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‘The One with the Tea Leaves’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Tea Leaves

817. The One with the Tea Leaves

Aired March 7, 2002

After Phoebe's tea leaves tell her that she will soon meet the man of her dreams, she ends up on a disastrous date with a man she kept running into. Fed up of the awkwardness between her and Joey, Rachel invents a ridiculous work problem to talk to him about. Elsewhere, Ross tries to retrieve a "faded salmon" shirt he left at Mona's.

Quote from Ross

Mona: Oh, my God! Ross!
Ross: Hello.
Mona: Ross, what are you doing?
Ross: Not touching myself, if that makes anyone less uncomfortable.

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Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Okay, look, Mr. Zelner-
Mr. Zelner: Oh, I think it's best if I speak first.
Rachel: Yeah.
Mr. Zelner: I've asked Lee from human resources to be here as a witness to our conversation.
Rachel: Oh, God.
Mr. Zelner: If I in any way implied that I wanted to buy your baby I am sorry. Okay? Last week, when I asked you when your due date was, I certainly did not mean that I felt that I was "due" your baby. I want to be very clear that I understand that it's your baby and it is not mine to purchase.
Rachel: Well, as long as we are clear about that.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Well, I haven't seen him since the night he told me how he, you know- I don't know, I think he's avoiding me. Why is that bagel on the floor?
Monica: We were playing a game.
Rachel: Ew. Was Chandler naked? Sort of like a ring-toss kind of situation?
Monica: Sure.
Chandler: What? No! No!
Rachel: All right, listen. If you see Joey, will you just tell him that? Tell him I miss him.
Monica: Okay. Did you hear that?
Joey: Yeah. That naked bagel game? Dude, I don't know. That's a pretty small hole.

Quote from Rachel

Joey: So you have a big work problem?
Rachel: Yeah. It's, uh- Yeah, it's, uh- You know, it's nothing.
Joey: Okay. So I think I'm gonna take off.
Rachel: No, wait, Joey, it is. It's something. It's- It's my boss.
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: Yeah. And, uh- And my baby.
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: My boss wants to buy my baby.
Joey: What? Oh, my God.
Rachel: I know, I told you, it's a really big problem.
Joey: He wants to buy your baby?
Rachel: Can you believe that?
Joey: That's crazy.
Rachel: That's what I told him.
Joey: How did this even happen?
Rachel: Well, I'll tell you. See, my boss and his wife, they can't have children, so- And then when we were at the Christmas party and he got drunk, he said to me, "Rachel, I want to buy your baby."
Joey: Man. When you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby, I figured it was something about maternity leave.
Rachel: Oh. Yeah. ... Yeah, that would have been a much simpler problem.

Quote from Phoebe

Chandler: I didn't know you read tea leaves?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. I've done it for years. I actually stopped because I was so accurate. And, you know, one of the great joys of life is its wondrous unpredictability, you know? And also, tea tends to give me the trots.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: So I thought Joey and I would be okay once we hung out, but it's like we don't even know how to be with each other any more.
Chandler: I know it's tough now, but things will get better.
Rachel: How do you know? What if it just gets worse and worse and worse to the point where we can't even be in the same room with each other?
Chandler: I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Some cheese?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Joey, I'm really sorry I lied to you. I was just trying to make things-
Joey: I know. I know.
Rachel: But it kind of worked. I mean, I don't know about you, but I haven't thought about our thing since all this.
Joey: Yeah, you're right. Yeah. It's kind of been like "us" again, a little bit.
Rachel: Yeah, I know. I've missed that.
Joey: Me too. I mean, I haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and how it was really awkward.
Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Whoa. I almost forgot this was on your-
Chandler: We didn't play it!

Quote from Ross

Ross: Has anyone seen my shirt? It's a button-down, kind of like a faded salmon color?
Monica: You mean your pink shirt?
Ross: Faded salmon color?
Monica: No, I haven't seen your pink shirt. Great. Great. Then I must have left it at Mona's.
Chandler: I knew it. I'm sure you can get another one at Ann Taylor's.
Ross: That's my favorite shirt. Okay, I love that shirt.
Rachel: Just ask Mona to give it back.
Ross: I don't know. I guess I could. It's just we didn't really end things on such good terms. And if I went over there, I'd be ignoring the one thing she asked me to do when we broke up: jump up my own ass and die.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Oh, there it is.
Monica: That's not your regular dry cleaners.
Phoebe: I know. But that creep I went on that date with goes there, so I had to find a new one. I also have to find a video store, a new bank, a new adult bookstore, a new grocery store-
Monica: What?
Phoebe: A new grocery store.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Do mine.
Phoebe: Okay. Oh! Okay, I see a circle. Oh, which can either mean you're having a baby or you're going to make a scientific discovery.
Rachel: Well, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab.

