Joey: Hey, so, what's with the 20 percent tip? Did I do something wrong?
Chandler: Twenty percent tip is pretty generous, Joe.
Joey: You know what's more generous than that? Fifty percent. You know what's even more generous than that?
Chandler: I see where you're going.

Chandler: I'm going crazy. Do you have anything around here that looks homemade?
Ross: Oh, you know what? She'd love this. It's an exact replica of Apollo 8. I made it in the sixth grade.
Chandler: Yeah, I guess I could use that. I could say, "Your love sends me to the moon."
Ross: Except Apollo 8 didn't actually land on the moon. But you could write, "Your love lets me orbit the moon twice and return safely."
Chandler: Wait a minute. I can't give this to her.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: Because it says "Captain Ross" on the side. And it says, "I hate Monica" on the bottom.

Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey? Yeah, what was I thinking?

Ross: What's up with the greed, Joe?
Joey: Right, I'm sorry, you guys. It's just, I have to get new head shots made, and they're really expensive, you know. I'm down to, like, three. Actually, two, because on one of them I kind of blackened some teeth. Why'd I do that?

Ross: Wait, don't you have an audition today? Maybe you'll get that job.
Joey: Oh, ha-ha-ha. Oh, wait a minute. I used to get medical experiments done on me.
Chandler: Ah, finally, an explanation.

Joey: No, I used to get paid for all kinds of medical stuff, remember? Let's see. Uh, well, I don't want to donate sperm again. I really prefer doing that at the home office, you know. Maybe they want some of my blood or spit or something, huh?
Gunther: Joey?
Joey: Yeah.
Gunther: What did I tell you about talking to your friends while you're working?
Joey: Do it?
Gunther: That guy's been waiting for his coffee for 10 minutes. He's complained about you three times.
Joey: [takes a sip of the coffee] Now, where was l?

Chandler: Is Monica here?
Phoebe: No.
Chandler: I need help. I don't know what to get her for Valentine's Day.
Rachel: Well, Valentine's Day was two weeks ago, so I wouldn't get her a calendar.

Rachel: Oh, making things sounds so much fun.
Chandler: I thought so, until I papier-mached one of my eyes shut.
Phoebe: I love papier-mache. What did you make?
Chandler: I made a flar-lar-lar.
Phoebe: What is that?
Chandler: Nothing.

Joey: You sure there's no studies I could participate in?
Receptionist: Well, here's a schedule of what's coming up.
Joey: Thanks. Ooh, but this one starts now.
Receptionist: Oh, that one is available now, but only identical twins are eligible. It's a twin study.
Joey: But it's $2000!
Receptionist: Sorry.

Joey: How about this one? "Testing the Effects of Joey Tribbiani on Attractive Nurse Receptionists."
Receptionist: We already got the results back on that one and they're not good.