Rory: This is your first deposition. Grandma's lawyers just want you to be prepared.
Lorelai: Sample questions, great. It's bad enough I have to give a deposition, now I have to study for it?
Rory: Shall we begin?
Lorelai: Go ahead.
Rory: Please describe how your mother runs her household.
Lorelai: Okay. Well, do you remember the rowing scene in Ben Hur?
Rory: Mom.
Lorelai: I'm sorry, did that reference date me? Should I have gone with the "Express Yourself" video?

Lorelai: Why were you deposed?
Michel: My neighbor had this dog, a frisky little scamp that used to love to yap to his friends all night long. It was so cute. Then one day he disappeared. I told the police what I knew, but sadly the adorable little chatterbox was never found. It was tragic.
Lorelai: You got rid of a dog?
Michel: No.
Lorelai: How could you get rid of a dog?
Michel: I will gladly show you the transcript from the lawyer and the results of the lie detector test.
Lorelai: You're heinous.
Michel: And very well rested.

Emily: So it's my fault?
Lorelai: I didn't say that.
Emily: No, Lorelai, you did. For years, I've been listening to you and your father and everyone else go on and on about how demanding I am, how I have to have things a certain way. Well, guess what? I pay to have them that way. I pay more than anyone else pays their maids, and when things are not the way I want, that means I'm not getting what I paid for. Why is that so hard to understand?
Lorelai: It isn't hard to understand, it's just...
Emily: If you pay for first class and the airline sticks you in coach, people expect you to be upset. No one calls you demanding or unreasonable. And yet here is this woman whom I pay more than she can get anywhere else in Hartford, whose severance package could finance a summer cruise down the Rhine, dragging me into court saying that I was unfair. Why? Because having paid for one thing, I'm not content with something else? That makes me unfair? Well, then, so be it. Let someone else pay first class and ride in steerage, not me.

Paris: How many times do I have to tell them? You can't put a two-inch ladle of gravy into a one-inch potato crater. You either need a smaller ladle or a bigger crater. Otherwise, you get this.
Rory: Gravy on your asparagus.
Paris: Yes.
Rory: Paris, the cafeteria workers serve hundreds of students a day. A little gravy spillage is natural.
Paris: I see. So I should just sit quietly and shovel in whatever slop they throw my way like some inmate in the chow line at Leavenworth doing twenty to life? I don't think so.

Emily: "Question – Why has your mother dismissed maids in the past?"
Lorelai: Mom.
Emily: "Answer – Different reasons."
Lorelai: Well, that's true, right?
Emily: "Can you expand on that? Answer – Gee, how much time do you have?"
Lorelai: Okay, see...
Emily: "I mean, if you guys have a lunch or an afternoon squash game or something... you look like the kind of guys who play squash. And hey, why's it called squash? Is it something to do with the fruit? Or vegetable, right? A squash is a vegetable, though if you ask me, it's gross no matter what you call it. Well, anyway, what I'm saying is you might want to clear your afternoon."
Lorelai: I was flustered. He was using lawyer tricks.
Rory: By asking you to expand?
Lorelai: Now you decide to pipe in?

Emily: "Would you call your mother an extremely critical woman? Long pause." Why was there a long pause, Lorelai?
Lorelai: Because I was deliberately trying to hurt you, Mom.
Emily: "On a scale from one to ten, what would you rate your mother in terms of compassion for others' feelings?" Wanna guess what she said?
Rory: No, thank you.
Lorelai: Mom.
Emily: Hang on a second, Lorelai. I just want to skip to the Ben Hur reference.
Lorelai: [to Rory] Yeah, I did.

Lorelai: Okay, so you'll come in early and set up the conference room for the group from Michigan.
Michel: Yes, I will.
Lorelai: Okay. Now, Sookie's on top of the menu. Let's make sure the, uh, dining room's open for a late lunch, and we need to confirm the number of rooms they'll need.
Michel: Yes, I have all of this written down on a notepad right next to my self-help book, "Why Don't People Think You Know What The Hell You're Doing?"

Emily: [on the phone] Of course I said it. Well, I can't imagine who would take "jackbooted" as a compliment. I will not apologize. Every time she went to the pantry, I thought she was marching on Poland. Oh, I see, because I want things a certain way, I'm unreasonable? Why, that is the most absurd... I want to see this document. Fax it to me immediately.
Lorelai: Fax it to me immediately?
Rory: She's part of the electronic age.
Emily: Tomorrow morning is completely unacceptable. It's unacceptable because I'm paying you three hundred dollars an hour. So turn that little near-luxury car around, go back to your office, and fax me that libelous scrap of paper.
Lorelai: Ask him if he can pick up some ice cream, too.
Emily: Well, tell your wife to tape your daughter's recital. Unbelievable. [hangs up]

Rory: Is everything all right, Grandma?
Emily: Everything's fine.
Lorelai: Are you sure?
Emily: I'm sure.
Lorelai: You look peeved.
Emily: I'm not peeved.
Lorelai: You look peeved.
Emily: Kindly stop making me say the word peeved.

Lorelai: Which maid was it?
Emily: Gerta, the one from Hamburg, Germany.
Lorelai: Which one was she?
Rory: You remember. She was the one you made all those Hamburg/hamburger jokes to.
Lorelai: God, I beat that dead horse.
Rory: With glee.
Emily: She was the clomper.
Lorelai: The clomper?
Emily: She'd be upstairs making the beds and it'd sound like a Munich beer hall rally.