Quote from Joey

Mr. Zelner: May I help you?
Joey: You think you can just buy my friend's baby?

Quote from Rachel

Joey: So? What happened?
Rachel: It's all gonna be okay. They're just so happy I'm not suing them, that they gave me one extra month paid maternity leave. So long as I understand that the money should not be construed as a down payment on this or any other child that I may bear.
Chandler: Wow. Ralph Lauren is really going out of their way to show they're not in the baby-buying business.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: Joey, you have to talk to her.
Joey: No, I can't. I can't. Not after the other night. It's just too weird. Don't tell her I'm here. Don't eat that.
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: Hey, Rachel.
Rachel: Is Joey here?
Chandler: I don't see him. Do you see him?
Monica: I don't see him. Hey, maybe he's in the sugar bowl. Joey? Nope.
Rachel: Well, at least you make each other laugh.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Honey, you've gotta talk to her.
Joey: I can't. Look, you guys don't know what it's like to put yourself out there like that and then just get shot down.
Chandler: I don't know what that's like? Until I was 25, I thought the only response to "I love you" was "Oh, crap."

Quote from Monica

Monica: And, hello? No rejection? I got shot down at fat camp. Boy, kids are mean when they're hungry.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: I'm done. Read mine.
Phoebe: Okay. I see a ladder. Which can mean either a promotion or a violent death.
Monica: I'm the head chef. I can't get promoted.
Phoebe: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Who's next?

Quote from Monica

Rachel: Hi.
Joey: Hey.
Rachel: Hi.
Joey: Hi.
Monica: Tea gives Phoebe the trots!

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Honey, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?
Chandler: They were just giving those away at the store. In exchange for money.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: Oh, my God, honey, we are so meant to be together. Look, we both have copies of the Annie soundtrack.
Monica: Honey, both yours.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Joey, honey, listen. Thanks for talking to me yesterday about that thing with my boss. That really meant a lot.
Joey: Not a problem. Oh, and just so you know that guy's not going to be bothering you about that baby thing anymore.
Rachel: What?
Joey: Let's just say I took care of it.
Rachel: Ooh, let's say more.
Joey: Don't worry. Don't worry. I just told him, very nicely: "You don't go buying people's babies! So back off!"

Quote from Joey

Rachel: No, no, no. Joey, he doesn't want to buy my baby. I made that up.
Joey: What? Why?
Rachel: So that we would have something to talk about. So that it wouldn't be awkward.
Joey: And you couldn't think of anything else?

Quote from Chandler

Monica: You said your boss wants to buy your baby?
Rachel: I can't believe you yelled at my boss. I'm going to lose my job. What am I gonna do?
Chandler: You could always sell your baby.

Quote from Monica

Rachel: Joey, I cannot believe you brought my boss into this. I'm going to get fired.
Joey: You lied to me.
Rachel: Well, she told me to.
Monica: Chandler has two copies of Annie!

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: The universe said I was going to meet a nice guy and that's what they gave me? When I get up there, I'm gonna kick some ass.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Don't worry, Phoebe. You're going to meet someone. If I can meet a great guy, so can you.
Phoebe: Yeah, we both can. And we both will.

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: Oh, you didn't have to come in with me.
Monica: Are you kidding? This is where they get out stains. This is like Disneyland for me. I'm gonna be over here watching the dance of the clean shirts.

Quote from Phoebe

Parker: Would you like to go have a cup of coffee?
Phoebe: I'd love to. Let me just tell my friend.
Monica: Ooh, an ink stain! Can I watch how you get this out?
Phoebe: She must have left.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hi, listen. Come here. Come- I'm so, so sorry about yesterday. I'm really, really sorry. It's just-
Mona: Listen, Ross, you don't have to apologize. I understand why you were there.
Ross: You do?
Mona: Yeah. You still have feelings for me. And to be honest, I still have feelings for you too and I wish we could work it out, Ross, but we can't. It's too complicated with you and Rachel and the baby. I just- It just wasn't meant to be.
Ross: Oh, God. You're right.
Mona: Ross, we have to be strong. Okay, I'm gonna go. Can I [Mona picks up Ross's faded salmon shirt]? To remember you?
Ross: No.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: Oh, wait a second, you guys? For the last couple of weeks, I've been seeing that guy everywhere I go. We take the same bus, go to the same bookstore, same drycleaner.
Maybe he's the tea guy.
Chandler: Pheebs, did you see that? He totally checked you out. And he is so cute. Mine is a picture of the Village People. What's that mean?


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