Mona: Oh, my God! Ross!
Ross: Hello.
Mona: Ross, what are you doing?
Ross: Not touching myself, if that makes anyone less uncomfortable.

Rachel: Okay, look, Mr. Zelner-
Mr. Zelner: Oh, I think it's best if I speak first.
Rachel: Yeah.
Mr. Zelner: I've asked Lee from human resources to be here as a witness to our conversation.
Rachel: Oh, God.
Mr. Zelner: If I in any way implied that I wanted to buy your baby I am sorry. Okay? Last week, when I asked you when your due date was, I certainly did not mean that I felt that I was "due" your baby. I want to be very clear that I understand that it's your baby and it is not mine to purchase.
Rachel: Well, as long as we are clear about that.

Joey: So you have a big work problem?
Rachel: Yeah. It's, uh- Yeah, it's, uh- You know, it's nothing.
Joey: Okay. So I think I'm gonna take off.
Rachel: No, wait, Joey, it is. It's something. It's- It's my boss.
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: Yeah. And, uh- And my baby.
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: My boss wants to buy my baby.
Joey: What? Oh, my God.
Rachel: I know, I told you, it's a really big problem.
Joey: He wants to buy your baby?
Rachel: Can you believe that?
Joey: That's crazy.
Rachel: That's what I told him.
Joey: How did this even happen?
Rachel: Well, I'll tell you. See, my boss and his wife, they can't have children, so- And then when we were at the Christmas party and he got drunk, he said to me, "Rachel, I want to buy your baby."
Joey: Man. When you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby, I figured it was something about maternity leave.
Rachel: Oh. Yeah. ... Yeah, that would have been a much simpler problem.