Phoebe: Wait, Joey's having a party, and he wasn't gonna invite us?
Rachel: Yeah. He does it every year. That's why he's sending you to the play. That's why he sent us to that medieval restaurant and to that button factory.
Phoebe: And that horrible museum tour?
Ross: No, I arranged that.

Rachel: Hey, Ross. How's it going with Charlie?
Ross: Oh, great. After I finish my wine I'm gonna blow my average-sized brains out.
Phoebe: What's the matter?
Ross: She only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners. Oh, my God, at the Chinese restaurant earlier today I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretended to be a woolly mammoth.
Rachel: I always loved that.
Ross: Of course you would. Your brains are smaller than mine!

Joey: Ross, this is one of my co-stars, Dirk. Dirk, this is my good friend Ross.
Ross: Nice to meet you.
Dirk: So, what show are you on?
Ross: Oh, I'm not an actor. I'm a professor of paleontology.
Joey: That's science.
Dirk: Hey, well, listen, I play a scientist on "Days. " Yeah, my character just won a Nobel Prize.

Phoebe: Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler.
Chandler: This was a really important experience for me and I wanted to share it with you.
Monica: You're so wonderful.
Woman on Stage: Why Don 't You Like Me? Chapter 1: My First Period.
Chandler: I can't believe you guys bought that. Enjoy your slow death.

Charlie: Excuse me. I'm looking for someone. You don't, by any chance, know a Ross Geller?
Gunther: No.

Phoebe: And I thought your paper on punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian Era was topnotch.
Ross: Stop going through my stuff!

Professor Spafford: And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galapagos. There was a seafood buffet you wouldn't believe. There were clams and mussels and oysters and cracked crab and snow crab and king crab. It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish.
Ross: So where did you get your undergraduate degree?
Professor Spafford: And that's not all I'm allergic to.
Ross: Oh, it's not over.
Professor Spafford: I'm also allergic to peanuts and cashews and almonds and filberts-
Ross: So basically all nuts.
Professor Spafford: Interestingly, no.
Charlie: You're kind of playing it fast and loose with the word "interesting."
Professor Spafford: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to use the restroom.
Charlie: Oh, my God.
Ross: I've lost the will to live.

Joey: Hey, you guys? What are you doing tomorrow night?
Chandler: Oh, well, let me see. I believe I'm- Yes, falling asleep in front of the TV.
Joey: Well, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play.
Chandler: I could fall asleep at a play.

Monica: The game's over. Take off your robe.
Joey: Okay, I mean-
All: Close it up! Close it up!
Joey: Nice to meet you.

Phoebe: What is it?
Joey: It's a one-woman play called: Why Don't You Like Me? A Bitter Woman's Journey Through Life.
Monica: That sounds interesting.
Ross: Yeah, that does sound interesting. I mean, to listen to a woman complain for two hours.
I don't think it gets bet-[snores]