them proudly.
Lorelai: They're just Fig Newtons, guys. Don't get all freaky on us.

Richard: Girls, I'd like you to meet Dan. The original Handsome Dan.
Emily: The very first Yale mascot.
Rory: Oh, my.
Richard: Just look at him, will you. Strong, determined, the very essence of dignity.
Lorelai: Got cotton stuffed in his butt. How dignified is that?
Richard: You will not sully the name of Dan. This dog has been the inspiration for many a young man.
Emily: And young woman.
Richard: We salute you, Dan.
Emily: Time for a toast.

Richard: All right, everyone, time to move on.
Emily: Yes, we have a lot of things to get to.
Lorelai: Yeah, I hear there's a squirrel encased in concrete next door. We have to burn incense, dance around his tail with nuts in our mouths.
Emily: What can I possibly do to stop you?
Lorelai: A little more of the fun flask might do the trick.
Emily: That's all until we eat.

Lorelai: Where are we going to eat?
Richard: It's a tailgate party.
Lorelai: I'm sorry, a what?
Richard: Oh, well, don't look so shocked, Lorelai. Tailgating was invented at Yale.
Lorelai: Tailgating like tailgating? Like a beer and a hot dog in the parking lot?
Emily: Walk a little faster, please.
Lorelai: Did they just say "tailgating"?
Rory: I think so.
Lorelai: I wanted to make sure it wasn't the fun flask talking.